THE CHESTNUT HILL INSTITUTE

All couples have problems. But how can you tell when those problems are just the normal stuff we all manage to live with, and when they’re signs of trouble?

We’ve learned something very important over the years we’ve worked with couples, something that means we now look at couples very differently if we want to figure out if a relationship can be saved.

We’ve learned that if you want to peer into the crystal ball and catch a glimpse at how much at risk a couple really is, the size or seriousness of their problem is not as good a predictor as you might think. Couples can come in throwing pots and pans at each other, figuratively speaking, and then end up healing completely and surprisingly quickly.

On the other hand, couples can come in complaining of nothing more than “we wish there was more oomph in our relationship” and never find their way back to each other.

So what is that X factor that makes all the difference? There are many things, but most important is their strengths. The true story of a relationship is written in the strengths of that relationship. The more strengths a couple has, and the greater those strengths, the more likely a couple is to weather the worst storm, just the way someone who’s young, healthy, and strong can have a terrible accident and yet rapidly have a full recovery. Without many strengths, though, it may not take much to push a relationship over the edge, just the way someone who’s frail and elderly can die after catching cold.

Don’t get us wrong. Strengths like these don’t by themselves solve a couple’s problems. But they do keep a relationship alive while the couple works on their problems, and they give a couple motivation to keep working. And that energy and good will is what makes all the difference.

So here’s a suggestion. Write down a list of what you think are the greatest strengths in your relationship.

What kinds of strengths should you consider?

1. Love (but you have to really feel it: I’m not talking about an abstract concept)

2. Having things you do in common that you both find satisfying (but they have to be things that you consistently participate in with each other)

3. Having a lot to talk about (but they have to be things you really enjoy talking about).

4. Having a good physical relationship.

5. Genuinely liking each other.

6. Sharing the same vision for how you want to live.

7. Feeling safe with the other person.

8. Feeling you can tell each other anything.

9. Truly respecting each other and feeling respected by the other.

10. Always being able to have fun when you’re together.

11. Being able to take very good care of each other.

One thing though. It’s great if you have wonderful kids, terrific friends, a beautiful house, things like that. These are all good things to have in your life. But they’re not strengths in your relationship. Relationship strengths are experiences you consistently have when it’s just the two of you.

I hope you find this helpful and that you will discover a lot when you’ve listed all your strengths. They are the foundation of your relationship. If you don’t have many of them, well, the strengths may still by there but they’ve gotten buried under the crap in your relationship. And if that’s the case, seek help before it’s too late.

Posted: Thursday, November 8th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Category: Relationships, Decision Making
Author: Mira and Charles
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