A sick spouse, a strong marriage
by Mira and Charles on April 16th, 2009If one person in a marriage gets sick or injured it can make their relationship much stronger. But too often it it doesn’t; it sends the relationship into a tailspin. It all depends on how you handle things. The fact is that most of us could handle things a lot better.
Michael suffered from insomnia. But his wife Kate also suffered because his insomnia made Mike so edgy, so brittle. It also meant he had very little to give her and the kids. It felt as if “they” didn’t get along, but it was really the insomnia that was causing most of their problems.
Jenny had thyroid trouble. Sometimes she was terribly tired. Sometimes she was terribly irritable. Sometimes she was fine. Her husband Joe never knew which Jenny he’d find. They had terrible fights and often talked about divorce, and it was only later, after they got help, that they realized how most of their relationship difficulties were caused by Jenny’s thyroid.
Craig had been very active in all kinds of sports. As he got into his late 30s, it started catching up with him and he fell victim to back and shoulder problems that left him in constant pain. He needed a lot of help and sympathy. Unfortunately, he needed far more attention than his wife, Ellie, had the time and energy to give him. They both felt abandoned and resentful.
When Laurie went into menopause she thought she and her husband were ready for it. They’d both done a lot of reading. But her mood swings were far more than either of them could easily deal with and they ended up fighting a lot and feeling very distant.
What’s going on here? How can illness and injury have such a devastating impact on our relationships? And what can we do about it?
Our intentions are good. If a loved one has a medical problem, we try to be there for them. If we have a medical problem, we try not to be too much of a burden.
But at some point our systems get overloaded. The need one person has for help and understanding just swamps the other person’s ability to provide them. To make matters worse, the two people start blaming each other. Oddly, even though their fights grow out of the illness or injury, it can be hard for us to see how much of an impact that really has.
But help is at hand. To keep the solution in your mind, think of the word AURA, as in the wonderful aura of light you’d like to have surrounding your relationship. AURA stands for:
Acknowledge
Understand
Respond
Accept
Let’s take these one at a time.
Acknowledge. The first step is to know what to blame. This physical problem isn’t some sideshow that you “should” be able to deal with if only one or the other of you weren’t such a jerk. Instead, this physical problem is like an evil in-law who’s moved in with you and has nothing better to do than to make problems. You need to be able to turn toward each other and say, “We’re both good people and we both love each other but this problem is very real and is taking a big toll on our relationship. It’s not us. It’s that.”
Understand. Every illness or injury has its own specific effects on a relationship, as we saw with Michael, Jenny, Craig and Laurie. You need to understand just how your physical condition is affecting your relationship, not just the symptoms generally associated with your physical condition but also the symptoms that affect you in particular.
Take insomnia. Now you’d think that if someone doesn’t get enough sleep, they’d be sleepy. But it doesn’t work that way in reality. With enough coffee and the ability we have to keep running on empty, someone with insomnia can often seem more up than down, more hyper than exhausted. And they’ll seem to be coping well enough until one little thing goes wrong. Unfortunately, it’s too often their partner that’s done that one little thing. And then their partner becomes the victim of their inability to cope. In this case what you need to understand are the ways the effects of insomnia hide under a seemingly normal surface.
But every physical condition needs to be understood in its own way. I can’t possibly go into all the conditions there are here and now. But you and your partner can and must have a talk where you help each other understand the effects of the illness or injury on your relationship. One of you needs to say, “This is what it’s like for me when I’m sick.” And the other listens. Then the other needs to say, “And this is what it’s like for me when you’re sick,” and then the first person listens.
Often just understanding the feelings each of you has and the ways you’re both affected by your condition will save your relationship a lot of pain and damage.
Respond. It can’t be business as usual when one of you is dealing with a significant illness or injury. Fate has added a whole bunch of needs to your relationship and they must be dealt with.
Here’s what to do. Have a talk in which one of you says, “Here are the three most important things I need from you around my physical condition.”
For example, “Ignore my symptoms unless I ask you for some specific thing.” Or “If you see me struggling, ask if there’s anything you can do to help.” Or “Every once in a while, like every couple of days, do one little thing to take care of me without my having to ask.”
And the other needs to say, “Here are the three most important things I need from you around your physical condition.”
For example, “I never know what to do to help you. Just ask me for what you want.” Or “It’s hard for me to know what’s going on with you. Let me know when you’re not feeling well and be specific about what you’re feeling.”
The reason you want to focus on the three things you each need is that three things can be done and can be remembered. And even though you might have a long list of things you need from each other, if you focus on your top three, you’ll probably do just great.
Accept. You need to accept each other. The one who’s ill or injured can’t help it. He’s really doing his best. But the other person is doing her best, too. If you accept the fact that you both have really good intentions, this will take you very far.
And accept the fact that the illness or injury you’re dealing with is going to play a very real and powerful role in your relationship until it goes away. It’s going to require time and effort to acknowledge and understand and respond and accept what you’re dealing with. But if you do this, you’ll not only save your relationship but you’ll make it stronger than ever.
As you can see, there’s a lot of emotional fallout when something goes wrong with our bodies. For more help on this topic, click here to check out the classic book is Feel Better Fast: Overcoming the Emotional and Psychological Fallout from Illness and Injury.
What are your thoughts on this topic? What have I missed? Tell me about your experiences, either how a physical problem hurt your relationship or what you found that worked to overcome the negative effects of an illness or injury on your relationship. I’d love to hear from you.
Please take very good care of yourself.
Love, Mira and Charles
