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You only loved the dream child

by Mira and Charles on May 25th, 2017

We first ran this piece almost twenty years ago, and we’re still asked about it.  Time for a re-run.  And this time, a bit of a re-write too. 

 

         Love is not enough.  Not in marriage.  Not in parenting.  Not even in caring for your dopey ol’ dog. 

         Love itself is your feelings.  Your intentions.  Sadly, as everyone in every kind of relationship knows, your knowing you love the other person is a very different thing from the other person actually feeling loved by you. 

         Couples end up in therapy not because they didn’t love each other enough.  They end up in therapy because they didn’t know how to make the other person feel loved enough. 

         Our children, maybe one day as grownups, may end up in therapy, and they probably won’t say they don’t think you thought you loved them.  They’ll talk about the heartbreaking sense they had that all that love just didn’t get through. 

         And for love to get through, intentions alone won’t cut it.  You need a map. 

         Imagine one Friday evening you call up Luigi’s and order a nice big pizza pie.  Now Luigi is a passionate pizzatrician.  A titan of toppings.  He can get a world-class pizza into the box.  The only problem is Read the rest of this entry. »

The ultimate, best ever, top 10 do’s and don’ts for having a long and happy marriage

by Mira and Charles on May 8th, 2017

I keep getting requests for this, so…you’re welcome!

If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom mirror. Then write down these 10 do’s and don’ts, tape them to the side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and you’ll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do’s and not do the don’ts, but that’s a mere detail.

The point is — and it’s a revolutionary point, when you think about it — that you don’t have to be a genius or a saint for the two of you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force. All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it up too badly. And it will be there for you when you’re in your golden years.

Okay, in no particular order, here are our top 10 most important do’s and don’ts:

1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we’ve got to love them for that. That’s what a great, long-lasting marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.  It’s not that you have to love the imperfections.  It’s that you have to accept the imperfections so you can love the whole package and make him feel loved as the whole package he is.  

2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things you can do. It’s not about being silent while the other person is talking and then saying, “Yes, but…” and then immediately inserting your own opinion. Instead it’s about Read the rest of this entry. »

Against complaining

by Mira and Charles on February 28th, 2017

Is there someone in your family who complains all the time?  Then you know what a corrosive irritant complaining is.  You can bear the complaining for a while, but then it begins to get to you, and the next thing you know you’re close to hating the complainer.  Complainers are people who inevitably make a sunny day feel like a cold drizzle. 

This is so corrosive because of the family dynamics complainers launch.  X complains.  Y soon starts complaining about X’s complaining.  X complains about being hated by Y….  Soon there’s going to be a blow up.  In the end this is a recipe for everyone making distance from X and for X to feel disliked by everyone.

So we gotta figure this out, right?  Especially since it’s the kind of problem that never seems to go away on its own.  Right?

Here then is the Q and A. 

 

What IS complaining in the first place?

         OK, this is radical, but true:  Complaining is talking about what’s wrong, or disappointing, or imperfect, or displeasing with a person or situation.  Radical indeed.  Complaining is so woven into our habits of conversation, that with a definition like this many will wonder how we could ever talk at all without complaining. 

 

Are there any alternatives to complaining?

         Complaining shows its true self in the light of the alternatives.  Let’s say you walk into what you’d hoped was a really nice restaurant and it soon becomes clear that the service is on the slow side, and the butter is cold. 

         One really good, and really easy, alternative is: Read the rest of this entry. »

The secret of confidence

by Mira and Charles on February 23rd, 2017

A loyal reader of this blog wrote me a very simple question:  What is confidence?

This opens up an issue important for lots of us.  A huge issue.

So many of us are hungry to feel confident in so many parts of our life: talking to strangers, standing up to our boss, having sex, asking for something, doing something new or hard, raising a child, learning something new, managing a new project…you name it.

So of course most of us would love to know the secret of confidence.  What do all those seemingly confident people out there have that we don’t have?

First of all, believe me!: the vast majority of those seemingly confident people feel much less confident on the inside than they project on the outside.  What we call confident people is mostly just people who are good at faking confidence.

Second, and more important, most people don’t really understand what confidence is in the first place.    

Confidence is not a feeling.  Instead, it’s Read the rest of this entry. »

The 5 most important books on relationship therapy

by Mira and Charles on February 14th, 2017

This is a big day!  It’s not only Valentine’s Day–Happy Valentine’s Day!–but it’s also the day an interview with us in relationship therapy appeared on the famous Five Books website.  Here’s the link to the interview itself, and here’s the link to the Five Books main page featuring our interview.

Here’s how these interviews work.  People who are famous or prominent in their fields are invited to recommend the five best books in their fields, and the cover everything under the sun–the whole world of art, history, science, culture, economics, cooking, music.  You name it.  The only restriction, darn it!, is that you can’t recommend any of your own books.   

Now we did this interview a few years ago.  But when we were contacted again we were told that it was one of their most popular interviews and they wanted to run it on Valentine’s Day.

