w h e n   y o u ' r e   r e a d y   t o   m a k e   r e a l   c h a n g e s

Mira Kirshenbaum has an international reputation as a therapist for individuals, couples, and families. She is co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute. A sought-after speaker, Mira is the author of nine award-winning books, some national and international bestsellers. She has appeared many times on the Today Show and has been interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.



Mira's Latest Blog Entries:


The benefits of attention

by Mira and Charles on November 21st, 2014

I was reading a really good article online and I came across these words, which stopped me in my tracks. 

A cry for attention is positioned as the ultimate crime, clutching or trivial — as if ‘attention’ were inherently a selfish thing to want. But isn’t wanting attention one of the most fundamental traits of being human — and isn’t granting it one of the most important gifts we can ever give?

And there you have one of the central needs and central conflicts in relationships today.  We want our partner’s attention.  His undivided attention, ungrudgingly given.  And yet we too often feel we need to justify or pay for this attention. 

So let’s put things back in perspective.  Attention is a fundamental right in relationships.  And that’s because it’s a basic human need.  We may not wither and die without attention, but we certainly wither, shrink, starve, dry up, and go dead inside without attention, like a lonely leaf still left on a tree at the beginning of a New England winter. 

The homeless, the aged, and the poor all will tell you that one of the worst parts of their status is feeling invisible.  Being ignored.  It’s terrible to be treated badly, but in some ways it’s worse to not be dealt with at all. 

It’s all about Read the rest of this entry. »

Having a happy family Thanksgiving

by Mira and Charles on November 13th, 2014

The secrets for creating a wonderful turkey day 

Well, Thanksgiving is in two weeks. Here, in plenty of time, are some thoughts for how to make this one of the best days of your year. After all, it’s a day for thanks.  It’s a day for giving.  At least it should be. 

But too often Thanksgiving is a day marred—destroyed sometimes—by the stress of going overboard, the tension that goes with travel, and by family members acting badly.  So sad.  Especially when it’s so easy to have a happy Thanksgiving. 

The rules for having a happy family Thanksgiving are few and simple: 

  1. Stop trying to Read the rest of this entry. »

Good sex, more often, starting now: Pt. 2

by Mira and Charles on November 6th, 2014

Here’s where we are.  We’ve brought out the 13 reasons why couples aren’t have as much sex, and as much good sex, as they’d like.  Then last time we offered solutions to the first 6 of those problems.  And right here, right now we’ll show how to overcome the remaining obstacles faced by couples who aren’t having as much sex as they’d like:

7.  Your sexual chemistry hasn’t been so hot since Read the rest of this entry. »

Good sex, more often, starting now

by Mira and Charles on October 27th, 2014

Okay, from our last blog we learned that there are 13 specific reasons why couples are having less sex. And surely at least one of them applies to you. So let’s go through them one at a time. We’ll give you QUICK suggestions for how to overcome each obstacle. There’s a lot to go through, so we’ll have to do this in two parts, starting with 1 through 6 today:

1.  You’re so busy and stressed out that it’s hard to get into a sexy, let’s-connect frame of mind.  Welcome to the club! This is one of the most widespread problems in America.

QUICK SUGGESTIONS:

–Talk about Read the rest of this entry. »

Here’s the marriage of the future…maybe

by Mira and Charles on October 17th, 2014

Welcome to the a la carte marriage.  It just may be the future of marriage.  Here’s a glimpse. 

Jake is a divorced dad with two young sons.  Here are the women in Jake’s life. 

–There is his ex, Barbara, who is his co-parent.  Luckily for him and his boys, Jake and his ex have a pretty good co-parenting relationship.  They live nearby and are very understanding of the constant changes in each other’s crazy schedules.  They are a real help to each other in bringing up their kids.

–There is his current girl friend, Joni.  They’ve been going together for about a year and a half.  In terms of sex and romance, they are monogamous.  Sex is good and they enjoy just hanging out together.  No stress in their relationship.  But also not a lot in common. 

–There is Sue, whom Jake describes as his office wife.  But Sue is much more.  She is the person with whom Jake Read the rest of this entry. »

“Why aren’t we having sex more often?”

by Mira and Charles on October 7th, 2014

If love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, what about sex and marriage?

