Love! Passion! Possible disaster!!
by Mira and Charles on July 15th, 2010A journalist asks about true love
A writer for a very popular woman’s magazine has just asked some questions that get at how to sort out the difference between true love and the dangerous illusion of true love. I have to wonder if she is struggling with this in her own live. Possibly. We’ve all struggled with this at one time or another. Anyway, here are her questions, and our answers.
Q: Why does the grass always seems to be greener on the other side?
CHI: You married Joe because he was handsome, smart, and funny. How delightful life with him would be! Then you find that Joe is grumpy in the morning, exhausted after work, and a dirty fighter when you get into an argument. Then you see Sam, also handsome, smart, and funny. And you think, how nice it would be to be with Sam. Reality is always messy and imperfect. Everything comes with problems. The same with people we get involved with. So once you are in a relationship and are faced with those imperfections, the “grass on the other side” entices us because it doesn’t show its imperfections.
Q: How can we know if someone is “the one” for us?
CHI: Well, the best way to know is someone is right for you is to read Is He Mr. Right? All the answers are there. But here’s a short cut. Just think: what are the five things about someone you think will most give you happiness over the long haul. Then ask: do you have them now? Did you have them at the beginning? Do you still have them once the honeymoon phase is over? A yes to all three questions is a very good sign.
Q: Why is it, that someone can be perfect, but that I am not entirely happy with him?
CHI: Well, a Ferrari might be a perfect car, but if my driving life is mostly commuting in traffic and running back and forth to the store, then that perfect car might make me miserable. The point is that perfect in the abstract is very different from perfect for you. Remind me to tell you the story one day of The Man Who Ruined His Life Because He Only Dated Models.
Q: How do you handle fear of commitment?
CHI: Ask yourself, What are my three biggest needs and my three biggest fears about being in a relationship? Then give yourself six months to check out how this person checks out with respect to these needs and fears. Does it seem LIKELY that those needs would be met? Does it seem UNLIKELY that those fears would come true? If yes to both, then just suck it up and move forward. I’ve worked with so many people in this situation, and our work is mostly about this. Plus making sure you are honest with yourself about your needs and fears, and in how you assess the other person.
Q: What if someone becomes your best friend instead of the love of your life? Is it normal that the passion disappears?
CHI: First of all, the love of your life should be like a best friend to you. Otherwise your relationship is incredibly shallow. All the great sustained love affairs were between people who were also best friends. But of course if the love part goes away for some reason, and that does happen sometimes, then of course the passion will go too. OK, that’s too bad, but hey—you still have a good friend and now you can go on to find someone to be in love with.
Q: Who do you choose: your so-called best-friend (the one you have always been with) or the person you don’t know yet for a long time, but to whom your are completely attracted to. Is it normal we want to give up everything and make this radical, impulsive choice?
CHI: It is totally normal to want to give up everything because of an impulsive attraction to someone you don’t know very well. But it is also TOTALLY STUPID. The power of an attraction, no matter how intense, is no evidence whatsoever that that person is good for you or will make you happy. Some of the most horrible, destructive relationships in the world have started with massive attraction. After all, some of the foods we most want to eat, that most make our mouths water, are very bad for us. So what you do if you are head over heels about someone is to GIVE IT TIME before you make any life-changing decisions. Time for what? Time for you see what it is like to live with that person in an everyday life full of normal strains and pressures (and a long weekend away together doesn’t count). That’s when it’s OK to decide to commit. There is nothing worse than a relationship that has died because the passion couldn’t survive the strains and pressures of everyday life.
