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by Mira and Charles on June 26th, 2015
I’ve heard from a lot of people that they don’t know anyone who’s happily married. Usually these are people between 30 and 60. Younger people know a lot of newlyweds, and older people come from circle in which everyone who can get divorced has gotten divorced.
So is this really true? Do most people know only very few happily married people? Are there really so few happily married people out there?
Well, it depends a lot on who you ask and how you gather data. I have no doubt that the people who told me they don’t know any happily married folk were Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on June 10th, 2015
A woman recently wrote to an advice columnist about her desire to move out of her house and live in apartment by herself. She’d still stay married. She had no desire to take a lover. She welcomed her husband and kids to visit her. But she wanted to live alone. And she wondered if her desire for this was unhealthy.
We’ll get to that issue in a moment. But first, let’s look at the question of when a marriage stops being a marriage. How far can you go in changing the deal before you get to the point where there isn’t any deal any more?
Most people get married with Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on May 19th, 2015
When I was 12 and thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, here’s one thing that did NOT occur to me. I never thought I would turn out to be, along with my partner, one of the world’s foremost authorities on infidelity.
But with years of clinical research and other formal research, leading up to two books—When Good People Have Affairs and “I Love You but I Don’t Trust You”—well, that turns out to qualify me as a world-class expert.
And that’s shown by the publication today of Wiley’s International Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality. (For a mere $495 [yikes] you too can become an expert in human sexuality!) And in the International Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality, you will find our article on Adultery and Fidelity. To save you the almost five hundred bucks, the good people at Wiley have allowed me Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on May 7th, 2015
As the actual author of an incredibly popular book entitled Everything Happens for a Reason, you can imagine that this question got my attention! Here’s how it came up.
A young woman who’d been treated for cancer and was in remission recently came out with a line a greeting cards you can send to people with cancer. These cards were designed to overcome some of the terrible or stupid things people said to her that in the end just made her feel worse.
And one of the things she REALLY didn’t appreciate hearing from people was, “Hey, everything happens for a reason.” So the card she designed said, “Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason.”
Well, as the author of that book, I have to say…I couldn’t agree more. In fact, Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on April 15th, 2015
Have you ever wondered how to get the most out of being in therapy? Or do you just show up and do your thing?
What most people don’t realize is that what you do in your session has a HUGE impact on how much you get out of it. This not about making your therapist happy, though if you follow my suggestions here you will make your therapist very happy if she’s good, and not so happy if he’s not so good! It’s about you’re getting to a much better place in your life with the minimum of delay.
OK, then. To get the most out of your therapy session, FIRST spend some time before hand thinking about what you want to get out of it. Imagine the session is over and you’re walking out the door. What would you like to have that you don’t have now? A solution to some problem? An answer to a question? A way to feel better about something? A way to be more effective at something? A way to tell someone something? Do you want help making a decision? Some clarity about some problem area in your life?
It’s up to you. But I’ll tell you this: Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on April 1st, 2015
Yes! Yet again we have the low—very low!—but most satisfying experience of offering another entry in our self-praising “I told you so” series. But we don’t offer this just to praise ourselves in public. The more useful purpose is to highlight news about what works when it comes to family and relationships.
We start with an article originally published in Scientific American presenting four “new” scientific findings about how to improve your relationship. Of course, these are all things we’ve been saying for years.
First, there’s the finding that people in a relationship should be nice to each other as often as they can. True. And we said it right off the bat in our book Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. It’s just that we went further. We showed how you can identify just what ways of being nice will have the biggest effect on your partner.
Then there’s the finding that you should Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on March 25th, 2015
We’ve known for a long time that when a TV station calls to ask us to do a segment, you can never predict what that segment will be about. Sex in outer space? People marrying themselves? Who knows!?!
This time the segment was on, of all things, an app (well, these days we could have predicted that!) that enables single people to create an imaginary relationship that will give friends and family the impression that it’s a real relationship. No more telling mom to get off your back. This will get her off your back!
Well, some interesting issues actually came up during this segment. Please check it out: you might be surprised!
by Mira and Charles on March 20th, 2015
Couples always tell us that they want to be closer, more intimate.
“And what is intimacy for you?” we ask.
“Well…,” they say, “it’s…you know, being close.”
In other words, most of us want something very, very much but we can’t really say what this something is.
Here’s what intimacy is: it’s the answer to the question, Is it Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on March 14th, 2015
This has been a series about a completely avoidable tragedy: the way many women earn the label “nice” by giving themselves away, by doing too much for others and too little for themselves, with the result that they live drained of emotional energy and spend their days running on empty, with all the exhaustion and depression and bitterness that comes with living like this, if you can call it living.
Last time we talked about what we can do to stop the outflow of emotional energy. Today we wind things up by talking about what we can do to bring more emotional energy INTO our lives. To get the full story of what you can do to get more emotional energy, you really need to get your hands on our award-winning The Emotional Energy Factor. There you’ll find there are twenty-five different things you can do to add emotional energy to your life.
But this will get you started: Read the rest of this entry. »
by Mira and Charles on March 7th, 2015
One month and several blizzards ago—Boston here, dealing with the most snow anyone can remember and with only 2 more inches to go to break the record for the most snow in a winter EVER!—we wrote a blog about how so many women use themselves up and become emotionally exhausted by being too nice. We said that if you’re running on empty there are two things you can do: Stop giving so much of yourself away, and get more emotional nourishment. Less going out. More coming in.
Now is the time to show you how to do this.
Let’s start with the “less going out” part.
Our lives—all of our lives—are the story of what we say yes to and what we say no to. Every yes commits us to an expense of energy and the possibility of getting a return on that expense. At the same time, every yes puts us at risk of expending more energy than we get back. And if you keep on expending energy you don’t get back, you’ll soon be running on empty.
But here’s the thing that most people don’t realize. The forces of life Read the rest of this entry. »