Comments on: Lessons from the Tiger Woods’ apology http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206 w h e n y o u ' r e r e a d y t o m a k e r e a l c h a n g e s Fri, 10 Sep 2010 23:43:29 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: Charles http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3072 Charles Sat, 20 Feb 2010 16:46:06 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3072 Yes, that's just it. It's all in the follow through. For something to heal, it needs a will to live. Sorrow is a start, but hanging in there through the tough and long healing period is key. And great point about fighting to win your spouse back. Here's this horrible rejection, making the spouse feel totally unloved. That's a huge imbalance to right, and it takes a lot of effort. Now we see people do that successfully all the time. But you need the will, and you need help getting over the rough patches. Also big yes to this:no one "gets over it" without a lot of help from the spouse who cheated. Feeling hurt and betrayed is not like the flu where people get better by themselves. It's like your house being hit by a meteor: it requires a lot of rebuilding. We're so sorry your relationship didn't make it. It may be that it was on shaky ground before the affair and you just didn't know it. The good news is that you yourself can heal and go on to be happy, healthy, and strong. And hopefully you will find love that's worthy of what you bring to it. Warmly, Charles and Mira Yes, that’s just it. It’s all in the follow through. For something to heal, it needs a will to live. Sorrow is a start, but hanging in there through the tough and long healing period is key.
And great point about fighting to win your spouse back. Here’s this horrible rejection, making the spouse feel totally unloved. That’s a huge imbalance to right, and it takes a lot of effort.
Now we see people do that successfully all the time. But you need the will, and you need help getting over the rough patches.
Also big yes to this:no one “gets over it” without a lot of help from the spouse who cheated. Feeling hurt and betrayed is not like the flu where people get better by themselves. It’s like your house being hit by a meteor: it requires a lot of rebuilding.
We’re so sorry your relationship didn’t make it. It may be that it was on shaky ground before the affair and you just didn’t know it. The good news is that you yourself can heal and go on to be happy, healthy, and strong. And hopefully you will find love that’s worthy of what you bring to it.
Warmly, Charles and Mira

]]> By: mgrdm66 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3070 mgrdm66 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 02:30:59 +0000 http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/206#comment-3070 I think the key words are "actions" . Words are great and very helpful, but once trust is broken, it's the actions that are looked at and felt more closely than the words. My husband had an affair approximately three years ago. I only uncovered the whole truth two years ago. It has been very hard. he has been contrite, but I have needed him to do more than to be sorry. I've needed him to pursevere, to keep fighting to win me back. I have needed him to put my feelings first, even at the cost of his own discomfort. Sadly, we will likely not recover from his affair. I know he would like the situation fixed and I would love it if we could heal, but it seems neither of us has what it takes to do what each of us would need to do. My husband has said he has given and done all he can and can not or has nothing else to give. I think he could have done alot more. I would want him to want to be a better person. i would want him to read your book "When Good People Have Affairs" and then discuss it's contents and his feelings in relation to them with me. He says he will , but doesn't. Herein lies the problem, the lack of consistent follow through. It hurts that he was selfish and put himself first, only thought of himself during the affair and not his family. Once he came to and decided he wanted his family, he still comes first. He can deal because things get uncomfortable. I don't just "get over it". He sits back and hopes that I will get over it instead of initiating healing and following through with suggestions in counseling. It's so sad. We did have a beautiful family... we still do... it just won't be the same. I think the key words are “actions” . Words are great and very helpful, but once trust is broken, it’s the actions that are looked at and felt more closely than the words. My husband had an affair approximately three years ago. I only uncovered the whole truth two years ago. It has been very hard. he has been contrite, but I have needed him to do more than to be sorry. I’ve needed him to pursevere, to keep fighting to win me back. I have needed him to put my feelings first, even at the cost of his own discomfort.

Sadly, we will likely not recover from his affair. I know he would like the situation fixed and I would love it if we could heal, but it seems neither of us has what it takes to do what each of us would need to do.

My husband has said he has given and done all he can and can not or has nothing else to give. I think he could have done alot more. I would want him to want to be a better person. i would want him to read your book “When Good People Have Affairs” and then discuss it’s contents and his feelings in relation to them with me. He says he will , but doesn’t. Herein lies the problem, the lack of consistent follow through. It hurts that he was selfish and put himself first, only thought of himself during the affair and not his family. Once he came to and decided he wanted his family, he still comes first. He can deal because things get uncomfortable. I don’t just “get over it”. He sits back and hopes that I will get over it instead of initiating healing and following through with suggestions in counseling.

It’s so sad. We did have a beautiful family… we still do… it just won’t be the same.

]]>