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The let’s-make-a-deal route to marital bliss

by Mira and Charles on August 20th, 2014

If you want to see something really horrifying, just watch a couple try to solve a conflict by negotiating their way to an agreement.  Most of them can’t do it!  I’ve worked with couples for something like 40,000 hours, and what you see is anything but two people trying to solve a problem.  Even really smart people struggle with this.  Even people who negotiate for a living have trouble!

Here’s what you see instead of good old problem solving:

When a older couple can’t get along

by Mira and Charles on August 8th, 2014

You know that image of the sweet older couple walking down the street holding hands?  We’re all touched when we see something like that.  We hope that’s us one day, growing old with someone we love, having a loving companion as we age. 

And it can happen.  It happens all the time.  But here’s something else that happens all too often, except that people don’t always see it: it’s when an older couple just can’t stand each other.  When they fight all the time.  When their children dread the parents’ visit because it means watching their parents’ say shockingly mean things to each other. 

Instead of a lifetime of patience and compromise and understanding leading to the promised land of companionship and affection, there is Read the rest of this entry. »

Beware of stress implosions! Pt. 2

by Mira and Charles on August 1st, 2014

Last time we talked about what stress implosions are and how they work.  The point being that this is the mechanism by which stress destroys marriages.  Most marriages are stress vulnerable, and most of our lives are filled with stress.  This is a recipe for disaster.  At the end of that post we said we’d show you how to dial back the stress.  

Here goes.

Now I know something about you, which is that Read the rest of this entry. »

Beware of stress implosions!

by Mira and Charles on July 23rd, 2014

I know what you’re wondering: What IS a stress implosion?

Well, you know already, even if you don’t know you know.  Stress implosion may be the number one reason why relationships deteriorate, and here’s a very ordinary example of how it works.

The alarm goes off in the morning and you have to get yourself and your kids out of the house, while your spouse is trying to do the same thing.  You’re all sleepy, rushed, getting in each other’s way.  And as you’re trying to get through your morning getaway, things happen.  You can’t find your keys, your partner can’t find clean underwear, one of your kids can’t find his homework and starts fighting with your other kid, someone drops a raw egg on the floor, the toast burns…and on and on it goes. 

Sound familiar?

And all the while your stress level is rising and rising.  You’re going to be late for work.  You’re going to arrive frazzled.  The day is starting off crappy. 

And here’s how the stress implosion comes in.  As the morning getaway gets Read the rest of this entry. »

First date mystery fails

by Mira and Charles on July 9th, 2014

Figuring out why things go wrong on first dates

He was in his early 30s, handsome, doing well in his career, a really good guy from a good family.  Exactly the kind of guy you’d want your sister to marry. 

He met a woman, they talked and texted, and finally met for casual drinks and dinner.  Afterwards he was really high about the date.  They had a lot in common, he thought, and got along really well.  Certainly there was enough good stuff going on to warrant a second date.  He started texting her about it, and she seemed to want it.  Then, boom!, he got a text from her saying, uh, no, “let’s just be friends.”

What happened!?!?! 

He was shaken.  Totally hadn’t seen this coming.  And like a million other people who’ve been dropped or dumped with no good reason that they can see, he started with the post mortems.  Hmmm…maybe it was Read the rest of this entry. »

Making love last, part 7

by Mira and Charles on June 30th, 2014

Well, now that we’re up to part 7, this series (which started here) is now officially the longest series we’ve had going on our site.  But the response has been great, so on we go!

And with each one of these entries, we’ve asked ourselves, What’s one simple, easy-to-do thing couples can do to make their love last?

Today the tip has to do with making sure there is more of the good stuff in your relationship.  And all this really requires is a conversation and a commitment, and you’re done!

The problem we’re addressing today is the way people put their relationships last.  Here’s life for 99.9% of couples:  Read the rest of this entry. »

Making love last, part 6

by Mira and Charles on June 23rd, 2014

Getting your needs met

There were some howls of protest at the previous entry in this Making Love Last series.  How dare I talk about honoring the other person’s intentions when your own needs are going unmet!  Well, it’s because we’re talking about making love last.  That can only happen—the love part—if we really believe in, and SHOW we believe in!, the fact that our partners have good intentions.  Cause if that ain’t true then wow you gotta run for the exits.  If it is true you have to acknowledge it and support it. 

But still, there are those annoying, sometimes painfully annoying, unmet needs.  They are real, and we have to do something about them.  That’s because a rising level of unmet needs are a dagger pointed at the heart of your love.

This is an even bigger deal than it should be because most of do a terrible job of trying to get our needs met.  We Read the rest of this entry. »

Making love last, part 5

by Mira and Charles on June 19th, 2014

Embrace the intention

Here we go with another tip for making love last.  This is a series we started here

To see the importance of this tip, check out this all-too-typical fight. 

Emily and Neil had decided to go to the beach on Saturday.  “Let’s get an early start tomorrow,” Emily said Friday night.  “I don’t want to spend half the day in beach traffic because we started late.”

But Saturday morning, Neil Read the rest of this entry. »

Making love last, part 4

by Mira and Charles on June 12th, 2014

One person at a time

Here we are, now, with still another vital secret for making love last in this series that began here.

Today’s secret is actually pretty simple, but it’s also so powerful that it will—I promise you!—change your relationship forever and make it much better

This secret will prevent one of the most frustrating, damaging processes that couples get into.  The process goes something like this:

One of you is upset about something.  You say something.  It’s probably pretty emotional.  A bit over the top.  And then your partner responds as if he’d been attacked.  Which is just how he feels: attacked. 

So you don’t feel heard at all.  This was about you—how hurt you feel, maybe—and your partner’s response kind of feels as though he were Read the rest of this entry. »

Making love last, part 3

by Mira and Charles on June 5th, 2014

Love is like a pet hamster: it’ll die if you don’t take care of it.  The difference being that, sadly, even well-taken-care-of hamsters don’t live very long, but love will last a lifetime…if you take care of it. 

And so we began a series on how to keep your love alive.  And last time we posted the first tip for how to do this. 

Now for the next tip.  I was working with a couple a few days ago who had been fighting a lot, to the point where they’d had a lot of thoughts of throwing in the towel.  Now things are better, but still something was missing.  Love is not about not fighting.  It’s about something wonderful happened. 

Suddenly I found myself asking them, “Suppose I could wave a magic wand and Read the rest of this entry. »

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a selection of our books

  • I Love You But I Don't Trust You
  • Is He Mr. Right?
  • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
  • Everything Happens for a Reason
  • Feel Better Fast
  • Emotional Energy Factor
  • Parent/Teen Breakthrough
  • What Do I Do Now?
more books . . .