Searching for “Sorry!”
by Mira and Charles on May 12th, 2010Solving the male apology deficit: How to get a guy to apologize
A few days ago in a blog called Why do men hate to apologize? we tried to look under the hood of men’s seeming reluctance to apologize. (Of course it’s not even certain that men are reluctant to apologize: maybe they’re just pissed at being asked to apologize so often. But that’s another blog to come.) For now, let’s get practical. How do you get your guy to apologize?
Here’s what works best, and believe me we’ve tested all the alternatives. You get his attention, sit down next to him, and say quietly and softly, “I need to know you’re sorry for …” Then if all he says is, “I’m sorry,” you say very nicely, “I appreciate that, but why are you sorry? I need to know that you know what your part was in what happened.”
We’re not saying that will work perfectly. We’re just saying that’s what works best.
Because here’s the thing. When women get hurt, disappointed, offended, they too often respond in ways that seriously reduce the chances that they will get an apology.
Here’s the biggest mistake women make. Let me illustrate by putting you in the picture. Let’s say you were on line at the bank and you happened to take a step back and by accident you stepped with you high heel right on the foot of the woman behind you.
“Ouch,” she says.
“I’m so sorry,” you say.
Fine.
But suppose she said, instead of just ouch, “Owwww!!! What’s wrong with you? What were you thinking? Look at what you’ve done! How could you have done that? You jerk!!” And off she goes, yelling at you. In other words, suppose you felt her response to your accidentally stepping on her foot was totally disproportionate. Almost instantly, instead of feeling sorry, you’d feel dumped on. Instead of feeling, “Poor woman,” you’d be feeling, “Crazy bitch!”
And what would happen to your “I’m sorry”? It would be blown out like a candle.
Well, that’s what happens to most men. They are sorry. But the intensity of the woman’s upsetment seems so out of whack that the guy feels he has to defend his intention. Because clearly, it seems to him, she could only be going nuts like that if she were thinking it was his intention to inflict so much damage and pain.
So he starts defending his intention—“Look, I never meant to hurt you.”—instead of apologizing for his action, and she feels he is trying to put her in the wrong. And the two of you are off and running in a bitter fight.
So if you’ve been hurt, you have two choices.
You can take a nutty. And maybe that’s a good idea. Maybe that will scare his balls back into his body and he’ll never dare to do that again. Maybe. But he will certainly not apologize, certainly not in a way that makes you feel he means it. At best it will be one of those “I just want to get her off my back” apologies.
Or you can wait a bit and quietly say what we suggested: “I need to know you’re sorry for…”
It’s simple. People apologize when they feel badly and want to make amends. They do not apologize when they feel attacked. Understand that, and you’ll always get your apology.
For more help with all the issues that get tangled up with this, the best resource is Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. If the hurts have really built up and you can’t seem to get past them, we can help here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.
