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Archive for August 2013

The ultimate, best ever, top 10 do’s and don’ts for having a long, satisfying marriage

by Mira and Charles on August 30th, 2013

I keep getting requests for this, so…

If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom mirror. Then write down these 10 do’s and don’ts, tape them to the side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and you’ll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do’s and not do the don’ts, but that’s a mere detail.

The point is — and it’s a revolutionary point, when you think about it — that you don’t have to be a genius or a saint for the two of you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force. All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it up too badly. And it will be there for you when you’re in your golden years.

Okay, in no particular order, here are our top 10 most important do’s and don’ts: (more…)

Love and kindness, part 4

by Mira and Charles on August 25th, 2013

When we left off last time we had finished talking about how if you want to be kind, you have to

  • understand the other person (particularly their vulnerabilities),
  • have some emotional energy,
  • AND be aware of your effect on others (particularly the ways we can seem to have power over the other person). 

These are the ingredients of kindness. 

Which brings us now to the question which launched this series of blogs.  If failures to be kind will be among our greatest regrets, and if being kind can make such a huge difference to our relationships, HOW DO YOU DO THAT?  HOW DO WE BECOME SOMEONE WHO IS MORE KIND? (more…)

Love and kindness, part 3

by Mira and Charles on August 21st, 2013

Well, it turns out we are finding ourselves going deeper into this business of being kind.  Last time we’d left off with the question, “So now what do we need to be kind to each other in our relationships?”  What we’d established is that at least two of the things you need to be kind are: a) an understanding of the other person and b) enough emotional energy so you have something to give.  But is that enough? (more…)

Love and kindness, cont.

by Mira and Charles on August 16th, 2013

Well, that was stupid: setting up a question for myself in the previous blog that was so hard it’s almost impossible to answer.  Kindness is good, and more kindness is better, but since just telling people to be kind to each is lame, do Saunders’ recommendations for how to be kind actually help, and if they don’t what would help more? 

Let’s remember: Saunders’ says that if we’re going to try to be kinder to each other, here’s what will help:

Education is good; immersing ourselves in a work of art: good; prayer is good; meditation’s good; a frank talk with a dear friend; establishing ourselves in some kind of spiritual tradition.

I think, sadly, that if I were to ask Saunders how he knows that these work to make people kinder, he’d say, Well, I just assumed . . .

In fact, we all know far to many people who are educated, or who meditate, or who immerse themselves in art, or who are established in a spiritual tradition who are not actually helped to be more kind. 

So what does work? (more…)

Love and kindness

by Mira and Charles on August 12th, 2013

Only the most naïve rooky therapist would think of telling a couple in a troubled relationship that things would be fine if they just were kind to each other.  It’s not that simple! 

Of course some people are just mean and thoughtless, but for them being kind is as hard as it is for me to walk on my hands.  But what about all the people who are basically kind and yet find themselves stuck in anger and hurt and distance in their relationships?  What happened?  Did kindness fail?  Or did the people just fail to be kind? 

Can kindness save love?  Or, if not, is there any hope for us? 

I thought about all this when (more…)

MORE on emotional energy

by Mira and Charles on August 8th, 2013

Here we go again, ripped from the headlines.  This time the interview is from a major European magazine. 

Q:  I read in another interview you gave that research shows that only 30% of energy is physical and the rest is emotional. Could you tell me a bit more about this research, who conducted it, what it involved and what the results were?

CHI: This research was what’s called an expert survey. I contacted endocrinologists, nutritionists, and sports medicine specialists and asked them (more…)

Susan Sontag, sex therapist

by Mira and Charles on August 5th, 2013

The great challenge, when it comes to writing about sex, is to find something to say that’s interesting, new, and helpful.  It’s hard to get any one of these—particular hard to find something new or helpful to say!—but getting all three is the Holy Grail. 

Well, as uncovered in a wonderful blog post, of all people we find Susan Sontag—a great cultural critic—offering sex advice in some paragraphs culled from her journal.  She was 28.

As a writer, I tolerate error, poor performance, failure. So what if I fail some of the time, if a story or an essay is no good? Sometimes things do go well, the work is good. And that’s enough.

It’s just this attitude I don’t have about sex. I don’t tolerate (more…)

Are humans made for monogamy?

by Mira and Charles on August 2nd, 2013

Every once in a while someone uncorks the argument the monogamy isn’t natural.  He’ll point to the way our ape cousins the chimps and bonobos are quite uninterested in fidelity—to say the least!—and also at the many non-monogamous arrangements that have occurred in human societies throughout history.  And of course you only have to look at how common infidelity is in our society to wonder about how natural monogamy really is.

But important and persuasive research just out shows that monogamy may not only be natural to us humans.  It may have made us who we are.

It seems that (more…)

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a selection of our books

  • I Love You But I Don't Trust You
  • Is He Mr. Right?
  • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
  • Everything Happens for a Reason
  • Feel Better Fast
  • Emotional Energy Factor
  • Parent/Teen Breakthrough
  • What Do I Do Now?
more books . . .