New Findings on Infidelity That You Need to Know
by Mira on November 11th, 2008The New York Times has just published a story about new research on infidelity. (Click here to see the article.)
I have to say that this article validates what we say in our recent book When Good People Have Affairs. And you need to know what this new research says.
For example, how often do people cheat on their spouses? How likely is it that you’ll cheat? That your spouse will cheat on you?
It is frightfully difficult to get good data on how often people cheat. But we have good reason to believe that some data is better than others. For instance, people will be more forthcoming when answering an anonymous questionnaire than answer questions face to face with a live interviewer. Face to face, 1% of women will admit they’ve cheated in the past year. On a questionnaire, 6% of women admit to cheating in the past year.
Now I think that number is still an understatement. But even if it is “only” 6%, think of what that means. If 6% of women cheat in one year, how many women will cheat over the lifetime of a marriage? It’s easy to imagine a figure approaching 50% over the lifetime of a marriage, which is the number I use in my book.
That means there’s a lot of cheatin’ goin’ on!
And these studies also show that cheating is on the rise, which we also talk about in our book. But how could this not be the case. People are more likely to cheat when there is opportunity and when they are frustrated with their marriage. Well, there is more opportunity today, given how mobile we all are.
Which brings us to the last point the article mentions: the high and rising rates of infidelity for women, rising to a level, particularly among younger women, almost equal to that of men. (We also talk about this in our book.) Why is this? Well, if there is more opportunity in general, there is particularly more opportunity for women, now that they are less likely to be tied down to their home. There is also more dissatisfaction, given the way expectations have risen.
Now what does this mean for you?
Don’t be smug. With lifetime rates of infidelity possibly approaching 50% for both men and women, none of us can afford to think we’re immune.
So don’t judge other people. We’re all imperfect people, hungry for love that we too often can’t get in our marriages. We are all vulnerable to getting involved with someone outside our marriage. It doesn’t mean that cheating is OK. It just means that you shouldn’t be too quick to judge. You could be next.
And be proactive. Never slacken your efforts to improve your marriage. You can’t just assume you can drift along without paying a big price at some point. Make time for each other, make your relationship a priority, be kind, be generous, make your needs clear, stop blaming and start coming up with solutions that work for both of you.
What are your thoughts on this? Have you found your relationship is vulnerable to one of you cheating? What have you done about it?
