by Mira and Charles on March 7th, 2014
Here we are, back with our occasional series on books we’ve written. (Here’s a previous entry.) This time I want to talk about a book I’m really proud of, one that’s helped a ton of people, one that has a huge proportion of 5-star reviews on Amazon.
But it’s very controversial, and for all the wrong reasons. It’s one thing to hate a book because you disagree with its message. That’s fine. But the minority of people who are upset with When Good People Have Affairs just don’t know what we’re saying. They’re disagreeing with a message we never sent.
This book grew out of our work with people caught up in terrible relationship ambivalence. It turns out, not surprisingly, that many of them had got themselves in a relationship with another person. Which just added to their anxiety and confusion, while throwing in huge guilt for good measure.
Our goal Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on March 5th, 2014
Yes. Stress does kill. It kills relationships.
I am suddenly seeing this all over the place. Relationships chewed up into little pieces because one or both partners is over-burdened by stress.
What exactly am I talking about, and what can we do about it?
Stress is not simply hard work. It’s perfectly possible to put in a hard day at the office or the store or the coal mine and come home tired but sane.
Stress comes in when you are Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on March 1st, 2014
Last time we started an occasional series where we give you some of the inside dope about some of our books. Today we’re continuing, this time about one of our best-selling books, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
TGTL, as we’ll call it, is one of the best selling relationship books of all time and has appeared in over 25 languages. And one of the questions we get asked most about it is, Where did you get the idea for that book?
A better question might be, Why such a clumsy title? I know. Almost no one gets it right. Not even me. It’s always Too Bad to Leave, Too Good to Stay. Or Too Bad to be Good, Too Stay to Leave. Or Too Good to Be Staying…
But people get the point. It’s about being really ambivalent about your relationship. At the beginning, we had no idea this was even such a big problem for people. We knew that people often went through a period where they discussed—often obsessively!—with their friends whether they should dump the guy or hang in there. What we didn’t realize was how stuck people could be, or for how long, and with so much pain and damage.
Then we saw a couple, both psychiatrists, who Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on February 25th, 2014
People often ask us about one or another of our books, and so here begins an occasional series where we talk about a book we’ve written and why it might be of interest to you.
Today I want to talk about Everything Happens for a Reason. We did NOT write it because we had some mystical insight into the workings of god or the cosmos. Or if we did, we didn’t want to write a book about that.
No, we started from where people themselves were starting from: Something bad had happened to them, or was still happening—from the death of a loved one to a health problem to troubles starting a business. All the painful, inexplicable troubles people have in their lives. That we all have.
And we found one striking fact. No matter how terrible was the thing that happened to them, people Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on February 18th, 2014
There you are, at your wedding reception. You’re happy, probably stressed out, in love, a little drunk, looking forward to your honeymoon (you wouldn’t be the first person to see getting married as a price worth paying for a vacation!), and, if you’re like most people, there’s a part of you wondering, Are we going to be happy? Will our marriage work out?
While you’re slammin’ back the champagne, your answer probably is, Hey, we love each other and [insert name of partner] is GREAT, so we’ll be fine.
Yeah, right. Any expert—from a sociologist of marriage to a couples therapist—will tell you this is a terrible answer. It’s nice and everything that you love each other, but this doesn’t separate you from all the people who go on to descend into marital hell who also thought they loved each other and that their partner was great when they started out.
Now let’s say you wandered outside during your reception and came upon a group of friends betting on whether you guys would make it to your 10th anniversary. And let’s say you wanted in on the action. And let’s say you bet all the money people gave you as wedding presents. That’s a lot of money. So you’d want to win the bet, right?
Well, what’s the one thing you’d want to know to determine whether your marriage would make it or not? Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on February 13th, 2014
It’s almost here! And V-Day disaster looms!! Time to panic!!!
OR you could follow these quick first-aid tips.
1. When furious with each other—really stuck in your anger—and yet dread the thought of a totally spoiled V-Day.
Well, is this IT? Are you just OVER?
I didn’t think so. Which means you can still have an OK V-Day. You just Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on February 10th, 2014
Ripped from the headlines, here are a series of questions about Valentine’s Day I recently answered. There’s a good chance that here you’ll find your Valentine’s Day problems solved.
- “Have you looked at the calendar? Valentine’s Day this year is a Friday. Do you know how busy we are? How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day when you don’t have time to celebrate?”
CHI: “I hate doing things in a half-assed way, and that’s particularly true when it comes to love and romance. Here’s what you do. Instead of shopping for a lame, cliché gift, use that time to Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on February 7th, 2014
There’s an article coming up in this Sunday’s New York Times Magazine that a lot of people will be talking about. I just have to share this with you, because a lot of people will be coming to the wrong conclusions from this article.
The Times article explores the findings of a study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year. This study, and the Times article which quotes a lot of “experts” breathing heavily over it (though I don’t think most of them have actually read the study), concludes that couples with a traditional division of labor—the woman does most of the housework—have more sex than couples who share the housework more equally.
At which point a lot of men’s heads explode. What!?!?!?!?! these men say. I thought if I helped around the house my wife would appreciate it, and be more rested, and I’d get laid a lot MORE. So…are you saying that if I went on strike and stopped helping at all, then I’d get laid more???
And a lot of women are thinking, Dear God, please don’t let any men read this article.
But everyone has been drawing the wrong conclusion from the study, because most therapists don’t know squat about research. But I do. So here’s the real dope. Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on February 5th, 2014
Last time we had more to say about the growing number of older people who are getting divorced. And we told the good news, which is that people are freer today than ever to get out painful, stressful marriages and get free to find love again. Not that divorce isn’t painful—it is—but it can be worth it if you use your head. And we said we also had some useful news for you.
Here it is.
It’s about how to prevent your marriage from going on the rocks in the first place.
How do you do that?
You just have to understand that Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on January 29th, 2014
Last time we talked about the growing number of older people who are getting divorced. And at the end we said stay tuned: we had some good news and some useful news for you. But no bad news. (Which is also good news!)
So what is that good and useful news?
The good news is that Read the rest of this entry. »