When falling in love is really stupid
by Mira and Charles on February 24th, 2010Women who have relationships with inmates
It’s one of those deep eternal mysteries of life, like how can a Olympic figure skater spin around so fast without getting dizzy. In this case the mystery is, Why do women get romantically involved with prison inmates? Of all the inappropriate relationships—and there are loads of ways to get involved with someone who is WAY wrong with you—falling in love with a prisoner would seem like one of the stupidest. And yet it happens all the time. But why?
All this came to our mind when a journalist approached us with some questions about women falling in love with inmates. Here are our answers:
1. Many of the women in relationships with incarcerated men report being very committed to and satisfied with their partners. Would you talk about what a woman might find satisfying about a relationship with a man in jail?
CHI: Well, in a way (a sick way), the best possible man to have a relationship with is an inmate. He doesn’t hog the covers, complain about your cooking, mess up your stuff, hit you, pass gas, fall asleep drunk in front of the TV while keeping a death grip on the remote. And if he should misbehave on the phone or by mail, you can easily cut him off, and he knows it and he knows you know and you know he knows you know. No woman will ever be in a relationship where she has more power.
That’s a big part of the reason why women fall for inmates: they get a big thrill while having control and safety, liking falling in love with the tiger in the zoo and living with the fantasy that if the tiger ever got free, oh, you could be so happy. It’s a form of the always appealing beauty-and-the-beast scenario, where girls get off on thoughts of taming the beast. It’s why girls love horses and big dogs.
Plus, with inmates there is a huge rescue fantasy too. Surely, they think, they can help this poor misunderstood man, and give him what no one else was able too. So this is a way for women who usually have never felt very special to now feel very special indeed.
2. What are some of the characteristics that a long-term relationship needs to survive? Is this achievable when one partner is in prison?
CHI: On one level, a romantic pen-pal relationship with an inmate can be very successful. The woman is empowered, the man is grateful, and they can live out a nice Romeo-and-Juliet fantasy. The terrible thing about this is that it’s a total distortion of reality and usually keeps a woman from having a real relationship with a real man, a man who can meet real needs, offer real affection, be a real life partner, and be truly mutual. The thing is, though, that most of these women have given up on such real relationships.
3. How do you think these relationships are similar to all relationships? Are there some universal themes?
CHI: Relationships with inmates are Peter Pan relationships. They never grow up (unless the guy gets out of the slammer, in which case they grow up with a bang, and not a good bang either). They stay at a middle-school yearning level, about two misunderstood kids who are the only one ones who get each other. Other than that there is no similarity because the power dynamics and the scope for relating are completely distorted. No relationship is real if one huge aspect is unreal, because that aspect distorts all the rest. (This is why if Richard Gere had married Julia Roberts at the end of Pretty Woman—another delicious fantasy of impossible, inappropriate, doomed love—things wouldn’t have worked out at all. Really. I mean it. They just wouldn’t have worked out. Sorry.)
4. What does this say about how women approach love?
CHI: This doesn’t say anything about how women approach love, because most women wouldn’t touch an inmate with a ten-foot pole. It just speaks to how hurt, damaged, despairing, out-of-options women might seek love. But anyone who’s scared and hungry with do things that seem bizarre to someone who’s not in their shoes.
One exception: for women from what’s sometimes called a disorganized lower-class background, men who are inmates are a commonplace. It’s a normal thing for a man to be. Women like that, especially the ones who are sure they have little to offer, might think of an inmate as a step up. And he may be just that, once you understand what a low step that woman is coming from. Sad.
5. How do people get involved with inmates?
CHI: Sometimes they seek them out. Check this out from a report on ABC’s Good Morning America:
Men serving time for some of the most notoriously heinous crimes apparently have enough sex appeal to turn death row into a sort of lovers’ lane.
Kenneth Bianchi and cousin Angelo Buono, dubbed the Hillside Stranglers for the murders of 10 girls in the
Serial killers John Wayne Gacy and Ted Bundy both had committed relationships with women before they were put to death. “Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez, awaiting execution for a string of brutal murders in
Erik and Lyle Menendez, who are serving life sentences for the 1989 murders of their parents, both married after being incarcerated. Erik Menendez recently celebrated his sixth wedding anniversary with a woman he began corresponding after his conviction. Lyle Menendez married pen pal Anna Eriksson in 1997. The couple split up after about a year, but he then married another correspondent in a prison ceremony in 2003.
Scott Peterson, awaiting death in the execution chamber of San Quentin State Prison for the murders of his wife and unborn son, is reportedly flooded with letters from admirers. Even
As Einstein said, only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.
But many people are drawn in ways that are easier for us to understand. It often starts with prison pen-pal programs. For the most charitable of reasons, people want to write to prisoners to help with their morale and rehabilitation. But all too often the intimacy of a correspondence relationship uncovers hidden yearnings and vulnerabilities on both sides that feel like falling in love. This is often accelerated by the fact that many inmates are literally psychopaths who are quite adept at manipulating people in ways outsiders can’t imagine.
Now there is nothing wrong with offering support to an inmate. But please: don’t fall in love with him or her.
Follow the five-year rule: if anyone has a serious problem—substance abuse, criminal behavior, mental illness—don’t get involved until and unless they have been on the right track for at least five years. And if you think you’re an exception, why not buy a tiger and have it come live in your house and see how that works out for ya.
For more—OK, a lot more—on the mysteries of love in a woman’s life, check out Women & Love, by far the best book on the subject.
Meanwhile we beg you, use your head to save your heart. You’re too precious to throw your love away. You deserve love that good for you, and if it’s not good for you, then it’s not love.
