What do you do with a cheater?
by Mira and Charles on April 26th, 2010Journalist asks about how to decide what to do if you’ve been cheated on
This was one of those situations where a journalist for a magazine for mostly younger women asks one simple but all-important question. In this case, the question was, “Do you stay in a relationship with someone after you find he’s cheated on you?” Here’s my answer:
OK, you found out your guy was cheating. Now you hate him. And some of your friends are telling you to dump the rat bastard. But you also love him. What do you do?
There are some key questions you’ve got to ask yourself. But be honest. Your future happiness is at stake!
Is he a quality guy? Other than this episode, have you seen that he has really good character, stays off drugs, treats his mother right, is honest with you? In other words, would you want him to be the father of the daughter you might have one day? If so, that’s good. But if there are other character flaws besides the cheating, then you’ve got yourself a loser and a user. Run from him.
Does he get what a big deal it is that he cheated on you? You need to feel absolutely sure that he GETS how much pain he’s caused. He can say he’s sorry but maybe all he’s really doing is managing you. But if you sense that he is really devastated when he sees how much pain you’re in, that’s a good sign.
Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make things right? Talk is cheap. But if he’s willing to listen for hours to your talking about how devastated you are, that’s a good sign. But if his great move is “I said I was sorry. Can’t we just put this behind us?” then he really doesn’t care about you. He just wants to be able to get away with what he can and pay the minimal price. Dump him.
Have you had a good relationship with him? If you’ve had a genuinely great relationship with this guy, if you really have fun together, if you feel he respects you for who you are right now, if you feel he supports what you’re trying to do with your life, if you love just hanging out with him, then that’s a good sign. But if you’re into this guy in spite of not having such a great relationship with him, this is the sign you were waiting for that it’s time to say bye-bye.
Here are some questions NOT to ask:
Do you love him? Sure you do. So what? Lots of women fall in love with losers. Your love is about your good heart; it has nothing to do with whether he’s a good guy or not.
Was he drunk? Oh, so he was drunk when he cheated. But wait a minute. Doesn’t that mean that he’s a cheater and a drunk? How does that help?
Did they actually have sex? Or was it just kissing? OK, sure, a peck on the cheek doesn’t mean anything. But even a meaningful kiss, with or without tongue, is cheating if it feels like cheating to you. Worrying about how far he actually went is just a way for him to lawyer out of taking blame. Don’t worry about where you should draw the line. Just trust how you feel.
For more help, check out our books Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and When Good People Have Affairs. You’ll find all the help you’re looking for.
