Healing the same-fight syndrome
by Mira and Charles on March 1st, 2009Couples don’t have a lot of different fights; they keep having the same fight over and over. For example, Frank and Carol both put in long hours on their jobs, but Carol has to deal with the stress of managing people, while Frank spends his time mostly with numbers. When they get home from work, Frank pushes to connect with Carol. But Carol needs time to chill, so she pushes Frank away. Night after night they struggle the same way like this and end up in the same place, with Frank feeling rejected and Carol feeling that Frank doesn’t really care about her. Same fight, every night.
We’ve all come to the realization that we’re not only arguing about the same thing with our partner, we’re arguing in the same way, just as we’ve done a hundred times before. Not being able to get out of this pattern makes us feel sad and frustrated.
Why do couples have the same fight over and over? And what can you do about it?
Couples resolve disagreements all the time, but sometimes chronic, knotty problems appear in their lives that leave one or both of them feeling devalued or disempowered. He gets the sense that she doesn’t respect him, for example. She doesn’t feel he’s really listening to her, as if he believes she’s not worth listening to. This causes people’s sense of generosity and patience to fly out the window. But generosity and patience are just the resources we need most to find solutions. Without them, we keep having the same fight over and over again.
To break out of the same-fight syndrome you need a relationship revolution. Here’s what to do.
First, acknowledge that the two of you keep having the same fight over and over again and that this pattern is something you both contribute to, because it is. One of you could say, “You know, every time we get stuck it’s because I do this, you do that, and then I respond the way I do, and you respond the way you do, and we’re off and running.” No blame, no finger pointing, just a flat, neutral description of the pattern.
Next, agree that whatever else happens, you won’t have that same old fight ever again. Give that old pattern of fighting a name. Then whenever you catch yourself falling into it, one of you says, for example, “Honey, we’re having that old coming-home-from-work fight again,” and then you just stop, in mid-sentence if necessary. After all, that’s what one of these patterns is: a kind of dance that requires two people. If even one of you stops, the old pattern stops.
Then understand how you’ve gotten polarized and reverse it. Let me explain. A fight means that one of you is saying, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” or, “I’m smart and you’re an idiot.” You get locked into positions that feel much further apart than they really are.
To reverse this, each of you should acknowledge the ways the other might be right, or the ways the other’s needs might be valid. For example, “Honey, I understand that when you come home after a hard day’s work you’re frazzled and need time for yourself.” “Sweetie, I know that your day has been kind of lonely and that when we get together, you’re really wanting us to connect.”
Don’t worry: This acceptance of each other’s needs doesn’t mean you’re throwing your own needs overboard. Instead, it lays the foundation for your both being able to get more of both of your needs met.
This act of acknowledgment and acceptance will begin your relationship revolution. It makes it possible for the final step of problem solving to begin. In the glow of mutual acceptance, one of you should say, “What would be a solution to the way we keep getting stuck that will work for both of us? Let’s brainstorm some possibilities.”
Then kick some ideas around. Whichever idea seems best, try that. This doesn’t automatically make everything perfect, but it accomplishes the all-important task of ending the frustration and disappointment that comes from feeling helplessly stuck in your old unproductive pattern.
Soon you’ll have healed your same-fight syndrome.
For more help with the problems that lead to fights, click here to check out the best book on identifying and resolving the problems in your relationship.
