Will your marriage survive: the clue that tells the tale
by Mira and Charles on April 9th, 2009Okay: there are problems in your relationship. Welcome to the club! And one of the questions you may be asking yourself is, “Can our marriage be saved?” Good question! And what’s the answer? Here’s how to look for clues that make all the difference.
Couples usually seek us out for one of two reasons. The first reason is that they’ve gotten into the relationship equivalent of a head-on collision. A big mess, a lot of damage, a lot of pain. Like when one discovers the other has done something behind their back and feels betrayed. Bill and Laura were a couple like this. They were in their forties, and they were vaguely arty looking, which made sense since Bill was a working musician and Laura was a painter. Their whole sad story soon came out. Laura had discovered that Bill had been having an affair with a woman who was a friend of theirs. She was devastated and furious. Bill felt tremendously guilty and terribly afraid that he would lose Laura. But he was also angry, because for years, he said, Laura hadn’t shown much interest in having sex with him.
The other reason couples come to us for help is that things have slowly drifted from bad to worse until people wake up to find their marriage so much worse than they thought it could be. Mike and Allie fell into this category. Things had been okay at the beginning, but then, under the pressure of everyday life, their relationship had started to unravel. Overwhelmed with work, Allie found it hard to warm up to Mike. She resisted his attempts to be affectionate. So Mike started dialing back his attempts at reaching out to Allie. She didn’t sleep with him because he wasn’t affectionate. He wasn’t affectionate because she wouldn’t sleep with him. And so they drifted apart.
But we’ve learned that if you want to peer into the crystal ball and catch a glimpse at how much at risk a couple really is, the size or seriousness of their problem is not as good a predictor as you might think. Couples can come in throwing pots and pans at each other, figuratively speaking, and then end up healing completely and surprisingly quickly. On the other hand, couples can come in complaining of nothing more than “we wish there was more oomph in our relationship” and never find their way back to each other.
So what is that X factor that makes all the difference? It’s their strengths. The true story of a relationship is written in the strengths of that relationship. The more strengths a couple has, and the greater those strengths, the more likely a couple is to weather the worst storm, just the way someone who’s young, healthy, and strong can have a terrible accident and yet rapidly have a full recovery. Without many strengths, though, it may not take much to push a relationship over the edge, just the way someone who’s frail and elderly can die after catching cold.
Bill and Laura were one of those couples where there were real hidden strengths, although it was hard to see their strengths the first couple of sessions.
For one thing, they really loved each other. This matters. To me it says, “In spite of what’s going on, in spite of how hurt and scared and angry I am, I still have hope that things can be good between us.” And when people have hope like this in the midst of great difficulties, that’s a real strength. It’s not just that hope is something I can use as their therapist-their hope is usually based on their seeing something that I may not be able to see yet.
Another strength Bill and Laura had was they had a lot in common. I’ve mentioned that they were both in the arts. Although Bill is a musician and Laura is a painter, they’re both deeply involved in each other’s work. Each was the other’s number-one supporter and constructive critic.
And they always had a lot to talk about. This is a big strength in a couple that’s been together for fifteen years.
Don’t get me wrong. Strengths like these don’t by themselves solve a couple’s problems. But they do keep a relationship alive while the couple works on their problems, and they give a couple motivation to keep working. And that energy and good will is what makes all the difference. It’s how ultimately Bill and Laura were able to hang in there so that Bill was able to win back Laura’s trust and forgiveness and the two of them were able to find their way to a better sexual relationship.
So here’s a suggestion for you and your partner. Each of you write down a list of what you think are the greatest strengths in your relationship. What kinds of strengths should you consider? I’ve already mentioned a few: love (but you have to really feel it-I’m not talking about an abstract concept), having things in common (but they have to be things that you consistently participate in with each other), and having a lot to talk about (but they have to be things you enjoy talking about).
Here are some other strengths you might want to look for. Having a good physical relationship. Genuinely liking each other. Sharing the same vision for how you want to live. Feeling safe with the other person. Feeling you can tell each other anything. Truly respecting each other and feeling respected by the other. Always being able to have fun when you’re together. Being able to take good care of each other.
One thing though. It’s great if you have wonderful kids, terrific friends, a beautiful house, things like that. These are all good things to have in your life. But they’re not strengths in your relationship. Relationship strengths are experiences you consistently have when it’s just the two of you.
And once you’ve listed all your strengths, keep them in mind, honor them, and be grateful for them. They are the foundation of your relationship. Use them.
Of course, if you are struggling to figure out whether to stay in your relationship or get out of it, click here for the classic book on the subject. If you want to make things better, click here for the book that offers more real help than any other.
Love, Mira and Charles
