Before you cheat… Part 2
by Mira and Charles on August 23rd, 2010Making sure an affair doesn’t ruin your life
OK, here we go: more things to think about before you have that affair. We’re not saying no, don’t do it. That’s too easy. Instead, we’re saying, just make sure you don’t do something you’re going to regret. Big time. Look before you leap, and here are some things to look for. Last time, we talked about why you shouldn’t be so sure your spouse won’t find out. This time, let’s look at what will happen if your partner does find out, which is probably more likely than you think.
Are you prepared for all hell breaking loose? No, your spouse won’t just be upset. He or she will kick you out immediately. Or will leave you immediately. Or there will be months of harrowing pain and conflict and craziness, and then you’ll get kicked out. Or you will spend literally years talking and talking about your marriage, and in particular about how you screwed it up. Or you’ll stay in a marriage that has turned into a nightmare of hurt and anger that never heal. Or you’ll leave, go to your lover, and find out in six days or six years that he or she is an even bigger problem than your spouse ever was.
Don’t get me wrong: marriages can heal after one spouse cheats. Sometimes they can become better than ever. But it is risky and requires a lot of time and the most expert help.
And the lover can turn out to be better than the spouse. But that is less likely than you think, for one simple reason. An affair, because of our guilt, has a strange way of making spouses seem worse than they are—the worse think of our spouses, the less guilty we feel. And the romance surrounding the affair, plus the lack of a real-life context for the relationship, has a way of making the lover seem better than he or she really is.
So please, do not minimize the mess an affair will make in your life.
For more help, do check out When Good People Have Affairs.
Next time: taking a second look at your motives for having an affair.
