The secret of getting closer to the one you love
by Mira on February 3rd, 2008Do you want to understand why your relationship isn’t feeling as good as you’d like it to feel? Here’s a likely culprit. Your relationship may have come down with the most common relationship disease there is. What is that disease? And how can you cure it?
The disease is called “The Distance Spiral.” Here’s how it works.
Al and Ann are in a relationship. Things have been okay. One day, though, Al comes home grumpy because he’s been having problems at work. Totally normal, right? Ann tries to cheer Al up, but he just bristles. It’s not personal, but Ann doesn’t know that. She feels hurt.
So what does Ann do? She does what most of us do: she pulls back and cools off. If Al wants to make love that night, he’s just not going to get lucky. So he feels rebuffed.
The next day there’s a chill. If they should have a little spat in the morning, the way normal couples do from time to time, the spat is a little more angry and hurtful than it might have been before.
Now both of them are caught in The Distance Spiral. They both feel hurt and wary. But here’s what really maintains it. Al is aware of his good intentions. He experiences Ann’s rejection and it seems unfair. But she experiences her own good intentions, and his rejection of her seems most unfair. This is what maintains The Distance Spiral.
Now here’s the most important thing. A Distance Spiral can start out of nothing. But it takes on a life of its own. Fear of being hurt, injured pride, and a sense of unfairness keep it going.
Here’s why it’s good to understand this. The Distance Spiral is a powerful force if you don’t understand that it’s happening to you. But it’s really a paper tiger.
If you can simply acknowledge that The Distance Spiral is what you’re caught up in, then here’s what you get:
1, You don’t have to blame each other any more. No one’s the bad guy. You’re both hurt and scared, and you’re both caught in a mechanism that can make it hard to pull yourself out of it if you don’t realize that it’s happening.
2. The solution is amazingly clear. You kill The Distance Spiral the minute one of you (it doesn’t matter who, so why shouldn’t it be you!) gives the other what you’ve both been longing for: an act of warmth, forgiveness, generosity, affection. I call this Distance Spiral-killing act A Free Gift of Love.
This Free Gift of Love has amazing powers. It can set in motion another spiral. An Intimacy Spiral, where you can get closer and more affectionate again just the way you did when you were falling in love. Your small act of affection can melt your partner so he does something affectionate in response, and then you’re both off and running.
One little caution. You know how when you try to start a car on a cold winter morning it might not start the first time you turn the key? Well, it’s the same thing with The Free Gift of Love. It might not melt everything right away. But try again. Keep trying. What does it cost you, after all? You’ve been hurt and you’re distant, but you still love each other. And after all, there is some hurt and fear to melt.
But if you persist a little, the Free Gift of Love can’t fail. And the Intimacy Spiral it sets off is just as powerful and infinitely more welcome than the Distance Spiral you’ve been stuck in.
This is something most of us can do and need to do in our relationships.
Tell us about your experience with this. Are you caught in a Distance Spiral? Do you know how you got there?
Can you imagine using this Free Gift of Love to start an Intimacy Spiral? If you think you’ve tried this in the past and it’s failed, what do you think went wrong?
Most of all, try it now. And let us know what happens?
I hope to see some of you in my love and intimacy group on Revolution Health. Let me tell you a bit about it. It will provide support and invaluable suggestions for pulling our relationships out of the doldrums, putting the spark back in love, and fixing the most common relationship problems. Plus we’ll have a lot of fun and it could make all the difference for you! I hope you will check it out and join it.
