Lessons from the Tiger Woods’ apology
by Mira and Charles on February 19th, 2010When Good People Have Affairs: coping with the aftermath
Today, after the Tiger Woods apology, it’s time to take another look at this sad story. There have been no end of silly things said about Tiger Woods’ affairs and it’s impact on his marriage to Elin, to say nothing of its impact on his career. But maybe the important question isn’t what we have to say about this catastrophe, but what this catastrophe has to say to us. Can we learn anything from this billionaire sports super-star’s experience?
Yeah. We can learn a lot. Enough to make all the difference. And we said most of it right after the Tiger Woods affair came out. Please read this if your life has been touched be an affair. Even better, read the book that’s full of understanding about what these affairs really mean and how to sort out what to do next: When Good People Have Affairs.
Many people have questioned our title. “Good people have affairs”????
Well, cut to the Tiger Woods apology this morning. Tiger Woods was unsparing of himself. He referred to himself as irresponsible, selfish, foolish, entitled, someone who did wrong, who acted as though the normal rules did not apply, who didn’t think about who he was hurting.
And he showed himself as someone not only apologetic but contrite. In other words, he showed himself as someone who, having awakened from his destructive nightmare, is willing to work to earn forgiveness and to heal his life and his marriage.
Now maybe he is lying. Maybe he is kidding himself. But you have to have hope. You have to always hold open the possibility of redemption. For now, in fact since Christmas, Tiger Woods has been in intensive therapy to help him understand himself and heal his life. So far so good.
And so far so good that he understands, as Elin says, that the healing he seeks is not a matter of words. It is a matter of action. Actions designed to earn trust. Actions that show he understands and cares. Actions that show he is a good person who once got very, very lost and almost destroyed everything.
We don’t know if Tiger’s trolley will jump the tracks again. We don’t know if Elin will be able to forgive and let Tiger back into her heart and her life. But we can hope and pray goodness and healing triumph in all our lives.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
I think the key words are “actions” . Words are great and very helpful, but once trust is broken, it’s the actions that are looked at and felt more closely than the words. My husband had an affair approximately three years ago. I only uncovered the whole truth two years ago. It has been very hard. he has been contrite, but I have needed him to do more than to be sorry. I’ve needed him to pursevere, to keep fighting to win me back. I have needed him to put my feelings first, even at the cost of his own discomfort.
Sadly, we will likely not recover from his affair. I know he would like the situation fixed and I would love it if we could heal, but it seems neither of us has what it takes to do what each of us would need to do.
My husband has said he has given and done all he can and can not or has nothing else to give. I think he could have done alot more. I would want him to want to be a better person. i would want him to read your book “When Good People Have Affairs” and then discuss it’s contents and his feelings in relation to them with me. He says he will , but doesn’t. Herein lies the problem, the lack of consistent follow through. It hurts that he was selfish and put himself first, only thought of himself during the affair and not his family. Once he came to and decided he wanted his family, he still comes first. He can deal because things get uncomfortable. I don’t just “get over it”. He sits back and hopes that I will get over it instead of initiating healing and following through with suggestions in counseling.
It’s so sad. We did have a beautiful family… we still do… it just won’t be the same.
February 20th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Yes, that’s just it. It’s all in the follow through. For something to heal, it needs a will to live. Sorrow is a start, but hanging in there through the tough and long healing period is key.
And great point about fighting to win your spouse back. Here’s this horrible rejection, making the spouse feel totally unloved. That’s a huge imbalance to right, and it takes a lot of effort.
Now we see people do that successfully all the time. But you need the will, and you need help getting over the rough patches.
Also big yes to this:no one “gets over it” without a lot of help from the spouse who cheated. Feeling hurt and betrayed is not like the flu where people get better by themselves. It’s like your house being hit by a meteor: it requires a lot of rebuilding.
We’re so sorry your relationship didn’t make it. It may be that it was on shaky ground before the affair and you just didn’t know it. The good news is that you yourself can heal and go on to be happy, healthy, and strong. And hopefully you will find love that’s worthy of what you bring to it.
Warmly, Charles and Mira