Opposites attract, but they make bad marriages
by Mira on September 13th, 2008 It’s dangerous to think of your spouse as being an alien creature. Easy, but dangerous. And now we now know it’s not even true.
Take me and my husband.
He watches football. I hate football. He burps. I do too, but I try to hide it. He can tolerate a level of dirt and disorder that makes me crazy. He’s a man. I’m a woman.
We’re total opposites, right?
So we are told. And so many of believe, and enjoy believing.
We’re in good company. Comedians and cracker-barrel philosophers for the past twenty-five years have made good livings going on and on about how men and women are sooooooooooooo different.
It’s fun. Just two questions. Is it true? And is it helpful?
Well, I’m here to say it is neither true nor helpful.
Let me, if you’ll excuse the expression, explain.
Look, I know about the obvious differences. Duh. But if we could just open our minds to what really is true instead of what we by habit assume is true we just might make our lives a lot better.
In the last few years, new data have been mounting that show that the much touted male/female differences aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
Let’s start with our heads and move on to our hearts.
A recent New York Times story shows that the old idea that boys are better than girls at math is just, well, wrong. In fact, when boys and girls get the same education, girls do just as well on achievement tests as boys do.
Now for our hearts. It is “well known” that women live for relationships and love to nurture and men prefer to sit in caves and punch each other in the shoulders. Right? Wrong.
A recent study that looked at 27,000 men from eight countries (Germany, U.S., U.K., Spain, Brazil, Mexico, Italy and France) found something surprising: “Regardless of age or nationality, the men more frequently ranked good health, harmonious family life and good relationships with their wife or partner as more important to their quality of life than material, self-fulfilling or purely sexual concerns.”
Yup. That’s right. When you ask men about what really matters to them, they will basically tell you they are just like the stereotype we have of women.
I could go on and on, but I won’t bore you. These two studies are just the tip of iceberg. When you get behind the comedy routines, the anatomical differences, and the roles we have all learned to play so well, men and women are surprising similar. Much more similar than we are different.
We both want to do things that make us feel good about ourselves. We both want to be close to the people we care about. We both cry at things we find sad, and we both like to be with people with whom we can share a good laugh. We’re both good at being loving parents.
And we may be good or bad at math, but it’s not because of our genitalia. It’s just because of who we are.
AND THIS IS GOOD NEWS.
Why? Remember when you were first falling in love with your mate? There was a little phrase you used over and over. “Me too!” And what a joy it was to look into the eyes of your partner and find that, beneath the superficial differences, you were actually soul mates. You shared the same joys and sorrows. You both hated Chinese movies and French food…or was it French movies and Chinese food. You both had dogs that died when you were kids, and when that happened you both cried. You were both horny for each other and you both enjoyed feeling that the other really loved you.
And the thing is that I know as a long-time couples therapist that this soulmates-under-the-skin kind of thing helps keep marriages alive and healthy. When a couple starts to make a big deal about how different they are from another, especially when they make a big deal about how it is based on seemingly immutable male/female differences, that couple is in trouble.
So who are you to each other? Soulmates? Or aliens? How you answer that question makes a big difference.
I just hope you will take another look and check out how truly similar you really are. It just might save your marriage.
Now I’d love to hear from you about this. I know I am introducing what will seem like a new thought to some of you. But of course I hope you will agree with me. If so, let me know. But if you don’t, I’d love to hear why.
