Real sane solutions for our real crazy go-go lives
by Mira and Charles on May 2nd, 2010The European press chimes in on our time-starved lifestyle
Think of it like this: If Europeans are suffering from working too hard and not having enough time for their relationships, then we must have it really bad. Well, they are. And so here are some quite intelligent questions from a Dutch reporter about this whole issue.
Q: Why do you think that making time for your relationship is the first thing that suffers when couples are under time pressure?
Mira: It’s sad but true: When human beings have a choice between paying attention to what’s urgent but not important or what’s important but not urgent, they always focus on what’s urgent. The really important things get pushed aside. This is true everywhere, but particularly in our daily lives. There are always 101 urgent little chores, activities, and details that rise up in our daily life to claim our attention. Bills that have to be paid. Shopping that has to be done. The morning rush to get out of the house, the evening chaos where you’re trying to put out a thousand fires carry you along like a riptide. Our busy lives are like a schoolyard bully who always demands our lunch money and always gets it. The only way our relationship needs become urgent is when we have a big fight. And that’s why couples often use anger and distress as a way of focusing attention on their relationship.
Q: What happens when people don’t make enough time for each other? Why does it ultimately lead to divorce?
Mira: Two hundred years ago, relationships were based on the idea of a practical partnership—people came together to have children and help each other with the practical chores and responsibilities of everyday life. Today, though, people come together because of romantic feelings. They enjoy being with each other and feel there’s something special in their connection. When the feelings go, the relationship goes. And it’s only spending time together—romantic time, fun time, intimate time, pleasurable time—that maintains those feelings. It’s simply a fact that if you try to put those special feelings on the shelf because you’re too busy for your relationship, you’ll find that when you finally come back to them they’ll have dried up. In addition, at every stage of a relationship there are always difficulties that inevitably lead to anger and disappointment. These don’t seem like such a big deal when they’re balanced by positive interactions. But when not having time for each other prevents you from having positive interactions, all that’s left are the negatives. This doesn’t always lead to divorce. Sometimes it just leads to distant, unhappy relationships. But when the feelings have gone, any stress or conflict can push the relationship into divorce because there are no positive feelings left for each other.
Q: Why do couples under time pressure fight when they have only a little bit of time for each other?
Mira: When a couple is under time pressure, unmet needs build up—personal needs, emotional needs, relationship needs. What happens with some couples is that Mary presents some need of hers to John. But it’s hard for him to respond—he’s so aware of his own unmet needs. He’s likely to respond to Mary in a way that makes her feel her need is unimportant to him. But in fact she has a lot of unmet needs too. She feels she’s been holding herself back from asking for all the things she needs. So she feels deeply insulted and rejected that John so easily dismissed her need. Then if he mentions a need of his, her sense of deprivation makes it hard for her to respond to his need with respect. And so they fight. This is one of the most common patterns with couples without time for each other. And here’s why this is so damaging. It takes at least three times as long to make up after a fight than to have the fight in the first place. So a two hour fight will take at least six hours to work through. But since you have such a little bit of time together, it could take six weeks to get that six hours. But after six weeks of feeling estranged, the distance between you can take on a life on its own.
Q. What is your most important advice for couples under time pressure?
Mira: Our time-starved lives hurt our relationships in so many ways. That’s why there’s not just one thing couples need to do to deal with the impact of time pressure on their relationship. But if you wanted one piece of advice it would be to understand and acknowledge that there’s an ecological disaster occurring right in the middle of your relationship. Your time-starved lifestyle can and will destroy your love if you don’t take it very seriously. Once couples take this advice, they’re motivated to do what’s necessary. And fortunately there’s a lot couples can do.
· Recharge your batteries before you spend time together. Being drained when you get together is a bad idea. But if you take a nap or a bath or a walk first, you have something to give and good things can happen.
· The power of STOP! Promise each other that the minute one of you senses that you’re headed towards a big, ugly, hard-to-heal fight, you say STOP, and you both stop talking and come back to the issue the next day when you’re calmer. It works like magic.
· One real connection a day. A real lifeline for couples is making sure they have one real connection every single day. It could be a long, tender kiss. Lying in each other’s arms. Asking how are you and then really listening to the answer. None of this has to take more than a couple of minutes. But it will keep your love alive.
· Custom-tailor your love. When you don’t have much time, the things you do have to really work. So don’t guess. Tell each other what makes you feel specially loved. Then make sure you do that every day.
· Use do-overs. Whenever one of you screws up, and you will, instead of getting into a big, time-wasting fight, one of you says, let’s do this over. Then it’s like rewinding the tape to just before you screwed up and doing it right this time. Imagine, you save your relationship and you save time.
Q: You say you have to schedule time for each other. But isn’t love about spontaneity?
Mira: Of course those wonderful, spontaneous interactions make love feel special and real. And of course you can’t plan them. But you can plan occasions when those spontaneous interactions can occur. When you were first getting to know each other, you called that ‘going on a date.’ Now that you’re in a committed, long-term relationship you can still have what I call planned spontaneity. You can schedule time together but leave what will happen when you’re together completely unplanned. Even if you schedule time to make love, how you make love can be completely spontaneous. Remember, with the way we live today, if you wait for things to happen spontaneously…well, you’ll never make love or have fun together or make time for each other.
Q: What should you do when partners differ in their need to spend time together?
Mira: Couples always get polarized: ‘You always want to spend every minute together.’ ‘You never want us to spend any time together.’ The first thing to do is to understand that your differences are probably not as great as they seem. The next thing is to sit down and talk about what would be a fair and realistic way for both of you to get your needs met.
Q: What do you think is quality time (is watching a movie together quality time, or should you have face-to-face interaction)?
Mira: There’s a big difference between time together that strengthens the relationship and time together that just grows out of being in a relationship. Watching a movie together of course can be very nice. But it can also be something couples do who aren’t getting along. Quality time is time you spend focusing on each other. That has to be the foundation of all the other time you spend together. But the bottom line is: whatever makes one of you feel close has to be in your repertoire of things to do.
The best book on all this is The Weekend Marriage. You’ll finds tons of practical help there designed and tested by people living the same crazy lives as you.
And if you’ve run into problems, there is fast-acting help in Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad.
If things have reached the point where you need one-on-one help, well our problem-solving, results-oriented approach here at The Chestnut Hill Institute will save you both time and money.
