Trust lost, trust regained
by Mira and Charles on June 18th, 2010Yes, marriages can heal after an affair
In a recent New York Times op-ed on no-fault divorce, relationship historian Stephanie Coontz casually mentioned that “there is growing evidence that marital counseling can repair some marriages even after infidelity.” And, we would add, after any kind of breech of trust.
We have in fact known what Coontz was saying for a long time. We have talked about it in a couple of our books, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and When Good People Have Affairs. But it is a big deal. In fact, it is worthy of a headline.
The fact that marriages can heal after an affair if they get help is big news for millions of people. We are all used to the idea that the discovery of an affair means the end of a marriage. It could end Sandra Bullock-style: you cheated, you’re toast. As simple as that. But we’re also aware of cases where even if the marriages goes on the relationship dies. Trust once broken can never be healed, we think.
It’s terribly discouraging. And that discouragement can be very destructive.
First of all, while affairs don’t happen every day, trust is continually being ruptured. Not because we’re bad but because we’re human. Marriage is a set up for broken trust. Just think about it. Marriage is the place where imperfect people bring unrealistic expectations. The bull doesn’t just get into the china shop; we bring it in.
And every time our hope that we can trust each other is disappointed, we immediately go to the feeling that we’re doomed. There may be no other area of life where we go faster from disappointment to doom.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Relationships run on hope. Hope creates energy, and that energy keeps the relationship alive. So no hope, no relationship.
And that’s why it is so important that we understand in our bones that betrayal is not the end any more than a broken leg means you can never walk again. If you engage in a healing process—and that usually means getting help and it certainly means not falling into a downward spiral of blame and anger and distance—there is every reason to think that your relationship will heal.
In fact, once you work on the issues in your relationship, it can be better than ever.
So if one of you is feeling betrayed for any reason, or if the evil seeds of mistrust have come between you, get help. You could come to us here at The Chestnut Hill Institute if you want. It’s what we do.
