Comments for The Chestnuthill Institute -- Mira Kirshenbaum -- Dr. Charles Foster http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com w h e n y o u ' r e r e a d y t o m a k e r e a l c h a n g e s Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:58:49 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 Comment on Lessons from the Tiger Woods’ apology by Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3072 Charles Sat, 20 Feb 2010 16:46:06 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3072 Yes, that's just it. It's all in the follow through. For something to heal, it needs a will to live. Sorrow is a start, but hanging in there through the tough and long healing period is key. And great point about fighting to win your spouse back. Here's this horrible rejection, making the spouse feel totally unloved. That's a huge imbalance to right, and it takes a lot of effort. Now we see people do that successfully all the time. But you need the will, and you need help getting over the rough patches. Also big yes to this:no one "gets over it" without a lot of help from the spouse who cheated. Feeling hurt and betrayed is not like the flu where people get better by themselves. It's like your house being hit by a meteor: it requires a lot of rebuilding. We're so sorry your relationship didn't make it. It may be that it was on shaky ground before the affair and you just didn't know it. The good news is that you yourself can heal and go on to be happy, healthy, and strong. And hopefully you will find love that's worthy of what you bring to it. Warmly, Charles and Mira Yes, that’s just it. It’s all in the follow through. For something to heal, it needs a will to live. Sorrow is a start, but hanging in there through the tough and long healing period is key.
And great point about fighting to win your spouse back. Here’s this horrible rejection, making the spouse feel totally unloved. That’s a huge imbalance to right, and it takes a lot of effort.
Now we see people do that successfully all the time. But you need the will, and you need help getting over the rough patches.
Also big yes to this:no one “gets over it” without a lot of help from the spouse who cheated. Feeling hurt and betrayed is not like the flu where people get better by themselves. It’s like your house being hit by a meteor: it requires a lot of rebuilding.
We’re so sorry your relationship didn’t make it. It may be that it was on shaky ground before the affair and you just didn’t know it. The good news is that you yourself can heal and go on to be happy, healthy, and strong. And hopefully you will find love that’s worthy of what you bring to it.
Warmly, Charles and Mira

]]> Comment on Lessons from the Tiger Woods’ apology by mgrdm66 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3070 mgrdm66 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 02:30:59 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3070 I think the key words are "actions" . Words are great and very helpful, but once trust is broken, it's the actions that are looked at and felt more closely than the words. My husband had an affair approximately three years ago. I only uncovered the whole truth two years ago. It has been very hard. he has been contrite, but I have needed him to do more than to be sorry. I've needed him to pursevere, to keep fighting to win me back. I have needed him to put my feelings first, even at the cost of his own discomfort. Sadly, we will likely not recover from his affair. I know he would like the situation fixed and I would love it if we could heal, but it seems neither of us has what it takes to do what each of us would need to do. My husband has said he has given and done all he can and can not or has nothing else to give. I think he could have done alot more. I would want him to want to be a better person. i would want him to read your book "When Good People Have Affairs" and then discuss it's contents and his feelings in relation to them with me. He says he will , but doesn't. Herein lies the problem, the lack of consistent follow through. It hurts that he was selfish and put himself first, only thought of himself during the affair and not his family. Once he came to and decided he wanted his family, he still comes first. He can deal because things get uncomfortable. I don't just "get over it". He sits back and hopes that I will get over it instead of initiating healing and following through with suggestions in counseling. It's so sad. We did have a beautiful family... we still do... it just won't be the same. I think the key words are “actions” . Words are great and very helpful, but once trust is broken, it’s the actions that are looked at and felt more closely than the words. My husband had an affair approximately three years ago. I only uncovered the whole truth two years ago. It has been very hard. he has been contrite, but I have needed him to do more than to be sorry. I’ve needed him to pursevere, to keep fighting to win me back. I have needed him to put my feelings first, even at the cost of his own discomfort.

Sadly, we will likely not recover from his affair. I know he would like the situation fixed and I would love it if we could heal, but it seems neither of us has what it takes to do what each of us would need to do.

My husband has said he has given and done all he can and can not or has nothing else to give. I think he could have done alot more. I would want him to want to be a better person. i would want him to read your book “When Good People Have Affairs” and then discuss it’s contents and his feelings in relation to them with me. He says he will , but doesn’t. Herein lies the problem, the lack of consistent follow through. It hurts that he was selfish and put himself first, only thought of himself during the affair and not his family. Once he came to and decided he wanted his family, he still comes first. He can deal because things get uncomfortable. I don’t just “get over it”. He sits back and hopes that I will get over it instead of initiating healing and following through with suggestions in counseling.

It’s so sad. We did have a beautiful family… we still do… it just won’t be the same.

]]> Comment on How will someone respond to betrayal? Seven factors by Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/194#comment-3052 Charles Thu, 28 Jan 2010 13:36:25 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/194#comment-3052 mgrdm66, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, you are so right: as you say, "betrayal discolors the whole relationship." It's not just that the present is damaged, but it can feel like the past was a lie. But all this is just pain. It hurts, badly, but that pain by itself is not a sign of permanent damage, any more than the pain of a stubbed toe is a sign that you've broken your toe. The long-term questions are, Can this relationship heal, and Do I want it to heal? It sounds like you are working on answering these questions. I wish you all the best, and thank you again for your support. Be well! mgrdm66, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, you are so right: as you say, “betrayal discolors the whole relationship.” It’s not just that the present is damaged, but it can feel like the past was a lie. But all this is just pain. It hurts, badly, but that pain by itself is not a sign of permanent damage, any more than the pain of a stubbed toe is a sign that you’ve broken your toe. The long-term questions are, Can this relationship heal, and Do I want it to heal? It sounds like you are working on answering these questions. I wish you all the best, and thank you again for your support. Be well!

