My Today Show segment: behind the scenes
by Mira and Charles on April 19th, 2010The story behind the story of my appearing on the Today Show
We’ve all seen those segments on morning talk shows, like the Today Show which I’ve been on four times now. There’s the expert, sitting opposite the host, and the host asks questions and the expert answers. But have you ever wondered just how these things are actually put together? Is it all just spontaneous, or what?
Well, these shows have learned something many of us have learned as well: When anybody, no matter how intelligent and articulate, just starts talking, problems can occur. If you would ever look at a transcript of someone just winging it…oh, my goodness. You’d find all kind of stammering, repetition, wandering around in circles, ahs and ums, and worst of all never quite nailing the point. And that’s with people who talk for a living!
So shows like the Today Show, to spare their guests embarrassment and spare their audiences frustration, work out talking points in advance. It’s not a script (as you’ll see!): the expert is certainly not reading from a teleprompter and can in fact say anything he or she wants. And the host can ask anything he or she wants. But the talking points provide a frame work.
And so here are the talking points for my (Mira’s) appearance on the Today Show yesterday (Sunday, April 18). But stay tuned to hear what actually happened.
–DO MARRIED MEN AND WOMEN HAVE AFFAIRS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS… ?
MK: Not so much. Out of all the countless people I’ve worked with, both men and woman go into affairs looking for sex, for affection, for ego boosting, for companionship, you name it. Gender differences are far less important than the different needs that drive individuals to stray.
–YOU SAY IT’S IMPORTANT FOR THE SPOUSE WHO IS HAVING THIS SECRET AFFAIR AND MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH IT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS MOTIVATING THIS AFFAIR. AND IN YOUR BOOK, YOU SAY THERE ARE 17 DIFFERENT TYPES OF AFFAIRS PEOPLE HAVE… LET’S TALK ABOUT A FEW OF THE MOST COMMON… FIRST IS THE “UNMET NEEDS AFFAIR” - WHAT IS THIS?
MK: Lots of people may love their spouse. They may not want a divorce. But they do have important needs that aren’t being met in their marriage. And they may not even be seeking an affair. But someone comes along who it turns out meets their need, and they get involved. What’s sad is that very often the spouse could meet those needs if only the couple had good professional help.
–AND TWO OTHER COMMON TYPES OF AFFAIRS ARE WHAT YOU CALL THE “SEE-IF AFFAIR” AND “THE EJECTOR-SEAT AFFAIR” — CAN YOU EXPLAIN?
MK: In a see-if affair, someone is trying to see if the grass is really greener on the other side. And what I’ve seen is that in a huge number of cases people see, oh, things really aren’t much better with the other person, and they quietly come back to their spouse. The ejector-seat affair is a whole other story: I’ve heard lots of people say, “If only my spouse would cheat on me, then I could divorce him.” Well, sometimes the spouse obliges! It’s the only way some people know to get out of a bad marriage.
–WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR THE SPOUSE WHO IS HAVING THE AFFAIR AND MIGHT BE STRUGGLING WITH WHETHER TO COME CLEAN AND TRY TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE…. OR LEAVE?
MK: If you’re having an affair, you’re skating on thin ice. This whole thing could blow up in your face any day now. You need to figure out FAST what you want. Remember: your spouse is probably better than you think, and your lover probably can’t live up to your expectations. If you decide to stay with your spouse, END the affair immediately and completely, and start working hard to improve you marriage. If you decide to divorce, before you pull the trigger on that decision make sure you regret-proof your decision by looking carefully into what things will be like afterward, and make sure you minimize the effects on your kids.
–AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE DISCOVERED THEIR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR… WHAT ADVISE DO YOU HAVE?
MK: Finding out your spouse has been cheating on you is so painful it can make you crazy. BUT: that’s exactly why you can’t make any decisions right now, either to stay or to leave. Affairs are the heart attacks of marriage. The only thing to do is to get the best professional help. You have to see if your partner can earn forgiveness. That requires hours of listening so you know he knows how devastating this has been. And you have to try to work out the problems both of you have had in your relationship.
–AS A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN COUNSELING COUPLES FOR MORE THAN THIRTY YEARS…. CAN MARRIAGES REALLY SURVIVE INFIDELITY?
MK: I see it every day. At least half the time marriages can be saved and can actually be better than ever. I’m very optimistic about this. You can see real healing in just a few months.
Okay: that was the sketch of what was planned for the interview. But in television, things are always changing. So here’s the video of the interview they actually conducted. (Lester Holt was the interviewer and was great as always.)
It’s a little different, isn’t it? Of course, for me, primed by the talking points, it was a LOT different. But that’s OK: if you’re a pro, you know to expect anything.
Of course, when a question comes at you from left field, you still have to be brilliant, interesting, and CONCISE, and you have to do so on the wing. That’s a whole ’nother level of difficult! I’m far from being a master of it, but I do try!
And if you know me, or if you are very perceptive, you might notice that I seem to be feeling just a little uncomfortable. Was it the new questions? Certainly not. I’m prepared to be surprised. No, I was a little uncomfortable because I’d recently put on some weight, and if you hate putting on some pounds that’s nothing compared to how you feel knowing you’re about to appear live on national television. Ugh! But the weight’s already coming back down.
And that’s another thing about appearing on TV: it’s supposed to be about information, and in fact it is the greatest medium in the history of the world for getting information out to a lot of people. But it is basically a visual medium. You realize that after you appear on TV. Here’s how the conversation always goes:
“Hey, I saw you on TV.”
“Cool. Wujja think?”
“You looked great [or whatever!].”
Oh well, that’s the dealio. No one ever wants to talk about what you actually said!
I love the Today people, and they always do a fantastic job. The whole segment on affairs yesterday (I don’t mean the part with me; I mean the whole thing) was wonderfully produced and made for very good television.
But for an interesting comparison here’s another interview, one I did for the CBS Morning Show. It’s very different.
What do you think?
And how did I look?
Oh, yeah—by the way: in case you were wondering both on Amazon and in emails I got a bigger response to my appearance on the Sunday Today Show yesterday than to almost anything I’ve ever done.
Also, since the topic is affairs, check out When Good People Have Affairs if you’re in this situation. You’ll find a ton of help there. And if you need one-on-one help, we have a ton of experience helping people heal here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.
