When Money Troubles Become Love Troubles
by Mira on October 1st, 2008Jennifer fell in love with Michael for all the normal reasons. He was cute, funny, and sweet, plus he had a nice family and friends. And it didn’t hurt that he had a good job. They seemed to be compatible in all the ways that felt important. All signals pointed to GO.
Then Real Life took hold. The love part was easy. It was daily living that broke them apart. Here’s how it works, and what you can do about it.
It started with little things. Jennifer was just a little ditsy about balancing their checkbook. She ran up little debts on their credit card. When Michael tried to rein things in, he came across like a tightwad and a jerk.
But he wasn’t perfect himself. Michael was good at saving but he put the little money they had into risky investments that too often tanked. When Jennifer tried to call him on this, he felt hurt and attacked.
There are a hundred and one variations on this pattern: the couple who come together because they attracted to each other and think they’re compatible. But they ignore whether they’re compatible when it comes to money.
A recent very popular article in the New York Times talked about what couples can do to prevent money issues from blowing down their love nest. Most of the advice in that article was good, but after thirty years of working with couples around the issues of money and marriage I’d like to add some of my own advice. And please TAKE IT! This is a win/win: if you don’t screw up the money part of your marriage, you will end up both rich AND in love. What could be better than that!
1. CASH IS KING. There is no good way to say this so I’ll just come right out with it: save or else. The happy marriage is one with money in the bank. The doomed marriage is one where the debts pile up.
Here’s what you do. Start from where you want to end up. First, how much will you need to have when you retire? These days you can’t count on a pension or Social Security to get you through your retirement years. AARP has a good retirement planning calculator but there are many others.
I know what you’re thinking: “I’m only 30!! What does this have to do with me??” A lot. If you don’t deal with it now it will catch up with you fast. Plus the younger you are when you start the easier it will be to have a comfortable retirement. Just remember: there is nothing, NOTHING worse than being broke when you’re old.
But retirement isn’t your only goal. What about saving for the down payment on a house? There are plenty of other reasons to save.
Add all this up and you will get your savings goal. THIS IS YOUR FIRST PRIORITY. And if you have credit card debt, make reducing that part of your plan.
Why do I emphasize saving money? It’s because that’s where the greatest possibility for happiness and the greatest risk of pain and misery come in.
2. BUDGETS ARE BETTER THAN FUSS BUDGETS. When you add up your savings need and your necessary expenses (rent or mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.), whatever you have left, if anything, is money you can have fun with: vacations, toys, etc. If there is nothing left, you have three choices. 1) Have less fun. 2) Make more money. Or 3) Cut back on your expenses. THERE IS NO OTHER GOOD CHOICE.
And if your partner won’t do this, bring in an advisor to read him or her the riot act. If he still won’t do it, see if you can become the financial czar of the family. More than one marriage has been saved by having the prudent one be in charge of the finances.
3. YOU SLEEP TOGETHER; YOUR MONEY SHOULDN’T. Intimacy is great. And nothing helps intimacy more than keeping your money separate. Separate savings. Separate checking. Separate bill-paying responsibilities. But one thoroughly discussed, well thought out plan for what you’re going to do with your money.
If you make similar amounts of money, then just decide who pays for what, including of course savings.
If your incomes are very unequal, adjust accordingly, but make sure that the person without much money of his or her own has a fixed allowance to pay for his or her expenses. That way there is no begging for money.
4. INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE. Spend time together every day. Have a date night every week. Once a month have an overnight together. There are plenty more tips in our book The Weekend Marriage. It’s pretty simple. if you don’t take care of your marriage, it will die. If you do take care, it will be with you forever.
This is just scratching the surface. Please let me hear from you. What financial issues have plagued your marriage? How have you handled them? Where do you need help with the marriage/money mix?
If I get a lot of good questions from you, I’ll do a series where I answer them all. And send you on your way to love and prosperity.
