Whose fault is it when someone cheats?
by Mira and Charles on March 24th, 2010A journalist interviews Mira on who’s really to blame for an affair
A reporter for a widely read national magazine asked Mira one simple question: When someone has an affair, whose fault is it really?
Here how Mira answered:
Everyone is responsible.
From the point of view of what’s the best way for us to lead our lives, it’s best to think of ourselves as responsible whatever our position in the triangle. Whether or not this is the truest answer in every case, it is certainly the most helpful.
If you’re the cheater, it’s obvious. No one has to cheat. And no one cheats by accident.
If you’re the other woman or man, you either know or should know that you are having a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else. AT A MINIMUM this means that you are letting yourself in for something complicated and painful. You are also taking part in something that will probably cause pain and damage to one or more people’s lives.
And if you’re the spouse… Look, I don’t believe anyone deserves to be cheated on. Let me underline that: No one deserves to be cheated on. And I don’t think the cheater can let himself off the hook by simply saying, “My spouse drove me to it.” But (and this may sound controversial) from the point of view of understanding what happened and trying to heal the primary relationship, it is very useful to think of yourself as having some responsibility in your spouse cheating. The question to ask yourself would be, “What was my role in our marriage getting to the point where my partner needed or wanted to be with someone else?”
Even if the affair is not ultimately your fault, this is an enormously useful question to ask yourself. Now your spouse may very well have just as much responsibility in things going bad in your relationship. And that just means you have your work cut out for you. But if you can both take responsibility for how things went wrong in your marriage, then you can stop blaming and start healing.
A great way to begin to understand why the affair happened is to read the book that has had such an impact all over the world, When Good People Have Affairs.
To get to work healing your relationship, please check out the indispensable Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad. The great thing about this amazing book is that it will enable you to put your finger on the one thing that’s causing trouble, and it will show you just what to do about it.
If you’re not sure whether you and your partner should even try to work things out, please check out Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. You’ll probably find the answers you’re looking for.
And if you need one-on-one help with this, it’s just the kind of thing we’re famous for doing here at The Chestnut Hill Institute.
