Keep the Home Fires Burning When the Wolf’s at the Door
by Mira and Charles on October 20th, 2008How do you and your spouse handle things when your family finances land on shaky ground?
Sean and Amy got married about ten years ago. Sean sells new trucks at a local Chevy dealership. Amy is the office manager for a real estate firm. They saved and, with a little help from their family, a couple of years ago they were able to buy their first home. Amy got pregnant. All seemed rosy in their world.
But then their world collapsed. What happened, and how can you keep your marriage from turning sour when your finances get shaky?
Sean and Amy probably bought a little more house than they could afford, but so did most people they knew. Amy figured she had an inside track on what looked like a booming housing market. Sean saw nothing but success ahead.
But then they got hit by a financial Hurricane Katrina. Their dream of selling their house before their adjustable rate mortgage went up got squashed by a falling housing market. The gas crisis knocked the floor out of Sean’s income: no one wanted to buy gas-guzzling pickup truck any more. At Amy’s firm they started talking about layoffs.
So far they’ve made their newly much higher mortgage payments. But they know they won’t be able to keep it up for much longer. And then what?
Everyone’s situation is a little different. The wolves at the door wear a variety of costumes. But, with at least 2 percent of us facing imminent foreclosure on our houses, with a credit crunch threatening our livelihoods, the fear is always the same. What will happen to us? What will we do? How will we cope? Will we make it?
And then the fighting starts (check it out). And that’s what I want to talk about.
It’s so sad, so stupid, and so predictable. In the words of the old proverb, when the wolf’s at the door, love flies out the window.
Stress makes people irritable. We blame our partners for much of the mess we’ve gotten into: “Why didn’t you…save more…spend less…work harder…invest more intelligently…finish your degree…TAKE BETTER CARE OF US?”
So what can you do to keep the home fires burning, to keep love alive, while the wolf is at the door? Here are the best tips I know for this. They’re not based just on what I think you should do. They are also based on what actual people in these circumstances do.
1. Never talk about the past. Never talk about blame. I know you’re itching to do it. But don’t. Just don’t. There is absolutely no reason to do so, except to poison the well of your love.
2. The only practical conversation you should have is about “What do we do now?” Get the best advice you can. Listen to it. Act on it. You see, action is the antidote to worry. If you take smart steps now to deal with things, you will immediately feel better.
3. Be nice to each other. Do little things that show affection or helpfulness or generosity. Even when you feel least like giving, give a little anyway. Have a competition to see who can be nicer to each other.
4. If one of you gets upset, don’t make things worse. Don’t escalate. Don’t blame back. Just listen. Sympathize. Show you understand how hard things have been for your partner.
5. Once a week, do something special together. It doesn’t have to cost a dime. A nice long walk. Send the kids to a neighbor’s and have a nice dinner at home just the two of you. Watch a favorite movie together. Listen to some music that you’ve both loved.
So, okay, you’re facing a financial challenge. Things might get tough. Okay. Now you have a choice. In the face of money troubles you can trash your marriage. Or, when the going gets tough, the tough can get loving and preserve one of the best things in your life. It’s up to you.
If you want to read a whole book full of tips for how to cope emotionally with tough times, you gotta check out The Emotional Energy Factor.
Now what about you? I know many of you have held your marriages together in the face of tough times. What did you do? How did you do it? We’d all love to hear!
