“Do we need couples therapy?”: Guidelines
by Mira and Charles on November 5th, 2007Do you need to be in couples therapy? Yes, you do. Next question…
Okay. I’m sorry. I was kidding. The real answer is, Maybe, and quite possibly more than you realize.
Here’s the thing. Every experienced couples therapist will say the same thing: couples come into therapy far too late. By the time people seek help, problems have usually deepened and expanded and a lot of damage has usually been done.
So most couples need therapy a lot sooner than they think they do. But when is that exactly?
It’s normal for couples to fight and go through brief periods when they don’t get along. And no couple has a perfect relationship. But any ONE of the following is a definite sign that you should immediately seek out a couples therapist:
1. One of you has just found out that the other has had or is having an affair (and this includes emotional affairs).
2. You realize that “We always fight.”
3. You realize that “”We never talk.”
4. You realize that “We rarely make love anymore.”
5. For the last four weeks, you spent the majority of those days thinking that you’d rather not be with your partner.
6. You feel that you don’t like your partner anymore.
7. Your most common feeling towards your partner is resentment or disappointment.
Most couples seek help YEARS after these symptoms first appear. By then it’s often too late. But couples therapy these days is like cancer treatment. It’s very effective (and much less painful!) and has a high success rate if the problems are caught early.
So what do you do if you have one or more of these signs that you need to go into couples therapy?
Well, duh, you immediately get to work finding someone who can help you. Here’s the right way to find a great couples therapist for you:
Ask everyone you’re comfortable sharing this with for the name of a good couples therapist whose work they’re familiar with.
Friends and relatives are good people to ask because they’re likely to know someone they have first-hand experience with. But your doctor and your minister, priest, or rabbi are also good people to ask for a referral.
DON’T take the first name you’re given and start working with that person. INSTEAD, get as many names as you can and have one meeting with whichever person seems best. After that session, ask yourself and your partner if you both like, respect, and feel comfortable with that person. You don’t have to think she’s a genius, but it’s a huge mistake to go forward without that basic level of liking, respect, and comfort.
If you have that, make a commitment to really work with that person for three to six months. If you don’t have that, even if one of you doesn’t, look for someone else.
There are a lot of mediocre therapists out there, but a lot of great ones too. Seek and ye shall find. If you’re in the greater Boston area, or would like to work with one of us by phone, we’d love it if you’d contact us.
What else should you look for in a good couple’s therapist? You want someone you feel is fair and balanced towards both of you. You want someone who gets right down to work making suggestions. You want someone who gives you homework. And you want someone who seems to have common sense.
I’ll tell you this. If you go to couple’s therapy before things get too bad and if you’re patient about finding someone who’s right for you, you’ll say that this was the best investment of time and money that you could have made.
