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Archive for August 2012

How marriages die: a brief detour

by Mira and Charles on August 31st, 2012

Responding to a reader’s comment

Before we go any further with this series, I’d like to respond to a reader’s comment (sent to me via Facebook) about the last blog post. Here’s her entire comment:

and then with all of that, there’s the other party and if you pass the chemistry test on their end…when you stop and think about it, love is such a big investment and an even bigger risk…I never thought that I would think let alone say this but sometimes I wonder if the risk is too high

I’m really glad this woman raised this point. I know it’s on the mind of lots of you.

So here’s the deal.  (more…)

How marriages die, Part 2

by Mira and Charles on August 28th, 2012

Today’s reason for why marriages die finds me kind of pissed off, and maybe when you hear why you’ll be pissed off too.

Last time we talked about marriages dying because at the beginning people weren’t fully honest with themselves about who they were or what they wanted. This time the issue is similar but different. It’s about (more…)

How marriages die, Part 1

by Mira and Charles on August 24th, 2012

. . . which you need to understand if you want to keep your marriage alive

Welcome to part 1 in new series on the causes of the death of marriages. Pay attention. You can only keep your marriage alive if you know how it might die.

Something we’ve come to understand about the body is that the processes that lead to premature death often begin years or decades earlier. For instance, the guy who dies of a heart attack at age 59 may have started the death process decades earlier by embarking on a high-sodium, high-fat diet.

Well, it can be the same thing when it comes to marriage. No structure can stand if the foundation is constantly undermined.

And one of the worse culprits is (more…)

The art of issuing ultimatums

by Mira and Charles on August 17th, 2012

On making ultimatums work for you

Here’s another entry in our “ripped from the headlines” series. This time it was a major woman’s magazine asking about ultimatums: Should you ever issue them and how do you prevent them from backfiring?

Here’s our answer: (more…)

Why are so many women trapped in crappy relationships?

by Mira and Charles on August 15th, 2012

The trouble women have making a declaration of independence

Part of me doesn’t want to write this blog post. That’s because I’m afraid that if men knew the truth about the way so many women feel about relationships, the men would feel they have a license to treat women even worse than they do now.

Here’s the deal. I’m mad. That’s because I’ve been see a lot of women recently who are all in the same fix. Now I’ve seen this for decades, but the recent influx has just gotten to me, I guess.

These are all terrific women—bright, attractive, interesting—who describe being with guys who are just plain jerks. They don’t treat the women right. They don’t make them a priority. They don’t go out of their way to give the women anything. They don’t even seem to like the women.

And yet the women stay.

Why? (more…)

A big win for psychotherapy

by Mira and Charles on August 13th, 2012

New studies show psychotherapy is safe and highly effective

The word has been out for a long time, but it’s always useful to see powerful new data confirming the fact that psychotherapy is a good thing. (See reports here, here, and here.)

But this new data goes much further. (more…)

True self, real love

by Mira and Charles on August 10th, 2012

Here’s another entry in our “ripped from the headlines” series. This time the questions are from the leading magazine in its field. The questions grow out of the whole issue of “living authentically.” And here they move on to the inauthenticity of staying in a relationship with someone you no longer want to be with. I didn’t try to be controversial, but that may be how it turned out. Here’s the raw interview:

Editor: How do you recognize your true self, and how do you go about living by those criteria? (more…)

Free excerpt from I Love You but I Don’t Trust You

by Mira and Charles on August 6th, 2012

For some reason, we’ve been getting a number of requests for a reposting of the first chapter of I Love You but I Don’t Trust You. Well, your wish is our command:

Chapter 1

Finding Your Way Back to Each Other

I know. You feel so hurt, so scared, so angry. There’s nothing worse than when someone betrays you and you feel you can’t trust them. You can’t imagine it’s possible that you would ever trust that person again, and at this moment you may not even want to try.

And yet hope is a stubborn thing. Somewhere deep inside you, you sense a spark of possibility. Maybe, just maybe, the terrible mistrust you feel isn’t the end of the relationship. Maybe trust can be restored. Maybe the relationship can heal.

Then again, maybe you’re afraid that hope doesn’t make sense right now. I understand. I felt all this myself. And so have millions of other people who’ve been through this.

Here’s what Heather told me:

Heather’s story. When she got the first hint of what Chris had done Heather was immediately swamped by those bitter, dizzy feelings of suspicion we all know so well. It’s like when an earthquake starts. Anything is possible, none of it good.

In a kind of manic, dread-filled daze, Heather searched through Chris’s computer and checkbook. When she finally found (more…)

“What were you thinking?”

by Mira and Charles on August 2nd, 2012

What people say about why they cheat

Go ahead . . . tell me you saw this coming. I dare you. I’m talking about Kristen Stewart being caught cheating on Robert Pattinson. (Here’s the E! play by play.) And then she publically apologized, which is where we come in. Because inside the apology was a couple of words explaining (sort of!) how something like this could have happened:

I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.

Did you catch the explanation? Because it might have flown right by you. She called it a “momentary indiscretion.” You know, like when you want to pass some gas and you’re sure it’ll come out silent as a soft summer breeze and instead it erupts like summer thunder. Oops! A momentary indiscretion! Suddenly everyone at the dinner table is looking at you.

It was her explanation that got some people talking.  But is it really like that? Is an affair like a silent fart gone very wrong? (more…)

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a selection of our books

  • I Love You But I Don't Trust You
  • Is He Mr. Right?
  • Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
  • Everything Happens for a Reason
  • Feel Better Fast
  • Emotional Energy Factor
  • Parent/Teen Breakthrough
  • What Do I Do Now?
more books . . .