THE CHESTNUT HILL INSTITUTE

(This is the first of a series of blogs on affairs: why they happen, and what to do if you’re at any point in a love triangle.) 

“I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that we had a happy marriage, that my husband was a good man, and that he would never cheat on me.  Never.”  Janice was an attractive woman in her late thirties.  “So when I found those emails on his computer (I wasn’t snooping, honestly; he asked me to do some work for him and they were just there), I was devastated.  I was physically sick.  It was like every time I thought about it was like a kick in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  It was so humiliating.  Things like this don’t happen to people like me.” 

But of course affairs can happen to anybody.  There is a 40 to 50% chance that a person will be affected by an affair over his or her life.  If this were a disease, it would be the most common painful, life-altering disease we know about.

Now here’s what Janice’s husband Bill had to say.  “Look, I know I did this.  No one was holding a gun to my head.  But here’s what people don’t understand.  Janice thinks we had this perfect marriage.  We didn’t.  There was so much missing.  Janice was a great mother, she took care of things really well, but she wasn’t warm.  She just wasn’t.  We talked about it and her answer was always that I was unrealistic.  And I thought, maybe.  But maybe not.  I hadn’t had a lot of experience with women.  Maybe there was somebody out there who could really be warm and affectionate.  I wasn’t looking for it.  But I needed it…  The thing is that now I feel so guilty.  I know this means I’m supposed to be a bad person, but I just not.  I know I’m not.  I was desperate and lonely, and I was just doing the best I could.  Now I just want to figure out how to be fair to everyone.” 

Is Bill lying?  Can good people cheat? 

For years I thought, no, if you cheat you’re a bum.  Period.  But years of work with people caught up in affairs has taught me something.  Can good people cheat?  You bet.  In fact, about 85% of cheaters are good people who are doing the best they can to cope with a very difficult situation.  And they really do want what’s fair for everyone. 

And they can get it.  I come here to bring good news.  Yes, affairs suck for everybody involved.  But help is possible.  If you’re the cheater, you don’t have to stay confused and desperate.  I know you want to be fair to your spouse, your kids, your lover, and yourself.  You want to be able to sort out a dangerous and confusing situation.  And you WILL be able to find a way to see what’s best for everyone and do it.  If you need to go back to your spouse, and most of the time that’s what’s best, you’ll get suggestions for how to do that, for how you can minimize the damage and accelerate the healing. 

And I know that marriages CAN heal when there is an affair. 

If you are the spouse, I have good news for you too.  I can’t promise that your marriage will remain intact, but I can show you how to avoid making terrible mistakes, how to understand what’s going on, and how to get your needs met. 

All this is based on my thirty years of unparalleled experience working with people who are caught up in an affair.  This experience is captured in my new book: WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships.  Whether you are the cheater, the cheatee, or the “other” woman or man, you need to read this book. 

But you should stay tuned here to read my upcoming blogs on this fascinating and complex issue.  You’ll get a lot of help and insight.  Next blog: What to do when you find your spouse has been cheating on you. 

I need your help too.  If you’ve have ever been involved in an affair in any way, especially if you’re going through it now, let me hear from you.  What helped you?  What do you wish you’d done differently?  What did you do that you’re glad you did? 

Believe me, your stories will help a lot of people. 

I look forward to sharing this series of blogs with you.  This is a first.  We just might make history. 

Posted: Monday, May 19th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Category: Relationships, News & Notes, Emotional Energy, Decision Making
Author: Mira and Charles
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