ADHD and marriage in perspective
by Mira and Charles on July 21st, 2010Attention deficit…what? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention
First comes marriage, then comes divorce, caused by ADHD of course.
Yes? Well, maybe. But let’s not be too quick. Tara Parker-Pope has another one of her always-excellent articles in the New York Times. The title of this new piece says it all: Attention Disorders Can Take a Toll on Marriage. And that’s certainly true. But is it the right perspective?
Not really. The article need three big additions.
First, as a practicing family therapist, I’ve had countless couples come to me with one partner saying all the problems are caused by the partner’s ADHD. I sent the partner for an evaluation by an Adult Attention Deficit Disorder specialist and in every single case was told that the person did NOT have AADD.
The point is that true AADD is much less common that we think. It’s way too easy to blame our relationship problems on a single diagnosis like this. I know what’s really going on here. The patients hope that a diagnosis means a pill and a pill means instant cure. Imagine: curing your marital woes by taking a pill!
But it just doesn’t work that way. It’s rarely, very rarely so easy.
Second, AADD is a way of somehow not being there in the marriage and the family. But there are lots of reasons for that. Sometimes people check out because they are really unhappy and don’t know how else to express it. Sometimes people are spoiled and immature. Sometimes they have something huge on their minds or in their hearts that claims all their attention.
There are many causes of distracted-seeming behavior other that AADD. The point it that the whole family context, including the spouse’s family, have to be looked at.
Third, ANYTHING that’s wrong with either partner will subject the marriage to great stress. Depression, anxiety, frequent chronic nosebleeds, you name it. I had one patient who wanted to kill her husband because when he ate and took the fork out of his mouth he scraped the fork against his teeth. Hey, snoring is a huge problem for marriage. A relatively minor difference in the meaning of the phrase “on time” can be a big love buster.
And by the way, attention surplus disorder can also be a big problem. The ability to concentrate extremely well can be very challenging for the other partner.
Bottom line: marriage is delicate and people are imperfect in all kinds of ways. This is a recipe for lots of misadventures.
To really help a marriage that’s in trouble, you have to look at the real reasons why it’s so fragile and at ALL the factors that stress it. Then you have to focus in on the factors MOST responsible for maintaining the difficulties.
And for that you want to seek help from someone experienced at looking widely and deeply at the possible causes of problems, not just at cause that right now happens to be fashionable.
A great book for helping you identify the most important causes of what’s wrong with your relationship is Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. And for broad-based, solution-focused one-on-one help, come work with us here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.
