How to Improve Your Relationship FAST
by Mira and Charles on February 16th, 2009People are always asking us what’s the fastest, easiest way to heal the disconnect in a relationship and make it work better. Is there a magic wand? There is! It’s a simple little technique we call, “I feel loved when…”Here’s how it works.
You sit down with your partner and you say something like, “I want to know what makes you feel loved. I’m sorry; I should know it, but I just don’t. I need you to tell me some things that I could do to make you feel loved, whether I’ve ever done them or not. And I’d like to do the same thing for you, tell you some things that make me feel loved when you do them. How does that sound? That way we’ll both know exactly what makes each other feel loved.”
That’s all there is too it. You tell your partner what makes you feel loved and he tells you what makes him feel loved. You each don’t have to share more than three things (but a nice long list is good too). They can be things that your partner is already doing (however rarely!) that make you feel loved when he does them. Or they can be things that would make you feel loved if your partner did them.
The first key to making this successful is being specific. A bad answer is “I feel loved when you’re nice to me.” It’s bad because it doesn’t point to any concrete action. What the hell is “nice”? A good answer might be, “I feel loved when you smile at me.” Or, “I feel loved when you give me a hug and a kiss when you come home.”
The second key to making this successful is that what you ask for is something the other person can do. A bad answer is “I’d feel loved if you made up for all the ways you’ve neglected me in the past.” But how can anyone realistically ever do this?
A good answer might be, “I feel loved when you talk to me in a gentle, loving way, and even if you get frustrated with me you stay patient, and listen, and don’t start getting angry.”
It can be anything. Over the years we’ve heard people say things like, “I’d feel loved if you lost your big belly.” “…if you took the garbage out without being reminded.” “…if you took my side when I disagree with your mother.” “…if you initiated sex once in a while.” “…if you went to visit my sister with me.” “…if you listened to me when I talked about what a terrible day I’d had.” You get the picture. Specific. Do-able. That’s what makes people feel loved.
Here’s why this works like magic, if you actually do it. You see, too much of the time in our relationships we don’t do anything to make our partners feel loved. Then we complain that they’re not doing anything to make us feel loved! And if we do something to show our love, we too often just do stereotypical things, like buying flowers, or else we do for our partner things that make us feel loved.
But everyone has his or her own language of love. Neither you nor your partner will feel loved unless both of you do those things that actually make each of you feel loved in your own unique way.
But when you know what makes each other feel loved and you do it, it’s as if your relationship suddenly has a magic injection of Love Potion #9.
Try this. And let me know how it goes for you. If you have trouble, tell us about it. And if it goes well, which it should, tell me about that too. If we help each other, we will succeed. Share your wisdom with the rest of us!
Want further help? Click here for the best book on healing problems in relationships, and click here for the best book on how to improve your relationship when you’re so busy that you don’t have much time for each other.
Love, Mira and Charles
