The best ever secrets for lasting love
by Mira and Charles on April 27th, 2010The ultimate top 10 do’s and don’ts for having a happy marriage
We’ve been getting a lot of requests for us to post this list again. Great! Here it is:
If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom mirror. Then write down these 10 do’s and don’ts, tape them to the side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and you’ll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do’s and not do the don’ts, but that’s a mere detail.
You don’t have to be a genius or a saint for the two of you to stay happy with each other. You don’t have to be perfectly matched. Love is a strong, healthy force—you actually have to work to kill it. All you have to do to keep it alive is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it up too badly. And it will be there for you when you’re in the years to come.
Okay then, in no particular order, here are our ultimate, best ever, top 10 most important do’s and don’ts:
1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we’ve got to love them for that. That’s what a great, long-lasting marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.
2. DO really listen to each other. Making the other feel heard down to his or her very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things you can do. It’s not about being silent while the other person is talking, then saying, “Yes, but…” and immediately inserting your own opinion. Instead it’s about asking questions when the other person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around everything she feels about this issue.
3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are important. Say how much you’ve valued every little thing your partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.
4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right. Now it doesn’t matter what you do for fun—that’s different for everybody. But know what your fun things are and make sure you do them.
5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be in a relationship with you. Here’s an example. Think about how you must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you’re kind of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that’s not so fun? Be honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn’t just about coming home from work; it’s about all the other ways you are in your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner’s eyes, that’s just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn’t want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?
6. DON’T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn’t walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers, downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you want to get the heck away from.
7. DON’T live in the past. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t talk about the past. Look, I know you’ve both done things to hurt each other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.
8. DON’T deny your most important needs. When you identify which unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each other’s needs, love thrives. A caution: put out one need at a time; otherwise you tend to overwhelm the other.
9. DON’T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your relationship is like a fountain of youth. I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that’s important too. But just as important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing each other’s feet or shoulders. You should have some warm, meaningful physical contact every day.
10. DON’T forget to have a life. Yes, marriage plays a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it’s not everything. It certainly can’t give you what you can get for yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your marriage do more for you than it can, you’ll end up polluting it with your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your marriage, the two support each other.
Well, that’s what I believe. I’d love to hear what you think. What do’s or don’ts do you want to add to mine? Maybe your list is better than this. I’d love to find out. Let me hear from you. And if you don’t agree with any of mine, let me know that too. Also, vote for which of my top 10s you think is most important.
Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad will help you do this if you’re facing a roadblock. It will make it possible for you to zero in on just what the difficulty is and fix that. Imagine: you’ll save time and have your best shot at making your relationship better.
