Internet dating LIARS
by Mira and Charles on April 23rd, 2010A journalist asks what to do when an internet date has lied
A guy I know—a good guy, a great guy—has recently started dating again after many years off the market. Here’s his report: “Everybody lies.” That’s it. Every woman he’s been out with (and, he assumes, every man these women have been out with) has perpetrated some sort of fib or fraud.
That makes this question from a journalist today so on point:
Q: The gist is: What should I do if I show up to an internet date and discover I’ve been misled—even lied to? Could be regarding age, height, whether the other person smokes or not—or could be bigger deceptions, like the pictures aren’t even that person’s (it happens), he/she’s not single, etc. Is it appropriate to walk out immediately, do you give this person the benefit of the doubt and/or a chance to explain, can any potential relationship be salvaged?
Mira: What you do is throw their drink in their face (why waste your own drink) and walk out. Immediately. We’ve got to stop this notion of sucking people in with lies in the hope that once they’ve committed an hour or a month or a year of their time they’ll be reluctant to leave. And of course that’s how it goes: when people invest time in something, they tend to hang on even when things don’t look so good.
The most important thing is this: if someone lies about who they are at a time in relationships when people are supposedly on their best behavior, just think of what they’ll do later!
The exception is judgment calls. If the other person has called himself “fit” on line and you see a little paunch, well maybe they’re fit and paunchy. But you’ve got to let go of the idea of giving an out and out liar the benefit of the doubt. What does that even mean? They said they were 40 and now you see they are clearly 50 if they’re a day. How do you give that the benefit of the doubt? Now if someone seems interesting and accomplished and happens to be unemployed, and is honest about it, you might want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But not a liar.
Because otherwise it’s not a relationship; it’s a mutual con job.
If you’re already in a relationship and you’re dealing with this issue, you’ve got to read the chapter on lying in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
And if you’re in a relationship where there has been lying and you’re trying to restore trust, please contact us here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.
