Does love make you stupid? Part 2
by Mira and Charles on May 19th, 2010Journalist asks more questions about the falling-in-love stage
This is part two of a blog about falling in love that we started last time.
Q: Is there something about the time we live in that makes people want to dive into relationships (maybe because there are less obstacles)?
Mira: People have ALWAYS wanted to dive head first into relationships. When people first saw Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, they immediately recognized the diving-in-right-away phenomenon. That’s why they invented chaperones, who were a speed bump on the highway of love.
Q: What’s behind the desire to dive head-first into a relationship?
Mira: Part of it is the way we’re wired: we’re ravenous for a real, intense physical/emotional connection. So when it comes our way we want to gobble it up. The other part is that by moving fast we convince ourselves that the love is real. Slow love doesn’t feel like real love.
Q: Isn’t quick commitment also a form of fear of commitment? And can it even be a sign of borderline?
Mira: There is no telling what quick commitment is a sign of. It could be a sign that you’ve found somebody who’s just right for you. It could be a sign that you’re running away from someone who’s right for you. It could be anything.
Q: I understood that you think it’s not good to commit quickly, there should be lightness in the beginning of a relationship?
Mira: You can’t tell people there should be lightness at the beginning. That’s a stylistic difference about which people differ. But whether you’re hot and heavy or light at the beginning, you should avoid making a full commitment until after you’ve gone through the period where you start to get used to each other and your flaws start to come out.
Q: Do you think it’s important to set the foundation in the beginning?
Mira: You’re always setting the foundation at the beginning. You can’t help doing it. Everything you do is the foundation. The real question is: is the foundation real? Is it based on your both being who you really are or on whom you think the other wants you to be?
Q: You talk about chemistry, what should exist in this chemistry? (compatible values..?)
Mira: There are five dimensions of chemistry. Your relationship needs a passing grade in all five. 1) You feel that it is easy to connect and get close. 2) You feel safe with each other. 3) You have fun with each other. 4) You respect and feel respected by each other. 5) Your physical connection—hand holding, kissing, making love, the way the other looks and smells, all of it—feels right to you.
As I said in my previous blog, I know that millions of you are in new or sort-of-new relationships and are bedeviled by all kinds of confusion and dilemmas. And they all boil down to: Should I go forward with this relationship or not? The best help available on this issue is in Is He Mr. Right?, which will show you exactly how to decide whether to go forward or not.
If you’re in a more established relationship, then Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay will give the info you need to decide whether you’ll be better off staying or going.