]]> Comment on How will someone respond to betrayal? Seven factors by mgrdm66 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/194#comment-3050 mgrdm66 Thu, 28 Jan 2010 02:11:18 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/194#comment-3050 These are all great points that make a lot of sense. I am someone who was betrayed during year 18 of marriage. It's been two years and not much repair has been done. The betrayal discolors the WHOLE relationship. After two years of trying to recover, it starts to seem like the whole relationship must not have been that good at all. We were obviously not as close as I thought. What I thought was a generally happy or at least content family obviously wasn't. It does not make me feel as though there was much glue. All good things to keep in mind. If I consider all 7, then it is probably best I leave. I would say I have probably read all the major books out there on the subject of affairs and betrayal. Dr. Kirshenbaum's books When Good People Have Affairs and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay have been by far the best resources. They are each comprehensive in presenting the subject of what an affair can be and how a person having an affair may feel along with realistic resolution strategies. Too Good to leave, Too Bad to Stay is helpful for any hurting relationship. I gave it to a friend in a similar situation who did feel great about her husband before the affair but felt pressure from those around her to give up. The book has helped her to see the many strengths still within their relationship. Many thanks to Dr. Kirshenbaum. She will never know how many families she has helped. These are all great points that make a lot of sense. I am someone who was betrayed during year 18 of marriage. It’s been two years and not much repair has been done.

The betrayal discolors the WHOLE relationship. After two years of trying to recover, it starts to seem like the whole relationship must not have been that good at all. We were obviously not as close as I thought. What I thought was a generally happy or at least content family obviously wasn’t. It does not make me feel as though there was much glue.

All good things to keep in mind. If I consider all 7, then it is probably best I leave.

I would say I have probably read all the major books out there on the subject of affairs and betrayal. Dr. Kirshenbaum’s books When Good People Have Affairs and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay have been by far the best resources. They are each comprehensive in presenting the subject of what an affair can be and how a person having an affair may feel along with realistic resolution strategies. Too Good to leave, Too Bad to Stay is helpful for any hurting relationship. I gave it to a friend in a similar situation who did feel great about her husband before the affair but felt pressure from those around her to give up. The book has helped her to see the many strengths still within their relationship. Many thanks to Dr. Kirshenbaum. She will never know how many families she has helped.

]]> Comment on “I thought we were the only ones…”: Clutter clashes by berkcla http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/187#comment-3039 berkcla Sat, 09 Jan 2010 08:22:49 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/187#comment-3039 Thank you for calling attention to this serious problem, that can be life threatening. Clearly it is difficult for anyone who does not suffer from a cluttering problem to understand what it is like to be paralyzed emotionally and unable to let go of things that appear to be trash to others. Thank god there is a 12 step group for people who are desperate to help themselves through fellowship, action and provides tools to let go of things one day at a time. Clutterers Anonymous http://www.clutterersanonymous.net Thank you for calling attention to this serious problem, that can be life threatening. Clearly it is difficult for anyone who does not suffer from a cluttering problem to understand what it is like to be paralyzed emotionally and unable to let go of things that appear to be trash to others. Thank god there is a 12 step group for people who are desperate to help themselves through fellowship, action and provides tools to let go of things one day at a time. Clutterers Anonymous http://www.clutterersanonymous.net

]]> Comment on A new marriage for the new year by Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/185#comment-3036 Charles Tue, 05 Jan 2010 12:08:55 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/185#comment-3036 Good for you! Let us know how it works out. Good for you! Let us know how it works out.

]]> Comment on A new marriage for the new year by Felipe http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/185#comment-3035 Felipe Tue, 05 Jan 2010 08:03:26 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/185#comment-3035 Even though I'm not married I'll try this out with my gf let's see, thanks! Even though I’m not married I’ll try this out with my gf let’s see, thanks!

]]> Comment on Healthy mourning by Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/155#comment-2983 Charles Sun, 25 Oct 2009 10:32:13 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/155#comment-2983 We're just glad for the opportunity to help so many people. Thanks for the inspiration. We’re just glad for the opportunity to help so many people. Thanks for the inspiration.

]]> Comment on Healthy mourning by Quicksilver http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/155#comment-2982 Quicksilver Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:06:23 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/155#comment-2982 Hi Mira, Thanks for including me in your Blog. Things are somewhat better this week. Lots of talking on my part, glad to have friends that will listen. I will be in touch. Hi Mira,
Thanks for including me in your Blog. Things are somewhat better this week. Lots of talking on my part, glad to have friends that will listen.
I will be in touch.

]]> Comment on Lies, damned lies by Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/137#comment-2968 Charles Sun, 11 Oct 2009 16:36:24 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/137#comment-2968 hey thanks. really appreciate the support. means a lot to me. Mira hey thanks. really appreciate the support. means a lot to me. Mira

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