Falling in love: what’s the real deal?
by Mira and Charles on March 25th, 2010A soft-hearted journalist asks hard-headed questions about falling in love
A reporter for a popular overseas magazine just asked me these questions about the head-over-heels part of love.
Q: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?
Mira: Yes, love at first sight happens all the time. Not only that, but there is research to show that marriages that started out with love at first sight tend to be a little more long lasting than others. But—and this is a huge but—the mere fact that you have love at first sight does not by itself prove that your relationship is well founded. Only time to be together, do chores together, travel together, go through difficulties together, and see what you’re like when you start taking each other for granted…only with time like this can you begin to say that your love at first sight was based on something real.
Q: If you haven’t fallen in love within the first three months does this indicate that he isn’t The One?
Mira: What you absolutely must have is a period where everything is wonderful, where you’re head over heels about each other, where you’re both madly in love, where you’re both convinced that the other is very, very, special. You need this because it provides a tremendously important foundation for later on when daily life takes over. But there is no three-month limit. Many people were friends for a long time and then suddenly fell in love. Having said that, it is probably a waste of time to spend more than six months in an exclusive relationship with someone you’re not in love with. You just can’t afford to chew up the clock like that.
Q: What are the main signs? (ie. walking around in daggy clothes, quickening of pulse)
Mira: There are all kinds of signs, and they vary from one person to another. But there are some things they have in common. Most important, love feels good. Falling in love should be one of the best feelings you can have. If falling in love is painful for you, then there is something wrong here. Remember: feelings are not self validating. Almost all of the most nightmarish relationships started with two people in love with each other. Another thing falling in love has in common is obsession with the other person and how wonderful he/she is. You don’t just fall in love. You fall in Wow!
Q: What’s the difference between falling in love and knowing that somebody is The One?
Mira: Falling in love is a testable hypothesis: “Wow, this person seems so terrific, I just have to check it out.” Knowing that someone is The One happens when the hypothesis has passed the tests: “I have spent a lot of time with this person in non-hyper-romantic settings and I can see that who we are together will stand the test of time. Not only do I have terrific feelings with and about him, but I can actually see he is a smart, sane, responsible, caring person who fits well with me. If I had two little kids and then got really sick, he is the person I would want to be there for me, and I know he would be there for me.”
Q: Is there more than One person for everyone?
Mira: There are exactly eight One Persons for each of us. OK, just kidding. The fact is, it varies. Just the way there are animals that can eat almost anything and animals like the koala bear that can only eat a specific leaf from a specific tree, there are people who can get along with almost anyone, and people who have very special requirement. The important thing is not to sell your needs short. You need what you need in a partner, and you have to respect that.
Q: How do you know that your partner thinks you’re the one?
Mira: If you’re in any doubt, then either he just doesn’t think you’re the one for him, which is sad but it means you’ve got to move on, no matter how much you think he’s the one for you. Or he does think you’re the one and can’t show it, which is even worse. You can’t say, Well, I know he really loves me—and that’s what I’ll derive emotional sustenance from, that knowledge. That’s like saying, The local pizza place has a lot of pizzas, so I won’t starve. NO. You won’t starve only if they can keep delivering those pizzas to you. It’s not what the other person has or is, it’s what the other person delivers that counts.
If you’re not sure whether you should go forward with a developing relationship, the best book on the topic is Is He Mr. Right? It will answer ALL your questions, whether you’re a woman or a man.
If you’re already in a committed relationship, please check out Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. You’ll probably find the answers you’re looking for.
And if you need one-on-one help with this, it’s just the kind of thing we’re famous for doing here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.
