Relationships today: the true story
by Mira and Charles on May 3rd, 2010A smart reporter asks some smart questions
Every once in a while we run into a really on-the-ball journalist who asks good questions, reminding us that the source of the best journalist is informed curiosity. This was one of those times.
Q: Do you think that nowadays people split up to soon? Why do you think that?
Mira: Some people split up too soon these day, no doubt about it. Their marriage could be saved if they found a good therapist. But plenty of people split up too late. Their marriage is dead and yet they stay together out of convenience, habit, fear, worry about the kids. But actually the most important fact is that people seek help too late. If only people sought and found competent help sooner, the divorce rate could be cut in half.
Q: When do you advice people to split up? Do you have some kind of checklist?
Mira: Well, I actually wrote the standard check list. It is my book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, which has been an international bestseller and provides 36 diagnostic questions any ONE of which can point to what is best for a person to do. And my book Is He Mr. Right? is a checklist of how to tell if someone you are getting to know is right for you.
Q: Because of the economical crises people tend to stay together even though they don’t love each other anymore. Is this a smart decision? Will time heal the relationship?
Mira: It can go either way. Sometimes couples think about splitting up because they think they have a wound that cannot heal—a betrayal, for example. But if they are forced to stay together, they find that the wound can heal, they can find forgiveness, and they can start feeling safe again. On the other hand, sometimes couples think about splitting up because there is no chemistry. Then it is a mistake to stay together. You can’t heal bad chemistry.
Q: Is every relationship doomed to get into a rut? How long does it take before it gets in to a rut? How can you prevent it?
Mira: Relationships don’t get into ruts. People get into ruts. Creative, alive, generous, flexible people who enjoy connecting with other, who are interested in others will stay out of deadly ruts. Having said all this, there is a tendency to drift towards ruts. Take sex. As time goes by, people figure out what works and what doesn’t. The stuff that doesn’t work tends to drop out. And so pretty soon a routine develops. But often what we call a routine is just what people have discovered that feels good, like having turkey for Thanksgiving in the
Q: Is it better for children if their parents stay together even though they don’t love each other any more?
Mira: Parents can rarely hide the fact that they have a dead loveless marriage. Now the BEST thing parents can do for kids is to show them, in front of the kids, that they are working on their marriage. That is great modeling. But if trying to make things better doesn’t work, then is it best for kids to see that their parents are people who cope, in this case by ending things in a way that is a lesson in how to do something difficult in a respectful way with full communication using constructive negotiating skills.
Q: What is the secret of a healthy relationship?
Mira: There is no one secret. The secrets are 1) sane people, 2) good people, 3) smart people, 4) having very good chemistry at the beginning, 5) lack of serious life stress, 6) time to be together, 7) not hurting each other, 
having something significant that connects you and doing that thing, 9) having fun together, and 10) liking each other.
Q: Do we expect too much of a relationship? Is it just not that fun after all?
Mira: Fun people have fun. Non-fun people don’t. You can’t expect too much of a relationship if you have the right chemistry. But you do need a full and healthy life outside of the relationship, although it’s great if you are both somehow connected to your partner’s outside life.
Q: What is the influence of the media in our perception of relationships?
Mira: Mostly negative images, except for some unrealistically positive images.
Q: Why is everybody still looking for a partner? We don’t need them to pay the rent anymore and a relationship, turns out, is hard work.
Mira: Well, actually not everyone is looking for a partner. Many, many have either given up finding someone who is right for them or else have come to realize that they really like being single. But still I think most of us remember how some of our happiest times, the peak moments of our lives, took place with someone we were in love with. Many of us still want to feel that again. That’s why most of us continue to look for a partner in spite of everything.
