THE CHESTNUT HILL INSTITUTE

Valentine’s Day is a time when we all want to be with someone we love who is right for us.  If you’ve already got that, good for you!  But if not, you may be feeling a lot of pressure to find someone.  The temptation, particularly when you’re going through a dry spell, is to settle for someone who’s not just right for you.  But that’s a mistake you don’t have to make, no matter who you are.  You can find true love.  Here’s what to look for. 

The need to have someone say, “Will you be my Valentine?” often goes back to elementary school.  Back then there was a voluntary system.  You sent these little cards to whomever you wanted.  And you didn’t send them to people you didn’t like.  Yikes!  Every Valentine’s Day turned into a giant, class-wide popularity contest.  We counted, compared, and gloated or suffered.

These kind of anxieties haunt us even well into adulthood.  If we’re not in a loving relationship on February 14^th, yikes!  We’re sure we’ve flunked some cosmic popularity contest. 

So, of course, there’s the pressure to get some kind of relationship going around this time of year.  Which sends us out beating the bushes for someone who is right for us.  Which in turn sends many of us to on-line dating sites.  But do these work?  And how can we use them to our advantage so we really do find Mr. or Ms. Right?

A fascinating insight into this recently showed up on the pages of the NY Times.   The author and his wife, who consider themselves happily married, signed up with a very well known computer dating site.  They filled out the questionnaire as completely and honestly as they could.  The question was, Would they be matched with each other? 

You’d think they would be.  Obviously if the site’s “algorithm” (its procedure for matching partner-seekers) was good, it wouldn’t miss matching this husband and wife who’d already proved that they were a good match.

But it did miss them.  The author and his wife received many matches.  But neither was on the other’s list of matches.

What went wrong here?  I know the answer.

These sites match people on the basis of compatibility.  Compatibility is basically about whether facts about you mean you’ll have a good match if your partner either has the same facts (you both like football) or has facts that complement your facts (one of you likes to talk and the other likes to listen).  It sounds right, doesn’t it?  But if it were so right, why didn’t it match the author of that article and his wife?  And why do so many matches fizzle even though they are supposedly based on this compatibility?

The answer is that compatibility doesn’t explain why people are good together.  Happiness in love is not about compatibility.  It’s about chemistry.  Compatibility is some theoretical idea of “fit.”  Chemistry is about how it actually feels to be together.

Now get this amazing fact.  People who aren’t all that compatible on paper can have great chemistry (perhaps like the author of the NY Times article and his wife).  And people who are supposedly perfectly compatible can have lousy chemistry (just like so many friends you’ve tried to fix up!). 

So what do you do about this as Valentine’s Day looms and you’re looking for someone to be with?  By all means use the dating sites.  They are a great way to generate candidates.  But the people who find a partner fastest use every means available to them, fix ups, random meetings, dating sites, you name it.  Cast your net wide.

Now here’s the best way to use these dating sites.  Be very specific about the things that are very important to you.  But don’t be all that specific about things that actually aren’t all that important to you.  The point is that you want to get a lot of matches, weed out only those who are decidedly unacceptable.  Then you can get your face in front of as many people as possible, and then and only then can you begin to see if you have true couple chemistry or not.

Now how do you know if you truly have couple chemistry?  Well, it just so happens Mira Kirshenbaum wrote the bible on this all-important topic.  It’s called Is He Mr. Right?  I hope you’ll check it out.  And by the way, although it’s written for women, everything in it applies just as much to men who are looking for Ms. Right.

Here’s the 30-second version of what we say in this book.  There are five dimensions of chemistry. 

1. Does it feel easy to be with each other and at the same time do you feel connected?
2. Do you have fun together?
3. Do you respect him and do you feel he respects you?
4. Do you feel safe from criticism or being ignored?
5. Are you attracted to him and does it feel good to be affectionate and sexual?

 Now here’s the thing.  You don’t need a high score on any of these.  It’s just pass/fail.  You’ve either got it or you don’t.  For example, you don’t need to have a ton of fun together, but you either have fun when you’re together or you don’t. 

But you do need all five dimensions for a relationship that is going to last and feel good.  If you don’t have a passing grade in all five dimensions, then, sooner or later the dimension where you have a failing grade will come back to bite you.  Even if you have the other four dimensions of chemistry, for example, if you don’t have fun together now, five years from now you’ll find you’re bored and distant.

The good news is that there are lots of people for each of us with whom we can have all five dimensions of chemistry.  So don’t cheat yourself. 

This Valentine’s Day make a promise to yourself that you’re going to meet as many people as you can.  If it turns out you have the five dimensions of couples chemistry, great.  Keep going forward together.  If not, then move on so you don’t waste time and so that you can find Mr. or Ms. Right all the quicker.

What do you think about this?  Have you ever found a good relationship with all five dimensions of chemistry?  If so, we’d love to hear about it! 

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Mira and Charles

Posted: Thursday, February 5th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Category: Relationships, News & Notes, Emotional Energy, Decision Making
Author: Mira and Charles
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