Before you cheat… Part 3
by Mira and Charles on August 25th, 2010Making sure an affair doesn’t ruin your life
We’ve gotten a lot of response to this little series so far. And based on what we’ve heard, it might be worth making something clear. The best thing to do is: Don’t cheat. It’s messy, hurtful, risky, and can leave a lot of bad feelings. But people will cheat. If every single religious teaching doesn’t work to stop it, this blog certainly won’t. So what we’re trying to do here is slow things down. If the word don’t doesn’t work (and it doesn’t), then maybe the words look before you leap will.
We’ve already talked about how people get in trouble by being too confident that their spouse won’t find out and, last time, about how to think clearly about the consequences. Now it’s time for you to examine your motives.
Why are you thinking of doing this? Look, when you do something that is a big deal like having an affair, you’re not just choosing the next step—say, a couple of nice hours with a semi-stranger or an old friend in a hotel room. You’re choosing all the things that follow from that step. All the worry, guilt, fear, and craziness that can and usually do come with it. And that’s a lot. So: what do you really want?
–Do you want to end your marriage? Yes? Really? Are you sure? OK, but if so, is having an affair the best next step? An affair can turn a stressful divorce into a psycho-nightmare from hell. Maybe—and this is just a thought—end the marriage first, and then have the other relationship with a clear conscience.
–Do you want to find something you can’t get at home? That’s understandable. But have you tried to work things out at home? I don’t just mean talking to your spouse. I don’t mean going to see any old lame marriage counselor. Working things out at home means going to a really good couples therapist and working hard on your issues. Look, if you had trouble walking, wouldn’t you go to the best physical therapist? Well, find a really good couples therapist for the stuck places in your marriage. It’s a lot better than a messy affair that blows up in your face.
–Do you want to discover what you might have been missing? This is one of the most common reasons for cheating. It’s quite understandable. Your marriage has grown stale. There are problems in it, and perhaps these are problems that you’ve worked hard to fix. And now you’re wondering, Is this all there is? Am I condemned to spend the rest of my life in this low level relationship? Well, an affair might give you the information you’re looking for. Maybe. But you have to beware. It may not be high quality information. It might, in fact, be highly distorted information. Lovers almost always seem better than they really are. They are bathed in a halo of hope and romance and freedom from everyday cares. Spouses carry a memory of disappointment and are always reminding us to call the plumber. But remember: lovers don’t stay lovers. If your marriage ends, the lover might not decide to go forward in a relationship with you. Or the lover might turn out to be just like your spouse.
Regret proof your decision. The best thing you can do, before you go ahead with that affair, is to work to make your marriage better. Really work. Find an excellent couples therapist, focus on the ways you’re stuck as a couple, and get some solutions. You’d be surprised at how effective the latest technology is for improving marriages. (This is the kind of work we do here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.) And if your marriage seems dead and gone after all that work, then you can pursue that other relationship. This requires time and patience, but you’re much, much less likely to make a mistake and do something you’ll regret. And if you go forward with a new relationship, you’ll do so with a clear conscience.
For more insights into all this, do check out When Good People Have Affairs.
And if you’re marriage seems iffy and you’re wondering whether to keep going with it or bail out, the classic book on this is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
