Trust took a big hit in America yesterday.

Let’s be honest: this affects all of us. Forget the political scandal: the hypocrisy of a crime-fighting, clean-as-a-whistle governor of New York getting caught visiting prostitutes whose services went for up to $5,500 an hour. This kind of thing has happened many times before. Gov. Spitzer has  resigned, it’s not over.  And make no mistake, this affects us personally, particularly if you’re a woman. Surely, we all think, a man like that with three daughters, 12, 14, and 17, and a beautiful wife and an important career to protect wouldn’t fool around with hookers, even high-class ones. And yet, here was Mr. Clean caught doing something stupid and sleazy. How can we not look at our husbands and boyfriends and wonder… How do we know they’re not up to the same tricks? How can we know our guy is better than this? Today it is just a little harder to trust the men in our lives. And that’s sad.

Then my husband told me about how this affects him. He teaches a graduate course in which the majority of the students are women. He is going to stand before them and, he wonders, what will they be thinking? Will it be, “Men, they’re all the same. This guy seems so nice and everything, but who knows?” It’s that “Who knows?” that my husband will see in the eyes of all the women he talks to now.

So in a sad but real way, we’re all diminished or tainted by this, like a car that drives through a big puddle of dirty water and splatters everyone on the sidewalk with it.

What was your reaction when you heard the news? If you weren’t surprised, how sad. None of us want to think that men are pigs. Men have mothers and wives and sisters and daughters who deeply want to believe in them.

If you were surprised, well, that’s sad too, because now your view of things has changed.

How should we think about what happened?

I beg you: don’t judge. You just don’t know what’s going on. Only Gov. and Mrs. Spitzer do. But I’ve worked with families like that. There are a lot of possibilities.

It’s quite possible that the Spitzers had an active and pleasurable sex life. Then why would he go and do something like this. I know the answer but you won’t like it. The real answer is that sometimes sex at home is great and the guy just wants something else. I don’t know what, but I do know that there are prostitutes ready and willing to offer it.

If this is the case here, how sad for Mrs. Spitzer. She has given everything she has to give and she has now been told it is not enough. I’ll tell you this: there are millions of women in that boat.

It’s also possible that there was something seriously missing in their sex life, that they’d fought, and struggled, and cried over it, and that this was the best way he knew how to solve his problem. Yes, what he did was stupid, but to judge him until you’ve lived his life and suffered through what they both struggled through, you just don’t know.

There’s another possibility. Yes, they looked like this golden couple, but maybe their sex life, maybe their whole marriage, has been over for a long time. Maybe Mrs. Spitzer cut him loose a long time ago. Maybe she’s just mad that he got caught.

You just don’t know. Please don’t judge.

But this also means we have to stop judging ourselves. And we do that all the time. There are all these golden couples. You see them on TV, at church, in your neighborhoods. Oh, how wonderful their life must be, you say. Well, now of all times, please stop saying that. Unless you know someone’s life from the inside, and you don’t know anyone’s life from the inside, you can’t say how golden or tarnished it is. We know how messy our own lives are on the inside, of course. So let’s stop making false idols. Just assume that everyone else’s life is AT LEAST as messy on this inside as yours.

At least you’ll never be surprised or disappointed. Need heroes? Live a good life and be your own hero. At least you know you have clay feet.

What do you do now?

News events aren’t supposed to give us homework. But this one does.

If you’re a guy, I gotta say, please, just don’t do this. I understand the temptation. But think of what this is doing to Spitzer’s daughters. This will be in their heads for the rest of their lives. It will infect their ability to trust the men in their lives. Their dad will never be the same to them.

And this could very well end the Spitzer marriage, never mind his governorship.

And then there is the real possibility of bringing home a disease. High-priced call girls aren’t “clean” just because they’re expensive. Doctor’s offices are filled with men who’ve gotten a disease from an expensive prostitute, or with women who gotten a disease from their husband.

And no matter what else, the hurt never goes away.

If you’re confused about this, or if you’re going through it, please read my forthcoming book WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS. (And remember, it’s still cheating, even if it’s with a prostitute.) This book will help you sort out the issues you’re dealing with and figure out what’s best for everybody.

And what if your marriage is already shaky? The most important decision you have to make is whether to stay or leave. You can be OK either way, but staying up in the air is draining and will just make things worse. So you have to figure this out, one way or another. And the very best took for doing so is my TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY.

And then you may need to work on your relationship. So do it. One thing is for sure. You’ll be sorry if you wait. It is far, far better to solve your problems before some affair makes things that much worse.

And if you have had an affair? Marriages can recover from that. Not every car that gets into an accident is totaled. But it takes work.

As for how to rebuild trust once it’s been damaged, stay tuned. I’ll blog about that soon.

So that’s it. Pray for the Spitzers. Pray for your selves. If you judge anyone, judge yourselves. But don’t beat yourselves up. Just don’t make things worse. Work to make things better. It’s worth it. For most of us, the story of our lives is the story of love in our lives.

Posted: Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Category: Relationships, News & Notes, Decision Making
Author: Mira
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