The secret of being a great parent
by Mira and Charles on June 30th, 2010Hey mom, dad: RELAX!
I just read an article that both had great advice for parents and helped them relax. You rarely find the two going together. Of course I thought the article was wonderful: I’d been saying the same thing for a long, long time. And now here was new evidence for this view of optimal parenting. So what is this great advice? Just bear with me for a moment.
About twenty-five years ago I was working with a couple who were tearing each other apart over how-to-parent issues. According to her, he was too strict, too demanding, too punishing. He said she was a softie, a pushover, an enabler of everything bad. It soon came clear what was at stake for them: the future of their three kids. Each believed the other would ruin their kids. The mom thought the dad would turn the kids into soulless automatons, emotionally crippled by the feeling of never having been loved. The dad thought the mom would turn the kids into spoiled brats, unable to work hard or contribute to society.
But who was right?
I knew this was such an important issue that I decided to spend a few days at the university library ransacking the research literature. Of course there were a bazillion articles showing how if you did this or that, then a year or so later the results would be something or other. Children who were spanked were more likely to be aggressive toward their classmates. Children who were read to were more likely to start reading earlier. Results like that. Results that talk about the difference you can make on how your kid is now.
And of course it is results like that that fuel a thousand parenting books. “Studies show…” say the authors.
But as I looked through the literature, I began to wonder, “OK, but where are the studies that show the impact of parenting style or tactic on how the kid actually turns out as an adult?
I mean, come on…who cares what the effect is now if there is no long-term effect? For example, I may want my kid to keep her room clean because it’s a pain for me to have to keep cleaning it up. But it’s a much bigger deal whether or not battling with my teen today will lead to her being a neat adult or a slob. The battles might be worth it if I knew they’d lead to her being a responsible adult. But if they turn out not to actually make any difference…? Then why fight?
As I kept ransacking the literature, it soon became clear that there were almost no good studies on how parenting affects the way kids turn out as adults. And the few good studies there were showed that there were no such effects. In other words, as far as researchers could tell, the things people did as parents had almost no effect on how their kids turned out.
So what did affect how kids turn out? Two things. Genes. And who the parents were as people: things like income, social class, literacy, education, physical and mental health, religion…things parents can’t really control. The rest is illusion. Delusion. A big fat waste of time.
And so when that couple came back into my office, I told them they could both relax. Neither was right because none of the things either one was talking about made any difference. So they could just do whatever they wanted and most of all enjoy their child and provide for it a happy atmosphere growing up.
Because, it turns out, that is the ONE thing that does make a difference later on: if a kid grows up in a happy, loving environment, with his share of good memories, then he will have those memories and will have a better relationship with his parents. And that better relationship will provide him with support and guidance during the adult years when we’re playing for keeps and when most of us need all the support and guidance we can get.
That was my advice then and that was the advice in the article I mentioned at the beginning of this blog: relax and create good memories. You really must read that article to see all the studies which have appeared that now provide new solid evidence for why the things we think will make a difference don’t and for why the relax, don’t worry approach is valid. (The author then goes on to make the point that with all this evidence you should feel free to have more kids, but we can ignore that!)
Of course that couple didn’t believe me. Many people don’t. Sigh. We all want to think that as parents we are wonder workers. But we put our message in our book Parent/Teen Breakthrough. And that book went on the win the Parents’ Choice Best Parenting Book of the Year Award when it came out. It has sold for years. We have gotten countless emails over the years from parents thanking us for saving their kids and their family.
I hope you will take this advice. I know: it’s not intuitive. But it is right. And it can make all the difference in how it feels to be in your family.
