Secrets, lies, and love
by Mira and Charles on September 10th, 2011Cheating is one thing, lying is another
OK, folks, here it is: the latest in our Ripped from the Headlines series. This time we were interviewed for a large publication. Here’s the raw, unedited interview:
1. If a woman cheats on her husband or boyfriend, why should she keep it a secret? (Or in what circumstances?)
Answer: OK, let’s lay it all out. a) You shouldn’t cheat! b) If you do get into another relationship, you are in a danger zone and need to choose fast: to stop cheating and recommit to your primary relationship or to end your primary relationship. c) If you realize that you want to recommit to your primary relationship, end the affair and don’t talk about it. Talking about it will just make healing your primary relationship that much harder.
2. Why should she come clean? (Or in what circumstances?)
Answer: Once she has recommitted to her primary relationship, she should only come clean if there’s a chance that her guy will find out about it. Just don’t kid yourself: these things are more likely to come out than we think. And why keep silent about an affair that’s over? Experience has shown us over and over that confessing a previous affair seriously damages an already fragile relationship, with little if any benefit.
3. In our poll, the number one reason women reported cheating was because they were bored with their relationship. What are some new, creative ways to keep things exciting?
Answer: People often make a mistake here. They think that “keeping things exciting” means experimenting in the bedroom. But the bedroom is too small a focus. Couples who are successful at keeping things exciting focus on two areas: a) They make their LIVES more exciting. A good way to think about this is to do one huge new or exciting thing every year, one big new or exciting thing every month, and one small new or exciting thing every week. b) They add as much affection into their relationship as they can. An exciting life together plus an affectionate relationship is almost guaranteed to prevent the need to cheat.
4. Turning to men who cheat, what are a few (say three or four) signs that he may be cheating? (I’d love to get ones that most people don’t recognize as signs.)
Answer: The most telling and reliable sign is separate lives. The more your lives are separate—time apart, different activities, different friends, little real connection between you—the greater the risk of cheating. The next best sign is a feeling: the feeling that his head just isn’t in the game with you, that there’s something else going on. Another good sign is that he’s angry with you a lot. But let me be clear: these are just signs that something MAY be going on. There is NO infallible sign of cheating and that’s important: too often women delude themselves into thinking “I would just know.” That’s not true. But these signs point to the need to be extra vigilant.
5. Last, do you have any stats on how many male cheaters don’t change—that is, they cheat again? If you don’t it’s OK. I’m looking around.
Answer: Somewhere between 15 and 20 percent of cheaters just won’t change. They may be sorry they were caught, but they’re not sorry for cheating. And if they act sorry, it’s just to get you off their back.
For more information on what’s really going on in an affair, and what the best way to handle it is, check out our book When Good People Have Affairs. When you read it, you may understand why it has so many 5-star reviews on Amazon.
