Single women, married men
by Mira and Charles on March 16th, 2010Journalist interviews Mira on why single women get involved with married men
Q: Aside from love/sex/boredom, we understand why some single women choose to get involved a married man: There may be a sense that “all the good ones are gone,” he may be older, more mature, has money, he’s proven mate-material, it’s an ego boost, etc. But I’m trying to determine whether there are any “new” reasons women get involved with married guys. Is it because as women reach higher and higher levels of power, we’re more comfortable, if not outright expect, finite couplings? We’re more disillusioned with marriage than ever? With so much divorce in our culture, is there a sense that a married man isn’t off the market forever?
Mira Kirshenbaum: Two of the hottest trends in reasons why women get involved with married men are these:
1. A lot of women feel (and quite aggressively so) that they can rescue a man from a bad marriage. These women decide for themselves that the guy is married to a woman who deprives him and who squashes his potential. Through an affair with them they believe these men will be liberated.
2. Some women today no longer want either commitment or very deep involvement. An affair with a married man is a perfect way to have a narrowly based, self-limiting relationship.
Q: Have you uncovered any research exploring the number one reason why married men have affairs? (Is it just sex?)
Mira Kirshenbaum: Sex is definitely NOT the number one reason why married men have affairs. Probably the number one reason is a mid-marriage-crisis. This affair happens most typically some time after the 7th year of marriage. At this point the guy realizes that his marriage is what it is and it’s not going to get better. He’s thrown into a crisis, wondering whether to stay or leave. An affair for many men is the best way they know how to sort all this out.
Q: Why does society tend to vilify the “other woman” more than the straying husband?
Mira Kirshenbaum: Society still has the mistaken view that men are untrustworthy horndogs and that women are intrinsically faithful. So when a man cheats he’s living up to his stereotype. When a woman cheats she’s betraying the stereotype. It’s time people realized that neither stereotype is true. The number one risk factor for affairs is opportunity, and everyone is opportunistic.
Q: Do you think this is changing, and why?
Mira Kirshenbaum: I do think this is changing now. There is much more contempt for men who cheat and a little more understanding for women who cheat. I think this is because we are beginning to realize that neither stereotype is true.
Q: What does this all say about marriage? SHOULD we be more accepting of affairs, like Europeans?
Mira Kirshenbaum: What all this says about marriage is that we have overburdened it with our expectations. It is unique in human history to even think that someone else can be a companion, lover, best friend, and business partner over the course of 40 or 50 years. Now I don’t think we should encourage affairs as a safety valve. But I definitely think that we need to be much more understanding of people who cheat and more willing to help them sort their lives out. And BTW: It’s a mistake to think that Europeans are accepting of affairs. They are just as hurt and angry when they’ve been cheated on as we are. Nor are affairs more common in
