Welcome to the no-difference divorce
by Mira and Charles on September 1st, 2010A new phenomenon: the single-but-married woman
We’ve all heard of the no-fault divorce. Now there’s the no-difference divorce. This occurs when two people are so busy and their lives so disconnected that one partner starts feeling, “Hey, why not get divorced? It wouldn’t make a difference to how I live. There’d just be less aggravation.”
There is more and more of this going around. Think about it. With women marrying later and later, when they do get married a lot of women already have their strongest, deepest relationship with their girlfriends. They want to be married and they may want to have a baby, but do they really want a relationship with a man? And even if they might want such a relationship, is he available for it? Or is he too busy and too distracted? How can two people have a marriage when the only way they are on each other’s radar screens is when they annoy each other?
A prominent journalist asked me about this today. Here are her questions and my answers:
1) since writing The Weekend Marriage, have you noticed an increase in this phenomenon, in women carrying on a single lifestyle?
CHI: Two days ago a woman with 7-year-old twins told me this: “My husband just got a new job. When he was unemployed he was home. Now I never see him. And I’m thinking we should just break up now. Things were shaky before, but now that he’s never around it’s like I’m a single mom with an irritating guy who shows up from time to time. If I’m going to be living like a single mom anyway, why not dump the irritating guy?” This is just an example of an incredibly widespread aspect of our go-go lifestyle. Millions of women who see their husband rarely, and only when he is exhausted or stressed out, are starting more and more to see themselves as essentially single.
2) What factors do you think are behind it?
CHI: It takes more than a busy husband to create a single-but-married woman. (Or is that a married-but-single woman?) It’s his not being there emotionally. I’ve seen plenty of situations where really busy spouses still manage to stay in close touch, and not just to talk about calling the guy to clean the gutters. They exchange texts and phone calls like boyfriend and girlfriend, like people with a real relationship. And then there’s no one living like a single person. It’s the turning the relationship into a business partnership combined with not having much time that does the damage.
3) In the old days, as a married couple, you were a ‘unit’, and your first loyalty was to your spouse. Now, I suppose, we marry later, have a whole life style/support network etc very firmly established. We don’t know what we should give up - we don’t want to be a doormat or God forbid - ‘dependent’.. but SHOULD we be a little more dependent? Does a successful marriage require it?
CHI: I hate those words “needy” and “dependent.” There can certainly be a problem with being too clingy, but these days “dependent” is used mostly to keep the other person at arm’s length. In a healthy, vital relationship, people are close. The feeling of being in love lasts, and we all know that there is a lot of intimacy when people are in love. This is the kind of chemistry I talk about in my book Is He Mr. Right?
4) This may seem an odd question - but what are some of the warning bells that ring for you with clients when you feel their lives have become too separate (esp when you feel the woman is the one who is not prioritising) Can you think of any warning signs (lack of shared meals/ having to schedule each other in.. can you think of any other signs you look for which may suggest someone is still in a single mindset?
CHI: Here are some key danger signs:
Not seeking each other out when you have a moment to talk
Not having a strong emotional connection
Not being the person you want to tell things to that are close to your heart
Not really liking each other (it’s liking more than loving that’s the glue of marriage)
Spending time mostly with other people when you do have free time
Not enjoying being together when you have three days or a week when it’s just the two of you
Not having an answer when you’re asked what’s good about your marriage, or else responding by pointing to your house and your children and your lifestyle
5) What should you do if you are a woman reading this piece and recognise yourself in it? If you don’t see your husband enough, if you are always out, if your girlfriends are the ones you share your news with, never your husband.. How can you create a more healthy partnership/ marriage?
CHI: You have to go back to the roots of your relationship. Why were you together in the first place? Be honest! Was is just because he was good in bed and had a good job and you thought, good, he’s the guy I can have babies with? That is NOT a foundation for having a marriage. That’s just a having-babies partnership. And sometimes you see I-just-don’t-want-to-be-single partnerships. That’s not good either. For a marriage to be great and long lasting you need to be lovers and best friends. You have to be at the heart of each other’s emotional lives. There needs to be deep connection and you need to know what that deep connection is all about. You have to be people who really want to be with each other. Otherwise the marriage just won’t survive your time-starved lifestyle. For more on what you need to make staying worthwhile, check out my book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
