Don’t screw up naming your baby

So, tell me: what do you think of these real-life baby names collected by a pediatric nurse working in the neonatal intensive care unit: 

Suave, Phix, Jinx, Axxum, Jru, Legacii, Kouture, Broly, AaMillion, Earqueal, Rad, Sedan, Embrayce, Whisper, Kartel, Que, Lendin, Pair-ings, Uros, Tighe, Traeson, McGee (f), Mystica, Raycen (pronounced like raisin), Phewona, Zarish, Jhream, Wolf, Matigan (f), Zeppelyn, Lennoxx, Jherzey, Finess, Aalexxis, Kansas (f), Dragon, Kasual, InnO-cense, Menorah, Dracon, Jefe, Modesta, Katana, Eclipse.

Like ’em?  If you think they’re just fine, please don’t bother reading this post.  You might be a lovely person, but when it comes to baby naming, you’re hopeless. 

This is important, because baby-name issues cause all kinds of pain and misery, all very avoidable. 

But naming a baby is easy, and there are almost endless names to choose from.  But there are some things you want to avoid:  Giving your kid a name you’ll regret.  Giving your kid a name that will be a burden to them.  Giving them a name your friends and family will hate. 

Follow these simple rules, and all will be well. 

Stay away from unusual names.  They’re likely to be hard for people to understand, and your kid will spend their whole life spelling, repeating, and explaining their name to people.  By “unusual” I don’t mean uncommon.  Clara and George maybe uncommon names today, but at least they won’t seem unusual to most people. 

Unusual stand-alone names will just give headaches.  Zephyr might seem like a cool name, but people won’t know how to spell it or pronounce it.  Also one-off names like Phix, Axxum, Tighe, Zarish, and Jhream.  You don’t want to give your kid a name that’ll make people say, “Huh?” or “What?” every time your kid says what their name is. 

No names with unfortunate associations.  Now you might like the name Adolf.  Fine.  But everyone who hears Adolf will think of Adolf Hitler.  You don’t want that.  Bessie sounds like a friendly name, but it also sounds like the name of an old-fashioned servant.  The same with Embrayce, Dragon, and Eclipse: weird associations. 

The name has to go with the kid’s last name.  If your last name is La Barbara, your kid will not thank you if she ends up with the name Barbara La Barbara.  I had a teacher whose last name was Magoon.  Okay, but you can’t possibly want to have your kid be June Magoon.  I knew a guy with the last name Bloss.  His parents named him Robert.  Nothing wrong with Robert Bloss, except that his nickname was inevitably Bob Bloss, which always sounded like Bob Loss.  So you have to think about your kid’s nickname as well as his formal first name going well with his last name.  And the more unusual (Arfle) or distinctive (Bacigalupo) your last name is, the more simple and normal you’re going to want your kid’s first name to be. 

The name shouldn’t have any personal associations that are negative.  Say your husband likes the name Anthony.  Now Anthony is a fine name.  But if Anthony was the name of the guy who tormented you in high school, then allowing your kid to be called that will make things hard for you.  Both partners need to have veto power over any name.  (But don’t drive yourselves nuts by giving any other family members this veto power.)

Choosing your kid’s name is not the place to be creative.  Here’s the thing.  Be creative with your stuff.  Change your name from Betty to Bhetttiy or to Blessmegod.  Wear the most creative clothes you can think of.  Become an artist or a musician or a poet.  But your kid’s name is something they will bear the whole of their life.  Your creativity is not the point.  The point is finding the name most comfortable and helpful for your child to live with. 

Envision your child living with their name.  Think about it like this: 

1.   What are names that would make your kid’s life best while in school?  For sure it wouldn’t be a name all the other kids had, nor a weird name, nor an unpronounceable name, nor a name no one can spell, nor a controversial name, nor an embarrassing name.  How about a name that’s normal enough to sound normal, but just enough down the popularity list so it sounds a bit special!

2.   Give your kid a chance to aim high in life.  Hey, maybe your kid could be a Senator or President.  A judge or a distinguished surgeon.  The CEO of a big company or a college president.  Okay, then, ask yourself which name is more presidential:  James Martin or Bubba Martin?  Thomas Garcia or Batman Garcia?  Isabella Jones or Sparkle Jones?  Camila Rodriguez or Candy Rodriguez?  Just ask yourself: does this name I’m considering sound more like a distinguished person’s name or more like a stripper name or pro wrestler name? 

Beware of cute.  It might seem delightful to have daughters named  Jane, Jean, Joan, June, and Ginny, but—again!—will your daughters think this is as cute as you do?  There’s a serious risk that they won’t! 

Social Security has help for you!!  Here’s the place to go to find lists for every year of the 1,000 most popular names.  You can get a good sense of names that are too popular and names that are too way out there. 

Bottom line.  Just think normal (which doesn’t mean boring) plus aspirational (which doesn’t mean snooty) as what you’re looking for in a name, and you won’t go wrong.  Then go be creative with something of your own.  A name is not a fashion statement.  Fashions come and go, and some of them are just awful.

And definitely run candidates for your baby’s name by your inner circle before you actually choose one.