Why do men hate to apologize?
by Mira and Charles on May 8th, 2010Solving the male apology deficit
Look, I’m not a big fan of making a big deal about male/female differences. We are much more similar than we are different. (More and more people are coming around to this view. Just today in an interview in today’s NYTimes magazine Martha Stewart said, “I don’t think in a male or female way. I don’t differentiate between male and female. I never have.”) But still, it seems to me that there is one area where men stand out: they don’t seem to like to apologize. Apologies for men are like male menstruation: a guy will bleed, but you have to force it out of them.
At least that is the way it seems. Has anyone ever counted? Maybe it only seems that way because women are always pointing out so many things for men to apologize for. Maybe men apologize a lot; they just have trouble getting ahead of the screw-up curve.
Anyway, on the assumption that men don’t apologize much, I’ve got three theories why this is so.
One is that guys just don’t apologize. It’s not in their culture. The way tossing your hair when you pick up a phone or touching someone you’re talking to on the arm isn’t part of guy culture.
The second possibility is that guys just don’t apologize to us women. And the reason for THAT is that the stuff we get mad about seems like silly girl stuff (”Why should I apologize for not calling? So I didn’t call. So what?”).
Finally, maybe it’s all our fault. (And if so, I’m sorry.) Guys don’t apologize because when they screw up we get SO bent out of shape, go SO ballistic, that the apology gets strangled in the cradle.
What do you think? Vote on your favorite of these three theories. Put forth your own theory.
And do you even agree? Do you think I’m right in the first place when I say that men apologize much less than women?
And here’s the $64 question: How do you get your guy to apologize?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this.
For some solutions to the whole apologize/need-to-apologize thing, check out Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. Solution central.
