Can better sex prevent affairs?
by Mira and Charles on April 22nd, 2010What good sex is really all about: the latest interview
After Mira’s appearance on the Today Show, a lot of interview requests came in from various magazines and TV and radio outlets. And the funny thing about these interviews is that they all have a particular focus or point of view. Here’s one from a men’s magazine (not one of the sleazy ones). It came up in the context of affair prevention.
By the way: although this is written for men, everything here is just as useful for women. We’ve found that what works for men works for women too. We all want to be wanted, we all want our partners to care about what we need and how we feel. And we all want the trust that comes from feeling that the other person wants to understand us.
Now here’s the interview:
Q: Can a better sex life help prevent cheating?
Mira: Look, we’re talking about risk factors. An unsatisfying sexual relationship definitely increases the probability that a man or woman will cheat. One of the mysteries of why guys cheat on famous movie-star wives can be solved when you realize that some beautiful, sexy movie stars, just like everyday women, are not very sexual, not creative, not giving, not interested in sex. We can’t comment on patients past or present, but the most famous example of this is Marilyn Monroe, a sex fantasy for millions of men, but someone who was in fact “frigid” in the terminology of the day, someone for whom sex was something she was famous for but not good at. The point is that if things are cooking in the bedroom, people will be less likely to stray.
Q: Research indicates that when a woman’s ovulating, she’s more likely to have fantasies about other men. [Question for readers of this blog: Is this your experience?] We’re trying to come up with a way for our male readers to tap into those fantasies, and deliver to her what she’s secretly desiring (without outright role-playing or being a different guy). Could you comment on whether asking about, and then acting out, her fantasies will help bring her mind and attention back to her boyfriend? [And, presumably, prevent her from cheating.]
Mira: You have to be careful when it comes to fantasies. Maybe her fantasies work for her precisely because they’re so different from you. She wants you to be you and her fantasy men—Brad Pitt, Batman, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bilbo Baggins, whoever—to stay just as they are, and never the twain shall meet. Some women fantasize about rough sex, but it’s the last thing they want in an actual sexual encounter. Much better than opening the fantasy can of worms, which she probably doesn’t want to do and very likely won’t tell you the truth about, is to ask her about what she likes from YOU in bed: what she wants more of, what she wants less of, what she’d like you to do differently. And in that context you could certainly ask, “Is there anything from your fantasies that I could use or learn from?” If you listen to her answer to this, ask her follow-up questions and respond positively. Act on her suggestions. Then you will become one of her fantasy men, and you can’t ask for more than that.
Q: We’re thinking of suggesting that a cute, sexy, and less embarrassing way of asking about her fantasies is to leave her a voicemail in the morning, saying something like, “Hey sexy. I really want to do XYZ to you tonight because I know how much you usually love it…but I’d rather do exactly what you want, so if you have any other requests, text me to let me know throughout the day. My goal is your pleasure.” (or something perhaps a little less cheesy). I was wondering what you thought of that plan, why it might work (or might backfire), and if you don’t think it’s a good one, if you have any suggestions for other playful ways to encourage her to talk about her desires.
Mira: There’s nothing sexier or more attractive than simply and straightforwardly asking your woman what she likes. It’s your being really interested and open to what she wants that makes all the difference to her. And that includes asking her whether she likes getting teasing little anticipatory text messages from you or not. She might find it a turn on, or she might feel pressured. She might like anticipation (à la Carly Simon) or she might like surprises. The best time for you to talk to her about your sex life is when you are both in a good place and you have some time to get into specifics. The key is this: it’s not about managing her; it’s about getting close to her and treating her with respect and making her feel that you desire her. Everything else is just details.
Q: We often tell our readers that generosity and kindness outside of the bedroom will help their sex lives. I think it would be interesting to suggest to them that their generosity and kindness inside the bedroom will help their emotional relationships. I was wondering if you could comment on that.
Mira: Guys, women do NOT separate their sex lives from the rest of their lives with you. As some guru once said, it’s all one. One woman I know shocked her husband when she told him that a good sexual encounter with her began thirty-six hours before they actually made love, with a warm and friendly breakfast together, or time spent listening to each other talk about their problems. So a good connection leads to good sex. And it works the other way around: good sex leads to a good connection. It’s not about being a sexual athlete. But if a guy focuses on how she feels and what she needs and makes her feel like a princess in bed, it will totally affect how she feels about him the rest of the time. Just remember: everything’s connected.
If you’re sighing at this point and wishing you and your partner had a better sex life, there’s a wonderful chapter on this is Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. It will give you everything you need to quickly move your sexual relationship to a new level. But here’s a warning: there are not gimmicks. You will have to talk to each other. Sorry about that. But the book will guide you through it, and it will make all the difference. There is no other way.
April 22nd, 2010 at 8:57 am
Permit me to comment on one of our own blogs. Everything we said here is true, but we need to add this perspective: Not all affairs involve sex. Emotional affairs can be just as intense and destructive. And not all affairs involving sex are about sex. Sex may be something to do when you cheat, and it might be fun and satisfying, but it is usually NOT the point of the affair.