Well, for many of us sex and marriage start out like a horse and carriage and end up like a horse and pogo stick.

You start out filled with passion and the desire for intimacy. Then the nonsense of daily life takes over: arguments about who’s going to pick up the dry cleaning, who should’ve paid what bill. Then babies come, and too often sex flies out the window completely. You’re too busy, too tired, too often pissed off at each other. The next thing you know it’s been a very long time since you made love, and the more time passes, the harder it is. At least, that’s how it is for many of us. No wonder it seems that marriage is a machine for creating babies and destroying sex.

But is sex an inevitable casualty of marriage? Absolutely not. It doesn’t have to be this way at all.

So what is the culprit? And what do you do about it? Read the rest of this entry. »

Attention: the greatest gift

by Mira and Charles on September 29th, 2014

The best clue to what you really care about is what you pay attention to. 

Just check out what you remember from the last newscast you heard on the radio.  If you care a lot about events in the Middle East, you’re likely to pay attention to a story about Israel or Iraq, and you’re likely to remember what that story reported.  If you don’t care, you won’t pay attention and you won’t remember. 

If you say you care but you don’t pay attention, people will say, well, it actually sounds like you don’t really care.

What’s more, attention is something most of us are starving for.  We live in a world where most of the time we’re not paid attention to.  Facebook exists to give us the feeling that someone somewhere is paying attention to us. 

This is why when people in a relationship are caught in an act of not paying attention, all hell breaks loose.  It’s the deepest form of insult.  The surest way to show someone Read the rest of this entry. »

New hope for trapped women: getting out

by Mira and Charles on September 24th, 2014

Last time I talked about the situation of women who are in an abusive relationship and are struggling to make the transition from feeling they must stay to finding a way to leave.  This is most difficult in the case of a controlling partner.  Which raises this question:

Question: How do you leave an unhealthy, controlling relationship, especially when kids are involved?

Answer: Few things are more difficult than leaving a relationship with a controlling person. But there is a safety-first procedure that is totally do-able, and people do it successfully all the time.

Before I tell you what works, I need to make one thing very clear. The safety-first procedure that I’m about to suggest is Read the rest of this entry. »

New hope for trapped women

by Mira and Charles on September 19th, 2014

Well, it looks like we’ve actually learned something from that terrible incident in which football player Ray Rice punched his girlfriend Janay unconscious in a hotel elevator.  Because, you see, Janay is no longer his girlfriend.

Not because she left him after he knocked her lights out.  But because she went on to marry him.  And not only marry him but defend him after his team and the NFL let him go.

That’s when all hell broke loose.  Janay Rice was widely criticized all over the place for staying with him instead of leaving him.  And that’s when we started learning something.

For once it didn’t stop with the self-righteous criticizing the clueless.  Instead something really good happened.  On Twitter a real dialogue emerged with the appearance of two hashtags: #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft.

For once in this noisy, brainless, judgmental culture, the possibility emerged of real understanding: Understanding why a woman like Janay might have stayed with a man who not only hurt her but humiliated her.  Understanding how women like her ultimately found what they needed to escape being trapped in violence, fear, and shame.  Not judgment.  Real understanding.

And this understanding emerged as women and some men in the 140-character platform that Twitter provides told the story of why they both stayed and then left.

Some examples chosen at random: Read the rest of this entry. »

Helping your child overcome back-to-school anxieties

by Mira and Charles on September 5th, 2014

A lot of kids are very anxious when school begins. They are afraid they won’t make friends or that no one will like them. They are afraid of not doing well. They are afraid of the teacher. Kids’ fears are endless: one kid is afraid of the janitor, another of the cafeteria, another of arithmetic.

And there are a lot of reasons for these fears. Maybe it’s a new school. Maybe they have an allergy or disability. Maybe they’ve had bad experiences in the past.  And sometimes it’s all a mystery: it’s hard for them to say what they’re afraid of or for anyone to understand where this came from.

The question is, What should you as a parent do about it?

The biggest mistake parents make is Read the rest of this entry. »

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a selection of our books

  • I Love You But I Don't Trust You
  • Is He Mr. Right?
  • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
  • Everything Happens for a Reason
  • Feel Better Fast
  • Emotional Energy Factor
  • Parent/Teen Breakthrough
  • What Do I Do Now?
more books . . .