THE CHESTNUT HILL INSTITUTE

For some of us, it’s really hard to choose.  You can be stuck with either one for a long time.  They’re hard to get rid of.  And if you make the wrong choice, it can have pretty terrible consequences. 

Of course, there are differences:  most of us would be pretty shocked if we woke up one morning and found the President of the United States in bed with us. 

But as a therapist, I see even deeper, and more interesting similarities.  Which is why these choices can be so emotional and keep us awake at night.

In a recent Newsweek article about why negative ads do, and do not, work (check it out ), Sharon Begley talks about how negative ads seem to have the effect of mobilizing people.  Why?  As Begley puts it, “Human being have been honed by evolution to be more motivated to avoid a negative than to seek a positive.”  If you fail to find lunch (a positive), you just go hungry.  If you fail to avoid a hungry lion (a negative), you become lunch! 

And so we have been trained by thousands of years of human history to be what I call “error activated”: we get much more excited when we notice something wrong than when we sense something good. 

And so whether it’s voting for President or choosing a mate, we focus on the imperfections and dangers we want to avoid.  Worries about little flaws nag at us, fears about ways we might get hurt obsess us. 

And what’s wrong with that? you may ask.  

It puts you at great danger of missing what’s really most important.  Here’s the truth, both about possible mates and possible Presidents. 

Even the best mates and the best Presidents are flawed human beings.  People in the happiest long-lasting marriages will be glad to tell you about their partners’ flaws and foibles.  And the biographies of the very best Presidents usually turn up a mare’s nest of imperfections.  SO WHAT? 

The truth is that what’s made all the difference in the story of our country, and the story of the best marriages, is the strengths of people.  It’s the good things, not the bad things (unless they are very bad!) that make all the difference in the end. 

Lincoln was inexperienced, a depressive, and had a squeaky voice when he became President.  But he was a great leader with great character.  I know a woman married to a guy who can be a self-absorbed, short-tempered SOB from time to time.  But he loves her, is devoted to her, and does everything he can to show it.  And they are very happy together. 

So as you agonize (if you’re still agonizing) about whom to vote for, and as you struggle with whether or not to marry someone, keep your eye on the ball.  Stop sifting through all the imperfections.  Ask yourself what are the person’s greatest strengths.  What are the person’s best qualities?  Do you have evidence that these strengths really exist?  Are they solid?  Will they make a big difference to you?  Are they the strengths you are needing and wanting? 

If you get a YES answer to all of these questions, then, mate or President, you can be pretty sure you’re making a good choice. 

So stop nit picking, stop worrying, and starting focusing on what’s most important: the good qualities that make all the difference. 

As far a choosing a mate is concerned, if you want more good advice, click here for a great book that will show you just what to focus on. 

And if you are already in a committed relationship and you are choosing whether it’s best for you to stay or leave, click here for the classic book on that topic. 

Please give my your feedback about all of this.  Do you agree with me?  Can you share stories of how this has worked in your own life?  I’d love to hear.  We’d all love to hear.