Obsessing about a partner’s sexual past
by Mira and Charles on January 27th, 2012What’s wrong with this picture?
Here’s the latest in our ripped-from-the-headlines series. I (Charles!) was interviewed by Tracy Clark-Flory, an ace reporter for Salon, for a piece about a man who said he was fixated on his wife’s sexual history. Who’s fault was it? And was it normal?
The piece just appeared this morning. Check it out! What do you think? Do you have any comments about my advice compared to the other experts’ advice? I’d love to hear.
Also, because I think you might find it interesting, here is the raw answer I gave to Tracy’s questions. Tracy gave an excellent and quite fair version of what I said, but the full version is worth reading:
In real life my advice would depend on what’s really going on here. Some possibilities:
1. This guy is an obsessive. So, duh, he obsesses! In which case it’s obsessing as a pattern, not this particular object of obsession, that’s the problem.
2. After 25 years, their sex lives—so clearly in need of spicing up from the beginning—are developing rigor mortis, and his re-opening this can of worms is the best way he knows how to wake things up in bed. Hey, it worked in the past!
3. For some reason, trust issues have reared their ugly head. He may not be paranoid: his wife may really be giving him reason to mistrust her. Maybe these are reasons for mistrust he can barely articulate, but they’re there. And why not: they both have a history of being betrayers.
But without knowing more about these guys, I’d have to say, dude, your problem isn’t not knowing why you’re obsessing. It’s the obsessing itself. (One actually helpful thing here is your wife’s not wanting to talk about this stuff anymore!) So come on: what is it you really want? Better sex? More closeness? More trust? Any of these could make you happy. But satisfying your obsession will only stimulate the very itch that’s making you miserable. If you focus on your real needs, and work with your partner to get them met, AND keep telling yourself that your obsession is just a sinkhole of misery, you’ll do fine.
Again, what do you think?
Finally, and this is HUGE, the publication date for I Love You but I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship is fast approaching. Order your copy NOW!