Click here to see it on the Five Books website with lovely pictures and graphics.  Or just keep reading here if you just want the words.  Here’s the whole text:

Mira Kirshenbaum recommends the best books on Relationship Therapy

To mark Valentine’s Day, we asked Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, to choose the best books on how successful relationships work—and what advice she’d give to Emma and Charles Bovary.

Mira Kirshenbaum is a therapist for individuals, couples and families. She is co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute. She is the author of eleven bestselling and award-winning books on relationships, translated into 25 languages, including I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship, Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay: A Step-By-Step Guide to Resolving Your Relationship, and When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships.

 

Mira, you are an internationally renowned relationship therapist. What can books tell us about relationships?

 

Read the rest of this entry. »

Doing better next year

by Mira and Charles on December 29th, 2016

The year’s coming to an end and many of us, or some of us, or please God at least one of us! is looking back and reviewing their life, what’s happened, what they want to happen next.  This is a very useful exercise. 

But sometimes it can be a painful exercise.  Sometimes…well, there’s one guy I’m thinking of who talked to me about how frustrated he was with himself.  “I could be doing much better.  I’m SO not doing my best.  And what makes it worse—I just know that if I did my best, hell, I could do ANYTHING!”  And there he sat, a young man with the eyes of someone tortured by self-loathing, watching another year of sub-par performance slide into the past. 

Lots of people feel this way and for many of them this self-torture comes to a head at this looking-back, looking-forward time of year. 

But we can help.

Let me begin by telling you something that might surprise you: Read the rest of this entry. »

Is life meaningless?

by Mira and Charles on December 14th, 2016

You hear this a lot.  At least I hear this a lot from people.  ”What’s the point?  Life is just a desert.  You’re born.  You die.  So what?  What difference does it make?  Life just doesn’t seem to have any meaning for me.”  Some of us are obsessed with thoughts like this.  And many of us have these thoughts simmering below the surface much of the time.  Christmas can bring them out even more, when all our Christmas busy-ness can suddenly seem like just going thru the motions.

So let’s look at this idea, the meaning of life.  Hang in there with me: in a couple of minutes you’re gonna feel much better!

Well, actually it’s the phrase “the meaning of life” that’s totally meaningless. Looking for a meaning in life is like looking for a bicycle repair shop at the bottom of the ocean. It ain’t Read the rest of this entry. »

American affairs: how we feel, what we do

by Mira and Charles on October 17th, 2016

Again, apologies.  We’re slowly getting up to speed with our blog posts.  Here’s a new one, in our ripped from the headlines series.  This is an interview we did for a writer for what is probably the most respected weekly magazine in the English speaking world.  How this interview will be used, we don’t know, of course.  But here’s the whole thing. 

 

If you’ve had questions about the issue of infidelity in our society, this will be of great interest to you. 

 

Q:  Given that so many couples will experience infidelity at some point, do you think Americans have an unrealistically puritanical view of affairs and relationships? Read the rest of this entry. »

We’re back! And trust is still the issue…

by Mira and Charles on August 30th, 2016

         I know.  It’s been a long, long time since we’ve posted a blog.  March, I think—over 5 months.  No, we haven’t been lost at sea.  We’ve been crazy busy selling the house we’ve lived in in Boston for 39 years (!) and moving to Los Angeles.  Now Bostonians are supposed to look down their noses at LA, but we love it.  So much energy and creativity, and lots of fun people.  Once we get settled—IF we ever get settled—I know we’re going to shift into high gear. 

         And we do have a blog for you today.  A major newspaper did an interview with us about relationships recovering from betrayal.

         Here’s the raw interview:

 

* Is it possible for a marriage to survive an affair - and if so, do you believe that a marriage should (can trust ever recover)?

 

CHI:  Marriages can survive an affair Read the rest of this entry. »

Divorce 2016

by Mira and Charles on March 19th, 2016

When it comes to social issues, like abortion and gay marriage, the tide has been running mostly in one direction for the last 50 years: towards more liberal attitudes.  That’s why social conservatives have been getting louder and more angry: they’ve been getting left behind by public opinion as a whole, particularly the opinions of younger adults. 

So it might come as a surprise to learn that in one area opinions are actually becoming a bit less tolerant.  It seems as though people are becoming a bit less tolerant of the idea that “Divorce is usually the best solution when a couple can’t seem to work out their marriage problems.”

Acceptance of this idea has fallen by 8.7 percentage points among women and by 4.4 percentage points among men.  Now that’s not a huge plunge, nor can we read a trend into it. 

But still, it’s intriguing: why would there be this hardening in attitudes against divorce when the reason for the breakup is “We can’t work out our problems”?  Isn’t that exactly why people leave their marriages?

Well, it turns out there is an explanation for this increase in intolerance.  People Read the rest of this entry. »

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a selection of our books

  • I Love You But I Don't Trust You
  • Is He Mr. Right?
  • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
  • Everything Happens for a Reason
  • Feel Better Fast
  • Emotional Energy Factor
  • Parent/Teen Breakthrough
  • What Do I Do Now?
more books . . .