Excerpt 1:
Why I wrote this book, and why you should read it
Too many of us choose the wrong guys for the wrong reasons and then stay with them for too long. What a waste! This has to stop.
I've felt for a long time that we can do much better. The seed for this book was planted the day Michelle came to see me. Her love life was driving her crazy. For two years she'd been with a guy she'd hoped was the love of her life. Sometimes he made her happy. But she'd finally accepted what she'd been denying for too long – he was too often angry, selfish, and negative.
"Mira," she said, "how the hell do you know if a guy is right for you? I'm so sick of wasting time in relationships that go nowhere." She sighed. "Why is all this so hard? In some ways he's great. But I don't want to be with him just to end up getting divorced. I don't want to be alone. It feels scary for me to dump a guy just because I have my doubts."
There was something about Michelle – bright, warm, sweet, deserving all the best that life has to offer – that touched my heart. She went on, "Is there something wrong with me? My ability to trust guys is at a minimum now. IÕm so ashamed to be in this situation. Shouldn't I know if he's the one?" She paused. "Maybe I should just suck it up and commit to him."
I'll spare you the gory details, but looking back Michelle had pretty much chosen the wrong guys the same way we might choose the wrong melons. We thump, squeeze, sniff, but we don't know what to look for. I thought, wow, if Michelle's history of choosing men is what normal gets you, what happens to those of us who are a little screwed up?
At one point I blurted out, "You've made every mistake in the book."
"What book?" Michelle joked.
"Well, I wish there were a book," I said.
"So you should write it," Michelle said. I told her I'd try my best.
For years I'd dreamed of a crystal ball for sizing up guys. As a therapist I've seen thousands of women who have wasted time with guys they never should've committed to in the first place. It breaks my heart. And these women are just a small sampling of the millions of women in the same boat. Twenty percent of first marriages drop dead in the first five years. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the many people getting together who don't belong together. It's nuts! Why can't we identify the guy who's right for us in the first place?
So I rolled up my sleeves and set about figuring out what's most important when you're choosing someone to share your life. With the help of my partner, Dr. Charles Foster, I interviewed women who were happy with their decision to commit and those who regretted it, women from Los Angeles to New York, Seattle to Atlanta, Amsterdam to Tokyo. White, black, Asian, Hispanic. Rural, urban, suburban. Gay and straight. Rich and poor. PhD's from Harvard and PhD's from the School of Hard Knocks. I heard all their war stories, all the anger and humor and pain at what they'd gone through trying to figure out if some guy was right for them. I interviewed a lot of men too.
All that has brought forth Is He Mr. Right? This book is the crystal ball I'd dreamed of. It will give you everything you need to see if your guy is Mr. Right, and not Mr. Wrong, not Mr. Right-Now, not Mr. Oh-My-God-What-Demented-State-Was-I-In-to-Get-Involved-with-This-Jerk.
At the heart of this book is a brand-new understanding of the one most important factor that determines whether a guy is right for you. You'll discover the secret of women who end up finding love. You'll see how to distinguish the real thing from the counterfeit. You'll understand why you've gone in and out of relationships that weren't satisfying. You'll be able to tell the difference between guys who are keepers and those who are losers. You'll know the signs that show whether you can trust a guy or not. You'll learn to prevent your own issues from blinding you to who's right for you. You'll see what to pay attention to at every stage. By the end, you'll know everything you need to know before you go any further in your relationship.
Finally, you'll get the clarity you've been hungry for. Of course the final decision is up to you, but I'll make no bones about telling you, "Dump this guy!" if that's what the signs point to. I'll show you plenty of good signs too, because there are a lot of good guys out there. Maybe you've found one already!
