THE CHESTNUT HILL INSTITUTE

Ken doll in lust?  That’s what New York Times columnist Gail Collins called John Edwards in her op-ed piece today.  Randy, empty, silly, plastic.  A human zero.   But what’s  the truth? 

It’s hard not to engage in knee-jerk judgmentalism.  After all, on the face of it, former Senator and former Presidential candidate John Edwards is now a candidate for an historical, world-wide office: Greatest Sleazebag of All Time.  He has just admitted that in 2006, while his wife Elizabeth’s recurrent cancer was temporarily in remission, he had an affair with what the Times called “a novice filmmaker.” 

John Edwards made the usual move in the interview in which he made his admission.  He took full responsibility.  This is, of course, a meaningless cliché. 

Then Edwards played a card new to these kinds of public psychodramas.  He referred to “an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe that you can do whatever you want.”  But this thoughtless psychologizing is just more of usual notion of “I’ll condemn myself to de-fuse your condemnation of me.”  It’s a version, in other words, of “Shut up and stop yelling at me.”  I’ve seen in hundreds of times with my patients: the facile self-criticism that’s really designed to prevent, not facilitate, the necessary but difficult working out of the real issues, and the real pain. 

It’s hard to blame someone for judging John Edwards.  Cheating on your spouse while she is hopefully recovering from cancer?!?!?  When a person’s need for support is absolutely crucial?  When the will to live really matters?  What could be worse than infidelity like this?

A lot of people are going to wonder what I have to say about this.  After all, many who didn’t actually read my new book When Good People Have Affairs  thought I was excusing them, even approving of them.  But of course I said no such thing. 

So this is a good opportunity to make some something clear.  Affairs cause a lot of pain and do a lot of damage.  That’s why I say, DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR.  Period. 

But that’s not all I have to say.  The real question is, is John Edwards an irredeemable, unreachable sleazebag? 

I DON’T KNOW!   And neither do you. 

I don’t have the luxury of judging.  What I have to ask myself is, what would I do if John and Elizabeth Edwards showed up in my consulting room?  Would I sit there calling him names?  Of course not, although I might demand that he listen to Elizabeth pour out her rage and shame and despair.

No, my job would be to treat them and their marriage as victims of a terrible accident.  Yes, their marriage is wounded and bloody, but does that mean it can’t be healed?  I DON’T KNOW.  I know that healing is possible, but I don’t yet know what kind of healing is needed. 

The truth is that I have seen my share of irredeemable sleazebags, but I have also seen my share of cheaters who were so mortified by the pain they’d caused someone they loved, so afraid of losing their marriage, that they were willing to do whatever it took to heal their relationship.  And they did.  And the marriage was saved.  And the cheater found redemption.  And the people were, eventually, happy. 

There are also, sadly, people who are trapped in dead marriages and don’t know what to do or where to turn.  Was this John Edwards’ situation?  Maybe, but I DON’T KNOW.

And to figure all this out, you have to understand why the affair happened.  This understanding isn’t an excuse.  As a therapist, not a judge, I know that a couple needs understanding if they are ever going to find their way back to each other or find the clarity about what to do with their lives that they were searching for. 

There are, as I show in my book, seventeen different reasons why people have affairs.  Check it out.  Somewhere in these reasons, and in a couple’s love for each other, is the hope that a basis for healing can be found.  At a minimum I always have the hope that I can help heal their lives as individuals.

So call John Edwards a sleazebag if you want.  But it’s easy to indulge in the ignorant luxury of condemning people we don’t know. 

Me, I’m just a humble clinician.  My job is helping people, not throwing brickbats at them.  If people come to me for help, I have to create an atmosphere in which healing can happen.  And so here’s my advice to you:  if a friend or family member finds themselves in the Edwards’ situation and asks for YOUR help, be supportive and offer to help them heal.  Listen to them, and encourage them to listen to each other.  Whenever you hear clichés, ask for the truth.  And remember that the truth searches out not just the feelings of the moment but the depth of our needs and the width of our lives. 

It’s healing, not harsh blind judgment, that this sore world needs more of.

What about you?  I want to hear from you if you’ve ever been in this situation, if you’ve ever been the sleazebag or had the misfortune to be married to one.  I PARTICULARLY  want to hear from you if you in spite of that you managed to find a way to save your marriage.  And if you came to the conclusion that the other person really was a sleazebag, how did you come to that realization?  Personally, I’ve found that you can only answer this question if the attempt to heal fails.  Is that what you’ve found? 

Posted: Saturday, August 9th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Category: Relationships, News & Notes
Author: Mira
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