Comments for The Chestnuthill Institute -- Mira Kirshenbaum -- Dr. Charles Foster

Comment on The True Secrets for Happy Marriage by Charles

Charles — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 23:25:02 +0000

Dear Skimonkey: The negotiation that should be going on in most relationships could be framed something like this: “I know and understand and accept who you are. I know that can’t change. But here are my most important unmet needs and we need to talk about how, given who you are, I can be happier here given who I am.” That is a place some couples get to, but few get through. The fairy tale ends and real marriage begins with this dialogue between acceptance and dealing with unmet needs. And since love is hope, as long as there’s the sense that progress is possible because working on things stays a live option, then love stays alive.
Good luck with this. Warmly, Dr. Foster

Comment on The True Secrets for Happy Marriage by debbiej

debbiej — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:59:57 +0000

As we move forward after a rough year these 10 things will give us important points to focus on. As usual, you’re right on the money! Thanks so much:)

Comment on The True Secrets for Happy Marriage by skimonkey88

skimonkey88 — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 16:54:30 +0000

How do you reconcile #1, “accept your partner as is” with #8 “Don’t deny your most important needs”. One of your needs may be for more intimacy, more affection, etc. If your partner is unwilling or incapable of meeting those needs, it makes it hard to accept them as they are. Thoughts?

Comment on New hope for couples hurt by betrayal by Charles

Charles — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 19:58:20 +0000

It’s me, Mira. That’s great. And big congrats on the upcoming marriage. Your situation was very much in our mind when we wrote “I Love You but I Don’t Trust You.” For so many couples these days, trust issues don’t arise because the other person did anything wrong but because our past experience in general has made it hard to accept the possibility of trust. But we’ll be able to help! Hang in there til Feb. when the book comes out! Warmly, Mira

Comment on New hope for couples hurt by betrayal by SuzanneHenry

SuzanneHenry — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 18:30:40 +0000

I am delighted you wrote about this topic. I delayed getting married myself due to trust issues from seeing couples around me not handle things well (some related to affairs, other related to other issues). Your books are always spot on. Going over to pre-order now!

Comment on Why you’re wonderful… by Charles

Charles — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 23:08:56 +0000

Thank you so much for responding. You are JUST the kind of person I wrote this for. It is almost a form of soul murder to suggest to someone that no one else will want them. It’s both false and destructive. The destructiveness comes from being trapped in a bad relationship and from feeling beaten down by your self image. On the other hand, nothing makes a person seem more attractive than they’re feeling good about themselves. Only God knows if you’ll find the love of your life out there, but you can meet all kinds of interesting people and have all kinds of adventures in the land of love. But please work with non-toxic friends on reversing the “no one will want me” kind of thinking. Love, Mira (on Charles’ computer)

Comment on Why you’re wonderful… by Jan

Jan — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 22:25:30 +0000

This article really resonated with me. I to have been battling this for over a year and the only thing that is holding me back is that no one else would want me. My insecurities and feeling worthless is weighing on me greatly. It dosn’t help that your best friend says “Oh well if you live alone for the rest of your life you’ll get used to it” or be around another best friend that just continually comments about the cute young waitresses and pretty young girls he sees…A 50 year old woman like me starts to think why bother leaving when no one will want an old woman like me. Thank you for your helpful tips Mira…will try them. Your website is the best!

Comment on Men behaving badly by cloudseven

cloudseven — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:34:07 +0000

Please say something about foregiveness in a situation, when the man had an affair and conceives a child. How could his wife foregive him and how could she life with these facts? And what about the woman who affords the opportunity to the man to have this affair and cheat his wife? What about women who wants to get pregnant to force divorce?

Comment on What’s the secret of intimacy? by Jan

Jan — Mon, 30 May 2011 19:13:02 +0000

This is all fine and dandy but I think fun and having fun isn’t going to make your relationship better if you can’t have an intimate emotional conversation with your spouse. Also you can have all the fun in the world with your spouse but not feel connected at all….so what good is fun if you’re emotionally distant. Fun is fun…and you can have fun with anyone. Fun is not going to make a relationship better if you don’t have everything else that goes into having a great relationship. You’re confusing the heck out of me today???? I can do all of the above with my spouse and never feel a tweek of intimacy?? What’s wrong with me?? I never thought intimacy ment fun??

Comment on My mother died recently… by Jan

Jan — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 15:56:15 +0000

So sorry to hear about your mother. Your story was very moving. Thank you for sharing!