Can anything good be said about cheaters?
by Mira and Charles on March 29th, 2010Journalist asks follow-up questions
Some of the most interesting questions journalists have asked us have come in the form of follow ups. Here are two from a writer from one of the very most popular women’s magazines.
Q: I know that one of the reasons for cheating that you’d identified is the ‘let’s kill this relationship to see if it comes back to life,’ and I would like to cite this as an example of a time you might be able to salvage a relationship and that it can ultimately be a good catalyst for change. Could you talk a little bit why this is the case, for instance will they be forced to confront issues and either resolve them or move on? And can their intimacy and sex life improve in response?
Mira: Many, many couples deal with things by not dealing with anything. They just drift until…something happens. But inside they are feeling desperate and confused. This kind of couple sometimes needs a bomb to jump start them into doing something about their problems. So, usually unconsciously, one person in this near-dead relationship will have an affair that in one way is a win/win. It either puts an end to a dying relationship. Or it gives them the energy to deal with things and resolve their issues. I’ve seen it play it out either way. But let me underline: Having an affair to jump start your relationship is a risky and dangerous thing to do. It is usually much cheaper and much more effective to go to a good couples therapist if you think your relationship is comatose.
Q: Also, when you refer to not being trapped by old attitudes, what exactly do you mean—the assumption that the cheater is a fundamentally bad person?
Mira: Yes. About 15 to 20 percent of cheaters are selfish, narcissistic, psychopathic SOBs. But the rest are just like you and me: confused, desperate people made stupid by the enormous difficulties of their personal lives. And once you get out of the cheaters-are-evil mindset, you can get down to the good work of actually figuring out what you and your partner really want and what’s best for you to do.
